This is kind of unusual for me, i am more of an advice giver than an advice taker. But just like everyone on here i am here because i have unresolved issues, if it accomplishes nothing else but allowing me to express myself than that will be worth something.
I wish i could make this post short but given the length of the problem that just isnt possible. I need someone, my whole life i have constantly been alone. I dont relate to other people, never really been in a social situation where interaction was available to me. I have never been accepted for how i am and this has caused emotional damage.
I know my issues, and that is not why i am writing here today. I dont even pretend to hope that someone out there will know more than i already do, i am in a place where i cant seem to find my way out. My inner being shifts from one level to another, and i cant seem to find a balance.
All i have ever wanted was one special girl. One that was honest, sweet, caring and kind, romantic, considerate, passionate, energetic and enthusiastic. Maybe even a little bubbly, but in my entire life i have never had an emotional connection with a girl.. Most likely because i have not met enough.
Which brings me to why i am here, this causes me great stress and anxiety prohibiting me to relax and enjoy the beautiful things the world has to offer. I cant enjoy anything, nothing makes me feel good. I have tried doing things i like.. Sure i like them but i dont enjoy them, i dont smile after i have played some sport or whatever. And its killing me, piece by piece my armor is chipped away.
For anyone whom may read this and have a problem with this posting, go find something better to do than harass someone who is trying to find their way out of the darkness! Honesty for the whole world to see. I am the wrath of a volcanoe, i am the cold sharpness of a sword. I am a creature lurking in the shadows and circling in silence.
Ok forget meds and therapists, i need a female with the attributes of an angel. But who am i kidding right? This isnt a movie with a happy ending, this is life and it doesnt usually end with a happy ending. This is just a howl in the night, i am a wolf may a female return my call. I am a poet by the way, this is how i express myself.
Oh and please, dont be a smartmouth and reply with some negative response. I know you people out there with nothing better to do, but seriously move it on. Heres hoping for something..
Don't worry I feel the same way. I feel as though I can't enjoy anything because I am not enjoying it with a significant other. Hmmm.....I just call myself a beautiful disaster. We are in the same boat dear.
I know exactly how you feel. I was raped before I was even three years old. It had a very odd affect on me. I developed a memory block and have a permanent form of PTSD. PTSD in itself causes many other problems, all of which are psychosematic. I'm not crazy or anything. I just have high anxiety and a lot of medical problems. Because of this men, even my own family like my dad, never really liked me. I was always the second girl-if a guy dated me, it was because he needed a re-bound girl.
Then I met someone who picked me first-I was his first choice. We were together three years and he blew me away. I felt so special, and he constantly talked about marriage the last year. I'm not one for kids, but I loved him enough to plan for it in the future. Then with one argument we had when i was drugged and sick (don't even rememebr it really) He takes it all away. He is only with me because another girl he is "interested in" isn't available. It hurts so bad. There is no happy ending.
But, I move on. A woman should not be the thing that determines your happiness-you should. If you feel not having a woman is why you're so unhappy, I think you should seek help. And start dating casually and go very slow.
The first time I went to see a psychologist for my depression, I told him that even when I have a great trip planned, or something really fun, It seemed like I was never allowed to enjoy it. I told him it felt like there was a tiny being inside me that controlled my body and I was on auto pilot. He was a crappy psychologist, but he did help me with some things. He tried to counsel me on how to live deeply in the moment, to truly experience every little thing I was doing and focus on the positive aspects of each. Even driving (which is a great exercise). Turn off the radio, open the car windows, and think very hard about every little thing you are doing. Listen to the sounds outside your window and breathe deeply. Smell everything around you. This was really helpful to me to learn to live inthe moment. Another thing that actually got me out of therapy was reading a couple of very meaningful books. THe first was "One" by Richard Bach. The other was "The Celestine Prophecy" by (I think) James Redfield. You can't take them as fact or religion, but they made a very positive impact on me and helped me to sort out my S#it.
About the girl---your feelings of wanting to find someone like that are honorable, understandable, and fairly normal. I hope you find that person. I can tell you that when the clouds of this depression are lifted from your shoulders, other people will notice your lightness and naturally be attracted to you.