Husband Attracted to Kids Posted: 04-30-07 17:59pm
I dont really know if this is the right
place to be, but theres not exactly a wide
selection of places to comfortably ask
something like this...at least not that I
can find.....
I'm not even sure how to start this...a
few days ago i discovered that my husband
had been using google image search to
search for things like "kid sex", and
"young sexy girl". I immediately
confronted him about it, and at first he
tried to deny it, saying that he didnt
know where those searches came from in our
browsing history. Several hours later he
admitted the truth. Its not as explicit
as I was afraid of, hes not running around
trying to touch 4 year olds. He told me
that when he was around the age of 13, he
started looking for pictures online, of
young girls, around the ages of 9, and ten
years old. he says that he wasnt
necessarily looking for PORN, or pictures
of girls that age actively engaging in
sexual activity, but that he was just
looking for pictures of girls in that age
range because he found them to be
beautiful. He said that most of the time
the pictures that caught his eye werent
nude pictures, they were picturesof girls
clothed, playing and having fun and
smiling. He told me that he has always
felt that he was "sick" and hated himself
for it, but couldnt stop himself, leading
to his suicide attempt at age 13(I knew he
had attempted suicide in his teens, but I
had the impression that it was due to
family problems).
He said that it continued until he was
about 16, but that as he got older, so did
the ages of girls he waslooking at. At
age sixteen he was more interested in
pictures of girls who were around 12-14.
At that point he says his searches did
become more targeted toword nude pictures.
Around age 16, he says he stopped
entirely, and tried to forget about it
because he hated himself for doing it.
He is now almost 21 years old, and he said
that the past few weeks he has begun
looking for pictures of young girls again.
He says that his searches are still
targeted towords the preteen/young teen
age group, and the evidence on our
computer shows that his searches started
suddenly about 3 1/2 weeks ago.
He swears tome that he has never done more
than look at pictures, and that he has
NEVER attempted or even had the urge to
actually touch any young girls. He freely
admits that he has a problem and wants to
get help, and has already made an
appointment with a therapist. The
computer is locked and he cant get on it
at all right now.
Now the reason I am posting this...I have
no idea what to do. I love my husband,
more than anything. and I didnt marry him
just to leave at the first sign of
trouble. We've only been married a year.
But Im just not sure if I'min too deep,
is this something that I need to be
running far far away from? or should I
try to stay and help him work through
this? is it even possible for hims to get
through this and not feel these urges
anymore? the past few days I have seen
him break down and cry several times
because of his shame and fear that i will
leave him. I told him that I will stay if
he gets help, which he is doing, but I
dont know if that was the right thing? I
am confused, shocked, a little angry, and
completely unsure of myself. I am also 7
months pregnant with our first child, and
i want to do right by her. Could I be
entering my unborn baby into a home where
she might be molested? I need help....does
anybody here have any thoughts at all?
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 04-30-07 18:27pm
I think therapy is the best bet for your
husband. There is no way to know what of
the things he has said are true, and what
parts he was trying to gloss over.
I think he needs a lot of help and a lot
of therapy. I hope it works. People put
into jail for this kind of thing have a
very low rate of succesful therapy, which
is why in some places sex offenders are
being required to have signs on their
lawns.
I cannot say what you should do. I
personally would stay with my husband in
this situation because I know that the
realm of the internet is very different
from the real world. I do understand your
fears.
|
JJbrown8
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 23
Posted: 04-30-07 18:47pm
I agree. He definately needs some help.
If he is let alone on this then it will
esculate to something worse even though he
says it won't. Spend time with him. Be
his satisfaction and his desire. It can
destroy him mentally if he looks at these
pictures and trys to stop but can't. His
self-confidence will be ruined because he
thinks he is a failure. Tell him to
meditate on it and to think it out. Make
sure it is almost impossible for him to
look at those pictures without you or
someone else knowing. Most importantly, be
there for him. It may be a lonely time for
him and you being his most important thing
in life need to be there for him. If you
catch him doing again try not to get too
angry. We are all only human. As long as
he is trying to stop it shows that he
cares for you.
|
ConfusedWife07
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Apr 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 05-01-07 04:04am
JJbrown8
wrote:
I agree. He definately needs
some help.
