Mental Conditions Forum - I Need Help With My Husband....

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Q: I Need Help With My Husband....

asked by: ConfusedWife07 on April 30th, 2007

New User

I dont really know if this is the right place to be, but theres not exactly a wide selection of places to comfortably ask something like this...At least not that I can find.....

I'm not even sure how to start this...A few days ago I discovered that my husband had been using google image search to search for things like "kid sex", and "young sexy girl". I immediately confronted him about it, and at first he tried to deny it, saying that he didnt know where those searches came from in our browsing history. Several hours later he admitted the truth. Its not as explicit as I was afraid of, hes not running around trying to touch 4 year olds. He told me that when he was around the age of 13, he started looking for pictures online, of young girls, around the ages of 9, and ten years old. He says that he wasnt necessarily looking for porn, or pictures of girls that age actively engaging in sexual activity, but that he was just looking for pictures of girls in that age range because he found them to be beautiful. He said that most of the time the pictures that caught his eye werent nude pictures, they were picturesof girls clothed, playing and having fun and smiling. He told me that he has always felt that he was "sick" and hated himself for it, but couldnt stop himself, leading to his suicide attempt at age 13(i knew he had attempted suicide in his teens, but I had the impression that it was due to family problems).

He said that it continued until he was about 16, but that as he got older, so did the ages of girls he waslooking at. At age sixteen he was more interested in pictures of girls who were around 12-14. At that point he says his searches did become more targeted toword nude pictures. Around age 16, he says he stopped entirely, and tried to forget about it because he hated himself for doing it. He is now almost 21 years old, and he said that the past few weeks he has begun looking for pictures of young girls again. He says that his searches are still targeted towords the preteen/young teen age group, and the evidence on our computer shows that his searches started suddenly about 3 1/2 weeks ago.

He swears tome that he has never done more than look at pictures, and that he has never attempted or even had the urge to actually touch any young girls. He freely admits that he has a problem and wants to get help, and has already made an appointment with a therapist. The computer is locked and he cant get on it at all right now.

Now the reason I am posting this...I have no idea what to do. I love my husband, more than anything. And I didnt marry him just to leave at the first sign of trouble. We've only been married a year. But im just not sure if i'min too deep, is this something that I need to be running far far away from? Or should I try to stay and help him work through this? Is it even possible for hims to get through this and not feel these urges anymore? The past few days I have seen him break down and cry several times because of his shame and fear that I will leave him. I told him that I will stay if he gets help, which he is doing, but I dont know if that was the right thing? I am confused, shocked, a little angry, and completely unsure of myself. I am also 7 months pregnant with our first child, and I want to do right by her. Could I be entering my unborn baby into a home where she might be molested? I need help....Does anybody here have any thoughts at all?

Replies(7)

Spirit

replied on May 4th, 2007

Experienced User

First impression..................Oh .Yuck!.....................not your typical problem......................

I can see your dilemma.........newly married, pregnant and in love(and shock).....................people have all sorts of bizzare sexual fantasies..........and if they were wise would keep most of them to themselves or at the very least learn to cover their tracks.............

.........doubt it's harmless as he's lied about it, then admitted it's been a long term thing................however let's face it don't matter how old they get the majority of men do ogle the young..............yeah it's gross..........morally ethically and emotionally wrong............but that ain't gonna stop it........

............your not obligated to stay with him..................no matter what you said......and who cares that he cried.........many abusers, emotional or otherwise cry to keep their woman............just get the facts straight and reexamine what's happened in the past......................when he married you, did you have the preteen body type and now that your major preggo has he lost interest in you sexually? do you know where he is at all times? and do you want to feel like you have to watch him 24/7 forever?

................definitely a tough one...........and I'm sure most would say dump him..............you need someone to talk to.............but who? if you tell a friend they will continuely tell you to get rid of him..................family would hate him forever................i feel for you...............I know what I would do, but I've been married and have had my children and through life experience realize having someone is not the be all end all...............it's just something we have to learn on our own..............and bringing a newborn into the picture changes everything.................it's not just you and him anymore...................if you decide to stay talk it out...................to death..............this is not one to sweep under the rug Smile

future_single_mom

replied on June 20th, 2009

New User

My husband too

I'm going through something similar but my daughter is now 3 years old and I'm considering divorce. Before my daughter was born I had a miscarriage. It was a devastating experience for me and I was very upset afterwards. My husband was not supportive at all and he spent a lot of time on his computer. It made me frustrated and angry that he wanted to be online so much rather than help me deal with the loss of my pregnancy. So I did end up looking on his computer and found that he had searched for "young girls, Seattle" (we live in Seattle). I was shocked and felt sick to my stomach. When I asked him about it he had nothing to say. It has been 4 years since this happened and we are finally going to see a marriage counselor. But because of this incident and other issues I do not feel that I want to stay in this marriage. Basically I'm waiting until I can put my daughter in preschool and find full time work. I believe the reason I stayed in the marriage even when I saw many red flags, is because I wanted to be a mother so badly. I was 37 when I had my daughter and thought time was not on my side.

