I Don't Know What My Question Is.... Posted: 05-09-07 21:41pm
My husband of 16 years announced Monday
that he wasn't happy, and was considering
a divorce.
I'm not the best wife, I have serious
issues, and we haven't had sex in two
years. (my fault) About a year ago, he
started to withdraw from me. I gave him
his space, because he was always
supportive, and gave me mine. I always
was there for him, trying to talk to him,
and started to get those sexual feelings
again, about six months ago. At that
point, he'd withdrawn totally, and I went
to bed alone 5 out of 7 nights, and he was
drinking the other two. He left me 6
years ago, and came back, we went for
counselling, but he didn't like it because
he felt the counsellor was placing the
blame on him. (not entirely his
issues....more his reactions to mine!)
He's refused to go to counselling since,
although I asked him on numerous
occasions. He needs physical contact for
affection, where I need to show it in
other ways, making sure his favourite
things are always there....getting up
early on Sundays and making a big family
breakfast....
SO, he decides he'll 'let me know' if he
wants to try counselling, or to just
forget it. I can't let him make that
decision for me, so tell him not to
bother, we're done. (He also let me know
he's had an affair)
I said some VERY hurtful things to him out
of anger, I was very cruel. I did
apologize, and I know I said them because
I'm so hurt. I know it was wrong. (told
him I was going for full custody)
We have 2 kids (12 & 14) they have no
clue about this yet. He seems to think we
can just carry on life here, untl "things
get settled". I can't deal with being in
the same room with him, but I won't leave
the house, because I don't know my
rights...and I don't even want us to be
over at all, but he told me after the
things I said to him he would never even
consider staying.
I have NO idea what to do...how to deal
with what's going on....if someone can
figure out my question in all of this,
I'd love to hear it
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Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 05-10-07 05:38am
Trainwreck describes your marriage
perfectly.................unfortunately it
does sound beyond repair. Two years
without sex?verbal abuse?even with
apology............too much has been said
and too little done. Although it's scary
cause it's unfamilliar...........divorce
is probably best for both of you. And your
children probably at the very least
suspect...............may come of a bit of
a shock as they have lived so long in this
loveless mess, they probably don't know
any different. If I were you, I'd start
preparing for the emotional and financial
aftermath. You do have 1/2 rights to the
home and believe the old saying
"possession is 9 10s of the law"
applies...........so don't move out. Just
try to be civilized about it and above all
fair to the
children..................despite how he
feels about you/you feel about
him...................your their mother
and he's their father
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trainwreck
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 2
Posted: 05-10-07 07:58am
Well, the things I said were said on
Tuesday evening, not over the course of
the relationship. I guess I'm scared to
accept this, because he's always said we
could work through anything. How am I
supposed to continue to live in this house
with him until "things are settled". I
can't be his friend.
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Spirit
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 12 Mar 2006 Posts: 387 Location: Canada
Posted: 05-11-07 05:24am
"I can't deal with being in the same room
with him" and "I can't be his
friend"...........these statements don't
give off vibes of a person who wants to
save their marriage
Be honest with yourself...............why
are you scared? it's
different............the financial burden
will be heavier?...........what will
people
think(friends/relatives/neighbours)?......
........you'll feel like a failure?
Frustration and unhappiness lead to nasty
words and I'm sure more "shots" were taken
before Tuesday evening..............you
just finally blew up on Tuesday evening
Whatever happens...........you'll be just
fine and so will he.................you
don't have to be
"friends"..................but you should
be respectful to the father of your
children.........................all the
best.................seriously!
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princessnae
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Posts: 90
Ok Posted: 05-14-07 00:52am
Don't put the blame all on yourself. and
for the comments... we all say things out
of anger but it sounds to me like he is
trying to blame it all on you when it take
two to tango you know... He had an affair
right.. he may just want you to break it
off to ease his guilt about everything...
And I completely understand what you mean
about being scared there are alot of
things that will need to be worked out...
but its not the end of the world. And
this could be the best thing for you and
your family..
Good luck
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DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-17-07 13:18pm
Boy that's a lot to swallow TW....I feel
for you. Hopefully you can both open the
lines of communication and get things out
in the open....work on resolving what you
can on your own, then keep asking him if
he'll come into counseling with you....if
I were you, I'd start counseling NOW!
This is a lot for a person to deal with
and I'm sorry you're so unhappy. Best of
luck!
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DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-21-07 15:55pm
Trainwreck, any progress on this? I'm
thinking of you, hoping for the best.....
