I feel its time to share my story. I havent had a bad childhood or even a bad life as some of you have but it still hasnt been great. I've resided in this house since the age of 4. I went to one elementary school and one high school. I make average grades and I have awesome friends. My life has been really good up until january 2000. That was the month that my grandfather died. I was really close to him, he was my only grandfather at the time. And when I found out he died it was like a huge chunk of my heart got ripped out. I remember that morning so clearly (one of the few things I remember of my childhood) I woke up and instantly I knew something was wrong. The house was so quiet (unusual for a house occupying 6 people). I opened up my bedroom door and saw my dad. I asked him where mom was and thats when he told me my grandfather died. Everything went blank for a second and the next thing I remember was crying in my dads arms. That was the first time we've ever displayed any kind of emotions towards eachother. Things got harder throughout that month with the wake, the funeral, the reception, the new year, with everything. Slowly though we started to move on. I later met my other grandfather, my dads dad who left him when he was 9 or 10 (same thing happened to my mom with her mother who left her when she was 8 after having 4 kids she decided she wasnt ready to be a mom) I felt pressured into meeting him, as if he was trying to replace my grandfather. I wasnt a rebellious child, I was more of a 'quiet and keeps to herself' kind of girl. As I got older, I started to dislike my family more and more. My dad has a bad temper, he'll call me a name over the stupidest things (and it hurts!) my mom was just really nosey and annoying and didnt seem to care about my feelings too much. And my parents fought. I began to think about running away, to find a place of my own, so that I can get away from feeling like I dont matter. Can you believe that the last time anyones ever said "i love you" in this house was the day my grandpa died? Its sad. Right now my family is in a huge fight. One of my aunts and her daughter completely disown us because of her daughters stupid lies. They want nothing to do with us. I was really close to my cousin, I looked up to her, she was my idol. It hurt me so much when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That I mean't nothing to her! I was the worst thing ever! I guess thats what makes me a very emotional person but i've learned to channel it into poetry. It scares me when I read the things i've written. Not one of them is happy. Right now I still want to leave home. Maybe ask my aunt if I can move in with her. Im just taking life one day at a time, hoping that everything will get better. Dont get wrong, I love my parents to death but those times when everything goes bad it impacts my feelings more than the good times. Maybe im overreacting? I dont know..


Heres a poem I wrote today...

Do I not mean anything to you? I feel like I don’t exist, like I don’t mean anything to the world. It’s the worst feeling ever. But what is there for me to do? If I could just leave for awhile maybe you’ll notice i’m gone, maybe you’ll start to care. I doubt it. I have hope for the wrong things which makes me hurt ever more. I can try to cry away this pain but it never fully leaves. I’ll always feel that i’m a nobody in your eyes. When i’m gone I hope you regret ever being alive...Because I do.

*hurt* written feb 22 2004

this is my stupid life..My story.

Shannon