I don't think I can amount to anyone I
consider good and successful. I just can't
do good in school. Even people in my own
school are doing better than me. I can't
start over again because it would cost too
much money.
Then there are the people in university.
One of my sisters is one year older than
me and she just finished her third year in
university and going on to the summer
courses while I'm failing high school
courses. Then there are the people who are
like two years younger than me who
finished their first year in university
and are going to take their summer courses
or if they didn't survive their first
year, they at least made it to university.
No university or college would accept me
with this performance. This caca is all my
fault.
I'm also tired of being so introverted.
All I can do is say "Hi" or "'Sup" or
whatever to people. Even when I try to
have a conversation to people, it's
nothing. I don't know anything about
stuff, so how I can talk to people about
stuff? I'm not interested in anything to
know about them.
I got Facebook like almost three weeks ago
and I only have two people on my list and
I only know one of them. When I added the
person I knew and she added me back, I was
happy to become reacquainted with her
since she was nice and seemed to actually
like me, unlike a lot of people when I
talk to them, when I knew her in person.
The problem is that when I talked to her,
she didn't seem too excited to talk to me
again, but maybe I shouldn't have taken it
to heart. However, I saw that she had a
lot of actual friends she was busy with
and I think they had plans to actually
hang out. I see her pictures and I see her
having fun with a bunch of her friends. I
feel so left out that I can't be a part of
not only her social life, but everyone
else I'm interested in becoming friends
with as well. I mean, I see there are
people I'm interested in becoming friends
with that have Facebook accounts as well,
but I'm too speculated (Is that the right
word?) that they would be too freaked out
and things would be too awkward in certain
occasions. Whether I see their pictures,
see or hear their conversations about what
they do, or actually see them do stuff and
having fun, I feel that just won't have as
much fun and happiness as these people.
I remember in high school I never I got
experience the fun that could've came out
of it unlike so much other students I saw.
I don't know about other schools, but
events with activities were held
frequently in the atrium at lunchtime and
I don't recall attending any one of the
events ever in those three years. Every
lunch hour for those three years I was
either hiding in the library or some other
room or outside where I walked far away
from school because I was too embarrassed
to show my loner self to the public of the
school. Most people were hanging out with
other people during that time while I had
no one.
Things have been like this for too long
now. For as long as I can remember and
actually just keeps getting worse over the
years. I think I remember I started
getting suicidal thoughts in the seventh
grade after the same ordeal still existed
in a more primary state in elementary when
I still had some friends. The thing is
that in the seventh grade I actually
thought I was make a whole lot more
friends though, so I don't remember
exactly why I had those thoughts. It was
probably for attention. Obviously, I blew
it though just a few months after I
started the seventh grade. Things just
started to get progressively worse even
though I thought it had gotten better in
the twelfth grade when the bully decreased
to the point I didn't notice it except on
a few occasions. I still feel just as
lonely because I got zero friends now and
I haven't performed this horrible in
school in my entire life.
Sorry for that being long. I just had to
get all that off my chest.