If he is let alone on this then it will
esculate to something worse even though he
says it won't. Spend time with him. Be
his satisfaction and his desire. It can
destroy him mentally if he looks at these
pictures and trys to stop but can't. His
self-confidence will be ruined because he
thinks he is a failure. Tell him to
meditate on it and to think it out. Make
sure it is almost impossible for him to
look at those pictures without you or
someone else knowing. Most importantly, be
there for him. It may be a lonely time for
him and you being his most important thing
in life need to be there for him. If you
catch him doing again try not to get too
angry. We are all only human. As long as
he is trying to stop it shows that he
cares for
you.
I'm trying to be here for him and support
him...but when I look at him I get
completely lost. I have no idea what to
think...Ive tried dicussing it with him so
that I can understand it better, but it
just doesnt work that well. I do think he
may have been sugar coating some of it,
but I also see how upset he gets when we
talk about it which tells me that he
really does think he has a problem and
needs help. So Ive decided that I will
stay and try to help him....but its hard
because theres moments when I feel like
its partially my fault...like he wants and
needs something that I just cant give him.
And maybe if I could fulfill his needs a
little better then he wouldnt feel the
need to look at those pictures. I believe
him when he says its never gone past
looking stuff up on the internet. But now
when we go somewhere, I get jumpy anytime
a 12 year old girl walks near us in a
public place.
It is essentially impossible for him to
even get on a computer right now, our home
computer is passowrd locked and his job
keeps him far away from any computers. But
Im afraid that will only help for so long,
I cant stand guard over him forever. And
of course, my biggest worry is that Im
going to deliever my daughter into the
arms of a child molester....I cant shake
that terrified feeling. I was a victim of
sexual abuse as a child, not at the hands
of my father, but of another close family
member, and I dont want to take the
smallest chance that that could happen to
my baby. Im trying to make sure heknows
he has my support, but then again I can
only support him so much when truthfully,
I am scared of him and what he could do.
How can I calm my fears and be more
supportive of him?
|
MikeH90
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 328 Location: , Illinois USA
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-01-07 07:58am
ConfusedWife07
wrote:
JJbrown8
wrote:
I agree. He definately needs
some help.
If he is let alone on this then it will
esculate to something worse even though he
says it won't. Spend time with him. Be
his satisfaction and his desire. It can
destroy him mentally if he looks at these
pictures and trys to stop but can't. His
self-confidence will be ruined because he
thinks he is a failure. Tell him to
meditate on it and to think it out. Make
sure it is almost impossible for him to
look at those pictures without you or
someone else knowing. Most importantly, be
there for him. It may be a lonely time for
him and you being his most important thing
in life need to be there for him. If you
catch him doing again try not to get too
angry. We are all only human. As long as
he is trying to stop it shows that he
cares for
you.
I think that you need to find someone
qualified to talk to as well. He needs
therapy and so do you. Not sure if this
should be done alone or as a couple. I
think I would start with both of you
seeking therapy alone and then at some
point going together.
Wish you luck, hopefully he is telling you
the truth.
I'm trying to be here for him and support
him...but when I look at him I get
completely lost. I have no idea what to
think...Ive tried dicussing it with him so
that I can understand it better, but it
just doesnt work that well. I do think he
may have been sugar coating some of it,
but I also see how upset he gets when we
talk about it which tells me that he
really does think he has a problem and
needs help. So Ive decided that I will
stay and try to help him....but its hard
because theres moments when I feel like
its partially my fault...like he wants and
needs something that I just cant give him.
And maybe if I could fulfill his needs a
little better then he wouldnt feel the
need to look at those pictures. I believe
him when he says its never gone past
looking stuff up on the internet. But now
when we go somewhere, I get jumpy anytime
a 12 year old girl walks near us in a
public place.
It is essentially impossible for him to
even get on a computer right now, our home
computer is passowrd locked and his job
keeps him far away from any computers. But
Im afraid that will only help for so long,
I cant stand guard over him forever. And
of course, my biggest worry is that Im
going to deliever my daughter into the
arms of a child molester....I cant shake
that terrified feeling. I was a victim of
sexual abuse as a child, not at the hands
of my father, but of another close family
member, and I dont want to take the
smallest chance that that could happen to
my baby. Im trying to make sure heknows
he has my support, but then again I can
only support him so much when truthfully,
I am scared of him and what he could do.
How can I calm my fears and be more
supportive of
him?