I hope you have been able to find a solution to your problem. If it doesn't get cleared up now it will likely come back to haunt you in the future like it has me.

wendyrs

replied on July 12th, 2009

Supporter

This is a difficult one. You know if he was looking at regular porn it wouldn't be a problem but he's looking at young girls and you're bringing a little girl into your household soon. This scares me. His crying tells me that he's thinking about or has done something he shouldn't have, in other words, I think it says that he's done more than just look. Another problem is, if you do divorce him how can you trust him to spend time with your daughter? She would be my first concern and as her mother you are going to have to protect her.

kdlee

replied on July 16th, 2009

Supporter

Speaking as some one who was abused as a child I don't trust any man who feels viewing little ones is a sexual thing..babies are babies..Be mighty careful-of not only your daughter but of her friends as well..

MyrahU

replied on July 16th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

If you choose to stay with him, you know that you'll always have to watch him and watch your children for signs of abuse. When ever I've heard stories of a child's sexual abuse by their father, I often hear the child blaming the mother for not doing anything. You can never be in denial or dismiss anything, even a tiny suspicion. If your child seems reluctant to spend time with him, if she starts to have trouble in school, if she doesn't want to have friends over, if she won't leave your side, if she wets the bed, if she starts playing inappropriately with other children or her toys, if she starts having boyfriends at an early age or becomes sexually active early, and a ton of other signs--you cannot ignore even a single one. You need to do your research and know the signs. It may not start until she reaches 12 or so (the age he's attracted to) or it could start earlier.

You need to make sure he's sticking with the therapy, but even that is no guarantee. These things can escalate, even if he's never acted on these urges, he may some day in a moment of weakness. I also doubt that he wasn't abused as a child. Sexual attraction usually evolves as a person gets older, so they are more attracted to appropriate people. Abuse can halt this process and keep a person tied to the attractions they had when they were abused.

I know it sounds like we've all convicted him before he may have even done the crime, but we don't know him and we fear for your children and what he might do. Also, even possessing child pornography is a crime that could label him as a sex offender for the rest of his life. This is not something to take lightly, and I know you aren't.

I wish there was an easy solution or even a proven treatment for this, but there isn't. You have to decide if it's worth the risk to stay with him and have your daughter around him. You have a very big responsibility to your daughter. This will not be easy.

childprotect

replied on August 31st, 2009

New User

I am going through a divorce and have been married for 10 years. My husband has called out the name of our daughter during intercourse when sahe was just a baby.
mY concern then was his level of drinking. I left him and returned putting it aside.

Was howver very watchful of his behaviour around children. Mine and others. Noticced he was fond of looking at little girls and pubescent women. I must admit I had that body type when we met. As I had children and filled out he would comment that I was fat....whereas other people would say I was rather slim for a mother.

He had been drawn to certain tv shows ...Law & Order SVU and was regularly watching porn. I noticed email about the youngest girls and teens and he said he just got it nevr opened it.
He admitted to me that he was given porn as a child by his parents A video called Flash Gordon. He tried to introduce it into our sex life. I have never been interested.

He was watching it again as our marraige became strained and he was leaving pornagraphic magazines within reach beside his bedside table. I removed thoose for fear of the children coming across them.

But shock horror: one night he came home late and was so drunk got in to bed laughing and pleasuring himself and called out our seven year old daughter's name.

All the pieces came together in an instant. There was no way to deny what I thought before.

i left him and he has to have supervised visits with the kids. He has touched the oldest on inappropriately since and I am getting an injunction against him. He is trying to say I am doing this to win custody and or that I am deluded.

He says I am upset because the kids like him more than me and that I am going to hurt them for life.

I wish I could say there was help or hope for him, but wwhen i confronted him he started coming home late and never denied what he had said. His drinking became heavier and ha became verbally and emotionally abusive towards me infront of the children.

He has no adult friends that I know of, has lost his job and license and now is reaching out for the kids. I doubt this men has ever loved me. And god only knows what he fantasises about. Had I not been there in that bedroom we might have still been together if i had not heard the words out of his mouth.

wendyrs

replied on August 31st, 2009

Supporter

All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. You are making all the right decisions to protect your children. Keep your head up high and don't listen to his rude comments. He's just the type that wouldn't ever accept responsibility for his actions so don't ever blame yourself. I wish you and your children well and we're here if you should ever need to talk.

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