some of these have been helpful; some of
these have been annoying but none of these
have quite hit it on the head for me so i
thought i'd give my piece and see if
anyone is feelin it... see if anyone has
gone this way with adderall abuse.
history:
i started out with taking 1 10mg pill for
tests and paper writing.
In a month i kicked it up to 3 10mg a day
w/ the same amount of work only now i
would use it for reading, drawing, working
out and playing video games...
during those early days the drug would
have me lovin life... it would have me
feeling like i was living it up to it
upmost potential. the progress i was
making w/ classes and all the other
various chores that would usually take me
a week to-do(ie. laundry, email
responding, grocery shopping, apartment
decorating, dish-doing, meal preping,
early start on term papers...etc) i was
getting this done daily. i felt good, i
felt responsible, i felt like i was
finally growing up...
2 years later i had been abroad to persue
a pro soccer ambition in france. i had my
dr perscribe three months worth of 30mg 3
x day. the plan was just to take one 30mg
a day so i could make the bottle last...
2 years later i came back home a better
player but no contract and this was like a
hidden trap. i didn't see this coming as
something that would mess me up so bad.
i've lived at home, didn't go back to my
other university and it's been the most
frustrating, difficult, confusing,
pathetic waste of days of all the days
i've lived so far. i turned 23 and had no
idea where i was going, what i was doing
and why i had such weak will power to do
the most miniscule of tasks...
Call it soul searching but since october
when i stopped going to my cc classes for
whatever excuse i could feel the least
guilty about, i started using my school
notebooks as journals...
i would get to the campus parking lot, but
not get out. I'd split a 30mg, pop it and
bust out the notebook. sometimes i'd write
about how stupid i am for not going to
class but then other times i would feel
really good from the adderall and write
out all these plans, all this ideas, all
this things i want myself to be better
at... i would sit for hours upon hours
getting down every little detail i could
think of to what the "IDEAL PERSON" would
be. their look, their speech, their
manorisms... i would imagine different
situations and write down the coolest
thing someone could do at that moment. It
was like an obsession... --> I figured
that as long as i could think up a person
who: plays in a band, draws cartoons for
the sunday paper, sells and is rich from
real estate, plays pro soccer, has 3 girl
friends, lives to learn -soaks up every
lil bit of knowledge he comes accross- ...
the kind of person who always does the
right thing and lives for the moment. If i
could think up this person to every kwirk
in his character and personality that i
could just "become" this person...
all this time i would spend these hours
days and nights, i would be popping pill
after pill with no real count as to how
many i was taking... all i knew is that i
was making progress in capturing the
"IDEAL" and i couldn't let it rest. I have
two packs of cigs, one menthol, month not.
i'd be sitting in a safeway parking lot so
i could go and get another frappucino if
ran out, or a rockstar... it was constant
ADDreniline. I noticed myself choosing to
go to some well lit parking lot on friday
nights to furthur my discoveries than hit
up the bars with my friends...
often times when i would meet up with them
i had spent the hours before alone,
writing in my car and when i saw them i
became so awkward... so self concious, no
confidence, quiet, anxious....
i would be trying to hold a conversation
with someone, a good friend who i've known
for a long time -- who is really funny...
and yet i can't focus on anything... my
whole mind goes cloudy and i get really
hot and then i'm not sure if he has even
asked me a question or delivered the
punchline to his joke... i get so
embarrassed... i just want to cry... but
it's OUT OF NOWHERE... night's like that i
hate... i drink to settle my nerves but
that only makes it worse because when i
take a lot of adderall i can't feel the
alcohol and so i end up getting my body
really drunk but me not feeling much of
anything... just a depressing numbness.
my friends don't know the extent of what
i've taken that day so they just think i'm
tired... but now it's been so long that
i've had these
awkward-weirdo-not-myself-at-all behaviors
that i've distanced myself from all of
them... it seems like i only see my
friends when i go out to get drunk and
it's just crap.
this list and story goes on...I'm sure
there are several critical pieces missing
here too but it's like everyday is the
same... I am so tired. I am so drained. I
ask myself, god, whoever is listening:
"How long with this last?"
each day i think i;ve found the answer,
that one final ingrediant to make this
strategy work, to do what i want, to not
be lazy, to be able to live by the
balance... to stop just before it becomes
too much or to push myself when i need to
go only a lil bit furthur; But day after
day i am let down... there is always
something, some minor thing that my
concious says no to but that i do anyway
and i sink back down into dispair...
Adderall blinds me. It has me thinking
that i am making all this progress when
really it's been a kid in a smokey car all
day with his notebook, shutting himself
out from everyone, breaking ties, failing
school, killing my health...
"how could something that feels so good be
so bad?"
and still after all these months(oct-may)
of the worst depression and now noticing
development of OCD... i feel like i am
going CRAZY!!! I write and i write and i
can't stop writing...
but even with all that, i'll go to sleep
tonight and wake up tomorrow believing
that they're is some way, some dose to
take that can make all this work. reap all
the benefits of the drug and minimize all
the side effects... it's all a matter of
proceedure. the right proceedure and
discipline to stick to it.
I'm sorry if this is way too long or if
this scares you away... it is not ment to
and i would really appriciate any response
from someone who is experiencing similar
feelings and how you're coping with it.
|
futurelovers
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 101
Posted: 05-14-07 12:38pm
In all honesty, I think you have a drug
abuse problem. Unless you get that handled
first, I do not think you will ever become
the person you dream of becoming. This may
have sounded harsh, but believe me - if no
one tells you this, then you won't even
know it. You asked if anyone else feels
this way - and I will tell you yes, we all
do at some point in our lives. But it is
what we chose to do about it that makes
all the difference in the world...
It is important to practice your ability
to stop when it becomes too much - have
you been doing that lately? Also, if you
think you only see your friends when you
go drinking, then you need to make some
changes to that pattern. It is nothing
more than just a pattern that just needs
to be changed toward a newer, better...
more energizing pattern. Your friends only
bring you down, so don't go drinking with
them as often. Try playing sports with
your friends instead.
I will leave you with two quotes:
"If you see a difference between where you
are and where you want to be...
consciously change your thoughts, words,
and actions to match your grandest
vision."
"People become really quite remarkable
when they start thinking that they can do
things. When they believe in themselves
they have the first secret of success."