I hate to say this but because i have a
baby girl i would never keep her in the
same home as him until i know that he has
gotten past all of this. I hate to think
that because he 'just' hasnt' had any
access to young girls he hasn't done
anything. You need to consider your baby.
And with his focus being young girls you
can't risk it. I would advise you to
Stick by him, however don't keep your baby
in the house with him alone until you are
100% sure that these feelings he has had
goes away and are long gone.
I just don't see how everyone else has
over looked the fact that you have/are
going to have a baby. What happens when
she hits 8-12 years old and his feelings
come back? Please please consider your
child and please don't bring her home to
him. It goes past you loving him. You are
having a child and you are responsible for
her and allowing her to be in a home with
this man who likes to look at young girls
isnt a good idea. If you don't leave him
i hope that you will consider adoption for
your little baby girl.
Good luck to you.
|
Llewellyn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jan 2007 Posts: 1743 Location: NY
Posted: 05-01-07 12:50pm
When I was reading through the first post,
my first thought was, "Sure, stay with
him. He's admitting it and willing to get
help." Then when I got to the part about
the baby, and I thought, "Oh...." That
might change things. I am kind of torn.
Like eiri said, child molesters do not
usually do well in therapy. I don't know
about just looking and not touching.
Maybe they do better in therapy than
people who actually touch, but I would not
bet any money on it.
Like Mias, I think the baby is going to be
a big deciding factor. Personally, I
might be able to live with this sort of
issue, but when you talk about bringing a
baby into it, then I am not so sure.
You would have to worry about your baby.
Then let's say he never does take it to
the touching level, well will he try to
walk in on her when she is getting dressed
or anything like that? Maybe he would
never touch or look at his own child, but
what if she had a friend over? Would he
try to walk in on her when she is taking a
shower or something?
It's so tough to say because none of us
are mind readers, and none of us know the
future. It's a gamble either way. If you
stay, you might be putting your child or
one of her friends at risk. However, if
you leave, your might be denying you baby
a guy who would have been a wonderful and
safe father.
|
Tylanas
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Jul 2005 Posts: 12985
Thanks: 3
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-01-07 13:12pm
I personally have a difficult time with
the internet issue half of this. I know
from experince that doing things online
and actually considering to do them in
real life are totally different things.
MY father was once caught online talking
to a woman from a dating site. They
messages were not sexual in any fashion;
and the other woman knew my father was
never intending to have a relationship
with her. My mother freaked out anyway.
I too have close friendships with people
online; I have roleplayed with them as
characters and had cybersex - as a
character, not myself - with them. I am
engaged. I never planned on meeting those
people offline and I never intend to meet
them now. Most of them think I am male,
too.
There is a form of japanese cartoon pron
called yaoi. A specific subset of it is
called shota; and it's techncially
drawings of two young boys. Personally I
find real child porn to be disgusting. I
view shota differently because I am an
artist. It doesn't "do" anything for me,
and I don't seek out shota; I prefer adult
yaoi. But it's out there, and I do view it
when it's there. I would never in my sane
mind be attracted to little boys! But I do
see and view these images.
So I have strong experiences with the
internet as a distinctly different world
from real life. I've gone a bit out on a
limb here, exposing myself for you guys. I
hope though, that I'm not doing the wrong
thing and supporting a child molestor. I
just want to remind people that the
internet is the internet, and real life is
real life. If your husband is able to keep
them separate as I can, then you and your
daughter will be fine.
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8005 Location: Missouri, United States
Thanks: 2
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-01-07 13:14pm
miasmamma
wrote:
I hate to say this but
because i have a baby girl i would never
keep her in the same home as him until i
know that he has gotten past all of this.
I hate to think that because he 'just'
hasnt' had any access to young girls he
hasn't done anything. You need to
consider your baby. And with his focus
being young girls you can't risk it. I
would advise you to Stick by him, however
don't keep your baby in the house with him
alone until you are 100% sure that these
feelings he has had goes away and are long
gone.
I just don't see how everyone else has
over looked the fact that you have/are
going to have a baby. What happens when
she hits 8-12 years old and his feelings
come back? Please please consider your
child and please don't bring her home to
him. It goes past you loving him. You are
having a child and you are responsible for
her and allowing her to be in a home with
this man who likes to look at young girls
isnt a good idea. If you don't leave him
i hope that you will consider adoption for
your little baby girl.
