I had an abortion because I became pregnant by someone who is not my husband. My husband said sure I could keep the baby but that he would never treat it as his own and that everyone including the child and our existing children would know that he/she was not his. What was I supposed to do, I could never carry a child to term and then give it away and at the same time I couldn't keep it and have it be tortured every day of it's life feeling like it wasn't wanted. I wanted it, I would have kept it had I had a choice, it was my baby even if it wasn't his, and I hate myself for not standing up for myself and saying so what?, this is my baby and I'm going to love it no matter how it came to be. It's the one thing in my life I would do differently. I can't believe I let a man control something as important as that. We don't talk about it ever, I think about it so much. I think how old it would be, what it would look like, how much I would love it. I grieve for it everyday, it makes me crazy. I think that abortion should be legal, I just could never do it again. How you feel when you're in that clinic, and I think about the second before the doctor began the procedure how I wanted to tell her to stop. I wish I had. When I was in the bathroom stall afterwards was the worst moment of my life. I guess now I feel like once you have a baby you never regret having them, and now I've even thought that death wouldn't be so bad because I want to believe that we'll be together again. I hate feeling like this and I feel like it will never get any better. My baby would be almost exactly 8 months old today, and I think the pain gets worse everyday. I won't be much help at giving others hope that you forget. I wish so much that I could go back to that day and have something or someone stop me. I guess I hope someone out there is listening and can understand how much suffering I know is ahead of me, I'm only 29 so its going to be so so long to wait for the pain to go away.