Ending a Relationship Forum - I Don't Know What My Question Is....

Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum > I Don't Know What My Question Is....

Q: I Don't Know What My Question Is....

asked by: trainwreck on May 9th, 2007

New User

My husband of 16 years announced Monday that he wasn't happy, and was considering a divorce.

I'm not the best wife, I have serious issues, and we haven't had sex in two years. (my fault) About a year ago, he started to withdraw from me. I gave him his space, because he was always supportive, and gave me mine. I always was there for him, trying to talk to him, and started to get those sexual feelings again, about six months ago. At that point, he'd withdrawn totally, and I went to bed alone 5 out of 7 nights, and he was drinking the other two. He left me 6 years ago, and came back, we went for counselling, but he didn't like it because he felt the counsellor was placing the blame on him. (not entirely his issues....more his reactions to mine!) He's refused to go to counselling since, although I asked him on numerous occasions. He needs physical contact for affection, where I need to show it in other ways, making sure his favourite things are always there....getting up early on Sundays and making a big family breakfast....

SO, he decides he'll 'let me know' if he wants to try counselling, or to just forget it. I can't let him make that decision for me, so tell him not to bother, we're done. (He also let me know he's had an affair)

I said some VERY hurtful things to him out of anger, I was very cruel. I did apologize, and I know I said them because I'm so hurt. I know it was wrong. (told him I was going for full custody)

We have 2 kids (12 & 14) they have no clue about this yet. He seems to think we can just carry on life here, untl "things get settled". I can't deal with being in the same room with him, but I won't leave the house, because I don't know my rights...and I don't even want us to be over at all, but he told me after the things I said to him he would never even consider staying.

I have NO idea what to do...how to deal with what's going on....if someone can figure out my question in all of this, I'd love to hear it

Replies(6)

Spirit

replied on May 10th, 2007

Experienced User

Trainwreck describes your marriage perfectly.................unfortunately it does sound beyond repair. Two years without sex?verbal abuse?even with apology............too much has been said and too little done. Although it's scary cause it's unfamilliar...........divorce is probably best for both of you. And your children probably at the very least suspect...............may come of a bit of a shock as they have lived so long in this loveless mess, they probably don't know any different. If I were you, I'd start preparing for the emotional and financial aftermath. You do have 1/2 rights to the home and believe the old saying "possession is 9 10s of the law" applies...........so don't move out. Just try to be civilized about it and above all fair to the children..................despite how he feels about you/you feel about him...................your their mother and he's their father

trainwreck

replied on May 10th, 2007

New User

Well, the things I said were said on Tuesday evening, not over the course of the relationship. I guess I'm scared to accept this, because he's always said we could work through anything. How am I supposed to continue to live in this house with him until "things are settled". I can't be his friend.

Spirit

replied on May 11th, 2007

Experienced User

"I can't deal with being in the same room with him" and "I can't be his friend"...........these statements don't give off vibes of a person who wants to save their marriage

Be honest with yourself...............why are you scared? it's different............the financial burden will be heavier?...........what will people think(friends/relatives/neighbours)?...... ........you'll feel like a failure?

Frustration and unhappiness lead to nasty words and I'm sure more "shots" were taken before Tuesday evening..............you just finally blew up on Tuesday evening

Whatever happens...........you'll be just fine and so will he.................you don't have to be "friends"..................but you should be respectful to the father of your children.........................all the best.................seriously! Smile

princessnae

replied on May 14th, 2007

Experienced User

Don't put the blame all on yourself. and for the comments... we all say things out of anger but it sounds to me like he is trying to blame it all on you when it take two to tango you know... He had an affair right.. he may just want you to break it off to ease his guilt about everything...

And I completely understand what you mean about being scared there are alot of things that will need to be worked out... but its not the end of the world. And this could be the best thing for you and your family..

Good luck

DPantelones

replied on May 17th, 2007

Experienced User

Boy that's a lot to swallow TW....I feel for you. Hopefully you can both open the lines of communication and get things out in the open....work on resolving what you can on your own, then keep asking him if he'll come into counseling with you....if I were you, I'd start counseling NOW! This is a lot for a person to deal with and I'm sorry you're so unhappy. Best of luck!

DPantelones

replied on May 21st, 2007

Experienced User

Trainwreck, any progress on this? I'm thinking of you, hoping for the best.....

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