Good luck to
you.
100% agree.
it sounds like he was sugar coating a lot
of it, i think it's wrong for a grown man
to look up pictures of 'sexy little girls'
or whatever you said it was, that's
seriously wrong even if it is just the
internet, just the fact that he has those
thoughts.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-01-07 13:28pm
I know you love him but that life you are
bringing into the world shouldbe your top
priority,over everything,even your love
for him.I would never let my baby girl
around him alone,ever.Most molesters start
out "just looking" but it usually turns
into something more than that.I know you
certainly don't want your daughter to go
through what you went through and you
would want her to have a normal life and
do you really want to be worried about
that for the rest of your life?
|
MikeH90
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 328 Location: , Illinois USA
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-01-07 13:32pm
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
I know you love him but that
life you are bringing into the world
shouldbe your top priority,over
everything,even your love for him.I would
never let my baby girl around him
alone,ever.Most molesters start out "just
looking" but it usually turns into
something more than that.I know you
certainly don't want your daughter to go
through what you went through and you
would want her to have a normal life and
do you really want to be worried about
that for the rest of your
life?
just to play devils advocate here, not
saying its right or not - but the baby is
also HIS - its just not hers and as a
father he has rights. Remember he hasn't
been charged guility of anything yet
accept looking.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-01-07 13:39pm
MikeH90
wrote:
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
I know you love him but that
life you are bringing into the world
shouldbe your top priority,over
everything,even your love for him.I would
never let my baby girl around him
alone,ever.Most molesters start out "just
looking" but it usually turns into
something more than that.I know you
certainly don't want your daughter to go
through what you went through and you
would want her to have a normal life and
do you really want to be worried about
that for the rest of your
life?
just to play devils advocate here, not
saying its right or not - but the baby is
also HIS - its just not hers and as a
father he has rights. Remember he hasn't
been charged guility of anything yet
accept
looking.
I know but so many child
molesters run around because "they havn't
commited a crime yet" but then one day
your watching tv and you see them on
dateline nbc.people like that are sick in
the head.Yes it is his daughter and he
sound be able to see his daughter but I
think it should be supervised and he
should not be left alone with her.i'm not
tryingt o be negative but this kind of
thing is nothing to mess around with.
|
HcoBrunette06
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 8005 Location: Missouri, United States
Thanks: 2
Thanked:1
Posted: 05-01-07 13:41pm
yeah but whos to say that he won't look at
his daughter when she gets to be that age,
you don't know this man and what goes
through his mind, obviously none of us do
but the fact that he's looking things like
that up online shows that he has those
kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
|
MikeH90
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 328 Location: , Illinois USA
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-01-07 13:44pm
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
yeah but whos to say that he
won't look at his daughter when she gets
to be that age, you don't know this man
and what goes through his mind, obviously
none of us do but the fact that he's
looking things like that up online shows
that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
I could live with that. Provided that the
wife is planning on divorcing him. She
still seems up in the air as to what to do
though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem
seem pretty good.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-01-07 13:46pm
MikeH90
wrote:
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
yeah but whos to say that he
won't look at his daughter when she gets
to be that age, you don't know this man
and what goes through his mind, obviously
none of us do but the fact that he's
looking things like that up online shows
that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
I could live with that. Provided that the
wife is planning on divorcing him. She
still seems up in the air as to what to do
though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem
seem pretty
good.
I know right!? this is a
thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to
do it but she has to do the right thing
for her unborn child, ya know?
|
MikeH90
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 328 Location: , Illinois USA
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-01-07 13:51pm
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
MikeH90
wrote:
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
yeah but whos to say that he
won't look at his daughter when she gets
to be that age, you don't know this man
and what goes through his mind, obviously
none of us do but the fact that he's
looking things like that up online shows
that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
I could live with that. Provided that the
wife is planning on divorcing him. She
still seems up in the air as to what to do
though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem
seem pretty
good.
I know right!? this is a
thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to
do it but she has to do the right thing
for her unborn child, ya
know?
