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Depression, Health/mental-health-issues(goingcrazy)storytime

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some of these have been helpful; some of these have been annoying but none of these have quite hit it on the head for me so i thought i'd give my piece and see if anyone is feelin it... see if anyone has gone this way with adderall abuse.
history:
i started out with taking 1 10mg pill for tests and paper writing.
In a month i kicked it up to 3 10mg a day w/ the same amount of work only now i would use it for reading, drawing, working out and playing video games...
during those early days the drug would have me lovin life... it would have me feeling like i was living it up to it upmost potential. the progress i was making w/ classes and all the other various chores that would usually take me a week to-do(ie. laundry, email responding, grocery shopping, apartment decorating, dish-doing, meal preping, early start on term papers...etc) i was getting this done daily. i felt good, i felt responsible, i felt like i was finally growing up...
2 years later i had been abroad to persue a pro soccer ambition in france. i had my dr perscribe three months worth of 30mg 3 x day. the plan was just to take one 30mg a day so i could make the bottle last...
2 years later i came back home a better player but no contract and this was like a hidden trap. i didn't see this coming as something that would mess me up so bad.
i've lived at home, didn't go back to my other university and it's been the most frustrating, difficult, confusing, pathetic waste of days of all the days i've lived so far. i turned 23 and had no idea where i was going, what i was doing and why i had such weak will power to do the most miniscule of tasks...
Call it soul searching but since october when i stopped going to my cc classes for whatever excuse i could feel the least guilty about, i started using my school notebooks as journals...
i would get to the campus parking lot, but not get out. I'd split a 30mg, pop it and bust out the notebook. sometimes i'd write about how stupid i am for not going to class but then other times i would feel really good from the adderall and write out all these plans, all this ideas, all this things i want myself to be better at... i would sit for hours upon hours getting down every little detail i could think of to what the "IDEAL PERSON" would be. their look, their speech, their manorisms... i would imagine different situations and write down the coolest thing someone could do at that moment. It was like an obsession... --> I figured that as long as i could think up a person who: plays in a band, draws cartoons for the sunday paper, sells and is rich from real estate, plays pro soccer, has 3 girl friends, lives to learn -soaks up every lil bit of knowledge he comes accross- ... the kind of person who always does the right thing and lives for the moment. If i could think up this person to every kwirk in his character and personality that i could just "become" this person...
all this time i would spend these hours days and nights, i would be popping pill after pill with no real count as to how many i was taking... all i knew is that i was making progress in capturing the "IDEAL" and i couldn't let it rest. I have two packs of cigs, one menthol, month not. i'd be sitting in a safeway parking lot so i could go and get another frappucino if ran out, or a rockstar... it was constant ADDreniline. I noticed myself choosing to go to some well lit parking lot on friday nights to furthur my discoveries than hit up the bars with my friends...
often times when i would meet up with them i had spent the hours before alone, writing in my car and when i saw them i became so awkward... so self concious, no confidence, quiet, anxious....
i would be trying to hold a conversation with someone, a good friend who i've known for a long time -- who is really funny... and yet i can't focus on anything... my whole mind goes cloudy and i get really hot and then i'm not sure if he has even asked me a question or delivered the punchline to his joke... i get so embarrassed... i just want to cry... but it's OUT OF NOWHERE... night's like that i hate... i drink to settle my nerves but that only makes it worse because when i take a lot of adderall i can't feel the alcohol and so i end up getting my body really drunk but me not feeling much of anything... just a depressing numbness.
my friends don't know the extent of what i've taken that day so they just think i'm tired... but now it's been so long that i've had these awkward-weirdo-not-myself-at-all behaviors that i've distanced myself from all of them... it seems like i only see my friends when i go out to get drunk and it's just crap.
this list and story goes on...I'm sure there are several critical pieces missing here too but it's like everyday is the same... I am so tired. I am so drained. I ask myself, god, whoever is listening: "How long with this last?"
each day i think i;ve found the answer, that one final ingrediant to make this strategy work, to do what i want, to not be lazy, to be able to live by the balance... to stop just before it becomes too much or to push myself when i need to go only a lil bit furthur; But day after day i am let down... there is always something, some minor thing that my concious says no to but that i do anyway and i sink back down into dispair...
Adderall blinds me. It has me thinking that i am making all this progress when really it's been a kid in a smokey car all day with his notebook, shutting himself out from everyone, breaking ties, failing school, killing my health...
"how could something that feels so good be so bad?"
and still after all these months(oct-may) of the worst depression and now noticing development of OCD... i feel like i am going CRAZY!!! I write and i write and i can't stop writing...
but even with all that, i'll go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow believing that they're is some way, some dose to take that can make all this work. reap all the benefits of the drug and minimize all the side effects... it's all a matter of proceedure. the right proceedure and discipline to stick to it.

I'm sorry if this is way too long or if this scares you away... it is not ment to and i would really appriciate any response from someone who is experiencing similar feelings and how you're coping with it.
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replied May 14th, 2007
Experienced User
In all honesty, I think you have a drug abuse problem. Unless you get that handled first, I do not think you will ever become the person you dream of becoming. This may have sounded harsh, but believe me - if no one tells you this, then you won't even know it. You asked if anyone else feels this way - and I will tell you yes, we all do at some point in our lives. But it is what we chose to do about it that makes all the difference in the world...

It is important to practice your ability to stop when it becomes too much - have you been doing that lately? Also, if you think you only see your friends when you go drinking, then you need to make some changes to that pattern. It is nothing more than just a pattern that just needs to be changed toward a newer, better... more energizing pattern. Your friends only bring you down, so don't go drinking with them as often. Try playing sports with your friends instead.

I will leave you with two quotes:

"If you see a difference between where you are and where you want to be... consciously change your thoughts, words, and actions to match your grandest vision."

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."
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