Hi,

Well I feel more than "a bit" down, but after reading some other peoples problems it makes my situation feel a bit minute. Basically I have been feeling depressed for about 3 years, although I try to cover it up and sometimes I have my days when I'm happy. It started when my brother came to live with us after university, because my mum was having financial trouble, he said he would manage my mums money, but it all went pear-shaped, he was being tight fisted and aggressive over the money and so we had to force him to leave, but during his stay I looked up to him, he used to give me advice (even though he was a hypocrite a lot of the time) and I followed it and then after he left, I tried to take on responsibilities of helping my mum, I was 17 at the time and still immature, but after all of this I started to become more mature, and this is what has got me down.

I just don't fit in anymore, I've become too mature too quick, and I feel like I don't have much in common with most people my age (I am 20 now) most people want to go out clubbing and drinking, I went through a phase of clubbing for about a few months while my brother was here, and then stopped, I've lost all my friends apart from one and my last girlfriend was when I was 17. I live in a poor household, and I have to travel far to go to college, where I study information technology, no one at college speaks to me, I have spoken to them and I will speak to them now and again (I'm not afraid to speak) and they have tried to speak to me, but I just feel like there is a barrier telling me not to hang around with them or get to know them because they don't sound like I could get along with them properly. For example, I am a Vegetarian, I have been since I was 4, I also have what you might consider high moral and ethical standards, which I'm proud of in one way, but it makes me lonely, because say I meet some people, and one of them is always making racist jokes, I will immediately decide that I don't want to know him, because he must be a racist. Or if I'm with someone and they are all for the Iraq war, I wont want to know them, because I have very conflicting views. Because of my views or for who I am, I feel like people might think I'm weird and so I don't tell them, and therefore I don't talk much around people, unless I think they wont judge me or if I think they have similar views. Stupid I guess. Also, I've lived at my current house for 4 years, and I don't know a single person in my town. I moved from a city which is where I travel to go to college to this town, and yeah, don't know anybody.

So anyway, recently I've been going out a bit more, and met some people, but instead of being me, I tried to fit in, and follow the crowd, but I didn't really want to do it, because it's not really me. And I met some girls, and they had an interest in me (it's kind of weird, because I went from no girls having any interest in me, to having 3) but then as I was getting to know them and they were getting to know me, they have kind of slowly faded away, and now I'm back to having no girls interested in me. but the girlfriend problem is worse, because when I go out, I see couples, walking holding hands or kissing, I get so down because I don't have that comfort, all I have is me, and I hate me so I'm kinda screwed. And it's not real good when someone asks me if I know this person or that person from where I live, because I say "nah I don't really know anyone" and then they think I'm even weirder.

I also hate the way I look so I'm just gonna grow my hair long to cover it over my face, I have some kind of slight skin condition, well I have two, one I think is hives, although it's not very serious, and the other is acne which also isn't serious, but it still takes down my self esteem. I try to keep fit, I do press ups and crunches and weights. I'm just rambling here, I don't even know what I'm looking for, I suppose I just need somewhere to vent my depression. But just to finish this, I don't feel suicidal, although I have thought of ways I could kill myself, but only briefly. I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow, because life has treated me badly, not as badly as some people, but still pretty bad.

This depression has been only getting worse and worse and I have been taking days off at college (have taken 2 weeks off at one time) due to it. I would go to see the doctor, but I feel like he's not very professional and I don't really know how a doctor can help how I feel. I don't know what to do.

Karl