Like I posted before, they both need
counseling, alone and then eventually
together IF she decides to stick it out.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-01-07 13:54pm
MikeH90
wrote:
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
MikeH90
wrote:
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
yeah but whos to say that he
won't look at his daughter when she gets
to be that age, you don't know this man
and what goes through his mind, obviously
none of us do but the fact that he's
looking things like that up online shows
that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
I could live with that. Provided that the
wife is planning on divorcing him. She
still seems up in the air as to what to do
though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem
seem pretty
good.
I know right!? this is a
thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to
do it but she has to do the right thing
for her unborn child, ya
know?
not being nasty,but why
does she need counceling?so she
understands more about it or what?
Like I posted before, they both need
counseling, alone and then eventually
together IF she decides to stick it
out.
|
MikeH90
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Posts: 328 Location: , Illinois USA
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 05-01-07 14:00pm
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
MikeH90
wrote:
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
MikeH90
wrote:
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
yeah but whos to say that he
won't look at his daughter when she gets
to be that age, you don't know this man
and what goes through his mind, obviously
none of us do but the fact that he's
looking things like that up online shows
that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
I could live with that. Provided that the
wife is planning on divorcing him. She
still seems up in the air as to what to do
though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem
seem pretty
good.
I know right!? this is a
thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to
do it but she has to do the right thing
for her unborn child, ya
know?
not being nasty,but why
does she need counceling?so she
understands more about it or what?
Like I posted before, they both need
counseling, alone and then eventually
together IF she decides to stick it
out.
<
span class="postbody">
she needs to be able to talk to someone
(besides him) as to what options she has.
Does she stay with him? Does she file for
divorce, can she then keep him away just
because of what he told her or does she
need evidence? How about counseling to
help her deal with her feelings? This has
to be devastating to her. They should be
celebrating the birth of their child and
now she is dealing with a pedophile for a
husband. I'm sure she is feeling
overwhelmed and not knowing what to do.
She thought she knew this man and turns
out she doesn't. Talking to someone
without any emotional ties will help.
|
Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
Thanks: 30
Thanked:46
Posted: 05-01-07 14:40pm
MikeH90
wrote:
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
MikeH90
wrote:
~*~Melissa~*~
wrote:
MikeH90
wrote:
HcoBrunette06
wrote:
yeah but whos to say that he
won't look at his daughter when she gets
to be that age, you don't know this man
and what goes through his mind, obviously
none of us do but the fact that he's
looking things like that up online shows
that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that
he should have are supervised visitation
only.
I could live with that. Provided that the
wife is planning on divorcing him. She
still seems up in the air as to what to do
though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem
seem pretty
good.
I know right!? this is a
thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to
do it but she has to do the right thing
for her unborn child, ya
know?
not being nasty,but why
does she need counceling?so she
understands more about it or what?
Like I posted before, they both need
counseling, alone and then eventually
together IF she decides to stick it
out.
<
span class="postbody">
she needs to be able to talk to someone
(besides him) as to what options she has.
Does she stay with him? Does she file for
divorce, can she then keep him away just
because of what he told her or does she
need evidence? How about counseling to
help her deal with her feelings? This has
to be devastating to her. They should be
celebrating the birth of their child and
now she is dealing with a pedophile for a
husband. I'm sure she is feeling
overwhelmed and not knowing what to do.
She thought she knew this man and turns
out she doesn't. Talking to someone
without any emotional ties will
help.
I hope that talking to an outside source
will help her. But she still runs the
risk of having her husband revert back to
his old ways. He stopped once and nothing
stopped him from starting all over again.
So whats to say that he won't stop once
the child is the age that he prefers.
People get locked up for looking at
children the way he does. And she does
have proof everything that he does on line
is recorded. It's not about him and her
anymore. It's not about their
relationship, it's not about it being his
child anymore, it's not about two adults,
its about the life that she is carrying
and about to have in a few short months.
yeah...maybe he doesn't like children
under the age of 12, but what happens when
she turns 12? and her little friends come
over? what happens to them? The wife
knows about this and if she stays with
him...i hope that if anything ever happens
to that little girl that she is also held
responsible, because she knew about her
husband's problem and still stayed with
him. he has admitted that he has had this
problem before and knew that it was bad
that he even felt sick for doing it...what
does that tell you? that he knows it's
wrong...but chose to do it anyway. so
what is going to stop him from touching
the child or even taking pictures of her
in that way?
I am sorry dear...but this isn't a first
sign of trouble if he had admitted to
starting this at the age of 13...Please
take your baby and run. Please.
