i really have a bad mental condition. it feels like no one understands, i tried explaining to my mom, to my bf and it just seems like they dont get it.

my life nd mind is like this

- the world feels like one big cycle
- i feel brain dead and empty
- most of the time i literally dont think, or cant find my self able to.
- however im mostly daydreaming
- i am day dreaming so much about how i look to people and try to be cool
- i realize i hav the ability to stare at something for a long time without getting bored or thinkin
- short term memory
- always lazy, mentally, i always feel like i need to rest
- feel unconsciuos
- feel like im in an endless dream


im worried that it could be from drugs and alcohol. i drank quite a few times, i did coke 4 times. i smoked weed about 7 - 10 times. once haze, so yeah. once i was so drunk i punched a car mirror and the next morning i went to the hospital. i feel horrible and stupid, after tht i vowed never to drink and smoke again. yesterday i was at a small party, being the only girl there i wanted to be so kool n sniff coke. so i did that, i drank like everyones beer, i was acting stupid. my bf came n i was acting so stupid around him, so wen i ewnt downstairs idk wat happened i think my bf gave meh a bruise, or sum caca,.. on my head. ithurts now, im a mess, im just here in my pajamas, n i hate it.

as of right now i seriously will quit. i never became an addict to anything, but now my worry n concern is my brain. i want it to heal and i dont want to be so messed up. i had dreams for myself, wanting to meditate, get into physicness, i wanted to grow up n help animals. things like that, but i know i have a mental disorder but i feel scared and helpless. i dont think ill ever be able to do the things i love because of that. because my mind is effed up for life.

wen i explain i feel brain dead and my life is just passing by lie a movie, my mm would just get all flipped out, n shyt sh wont be supportive to help me, my bf would just say "i did more drugs then yu so im fine, or its all in my head, or sumthing. but yeah i mean this really sucks. i go to a therapuetic school so of course it is suggested i talk to them n suggest hel. first off i dont want to trust a psychiatrist cuz all hed want to do is prescribe me meds, if i tekk a therapist i took drugs again theyll probly want to send me sumwhere "to get help", n sum caca. along with that i wont kno how long theyd keep me n id dissapoint my mom. i hate bs n i hate myself, i am really stupid.

now i dont kno if my brain is going to get better but i feel like i want to die, not out of depression but to end my stupid movie life ( i feel like im in an endless movie) so if its not the drugs wat culd b the cause????

if anyone could list down sum disorders u think i have id appreciate that. it would help me understand myself better,..