Sexual Health - Men Forum - Husband Attracted to Kids

Tylanas

replied on April 30th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

I think therapy is the best bet for your husband. There is no way to know what of the things he has said are true, and what parts he was trying to gloss over.

I think he needs a lot of help and a lot of therapy. I hope it works. People put into jail for this kind of thing have a very low rate of succesful therapy, which is why in some places sex offenders are being required to have signs on their lawns.

I cannot say what you should do. I personally would stay with my husband in this situation because I know that the realm of the internet is very different from the real world. I do understand your fears.

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JJbrown8

replied on April 30th, 2007

New User

I agree. He definately needs some help.
If he is let alone on this then it will esculate to something worse even though he says it won't. Spend time with him. Be his satisfaction and his desire. It can destroy him mentally if he looks at these pictures and trys to stop but can't. His self-confidence will be ruined because he thinks he is a failure. Tell him to meditate on it and to think it out. Make sure it is almost impossible for him to look at those pictures without you or someone else knowing. Most importantly, be there for him. It may be a lonely time for him and you being his most important thing in life need to be there for him. If you catch him doing again try not to get too angry. We are all only human. As long as he is trying to stop it shows that he cares for you.

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ConfusedWife07

replied on May 1st, 2007

New User

JJbrown8 wrote:

I agree. He definately needs some help.
If he is let alone on this then it will esculate to something worse even though he says it won't. Spend time with him. Be his satisfaction and his desire. It can destroy him mentally if he looks at these pictures and trys to stop but can't. His self-confidence will be ruined because he thinks he is a failure. Tell him to meditate on it and to think it out. Make sure it is almost impossible for him to look at those pictures without you or someone else knowing. Most importantly, be there for him. It may be a lonely time for him and you being his most important thing in life need to be there for him. If you catch him doing again try not to get too angry. We are all only human. As long as he is trying to stop it shows that he cares for you.

I'm trying to be here for him and support him...but when I look at him I get completely lost. I have no idea what to think...Ive tried dicussing it with him so that I can understand it better, but it just doesnt work that well. I do think he may have been sugar coating some of it, but I also see how upset he gets when we talk about it which tells me that he really does think he has a problem and needs help. So Ive decided that I will stay and try to help him....but its hard because theres moments when I feel like its partially my fault...like he wants and needs something that I just cant give him. And maybe if I could fulfill his needs a little better then he wouldnt feel the need to look at those pictures. I believe him when he says its never gone past looking stuff up on the internet. But now when we go somewhere, I get jumpy anytime a 12 year old girl walks near us in a public place.

It is essentially impossible for him to even get on a computer right now, our home computer is passowrd locked and his job keeps him far away from any computers. But Im afraid that will only help for so long, I cant stand guard over him forever. And of course, my biggest worry is that Im going to deliever my daughter into the arms of a child molester....I cant shake that terrified feeling. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, not at the hands of my father, but of another close family member, and I dont want to take the smallest chance that that could happen to my baby. Im trying to make sure heknows he has my support, but then again I can only support him so much when truthfully, I am scared of him and what he could do. How can I calm my fears and be more supportive of him?

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MikeH90

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

ConfusedWife07 wrote:

JJbrown8 wrote:

I agree. He definately needs some help.
If he is let alone on this then it will esculate to something worse even though he says it won't. Spend time with him. Be his satisfaction and his desire. It can destroy him mentally if he looks at these pictures and trys to stop but can't. His self-confidence will be ruined because he thinks he is a failure. Tell him to meditate on it and to think it out. Make sure it is almost impossible for him to look at those pictures without you or someone else knowing. Most importantly, be there for him. It may be a lonely time for him and you being his most important thing in life need to be there for him. If you catch him doing again try not to get too angry. We are all only human. As long as he is trying to stop it shows that he cares for you.

I think that you need to find someone qualified to talk to as well. He needs therapy and so do you. Not sure if this should be done alone or as a couple. I think I would start with both of you seeking therapy alone and then at some point going together.

Wish you luck, hopefully he is telling you the truth.
I'm trying to be here for him and support him...but when I look at him I get completely lost. I have no idea what to think...Ive tried dicussing it with him so that I can understand it better, but it just doesnt work that well. I do think he may have been sugar coating some of it, but I also see how upset he gets when we talk about it which tells me that he really does think he has a problem and needs help. So Ive decided that I will stay and try to help him....but its hard because theres moments when I feel like its partially my fault...like he wants and needs something that I just cant give him. And maybe if I could fulfill his needs a little better then he wouldnt feel the need to look at those pictures. I believe him when he says its never gone past looking stuff up on the internet. But now when we go somewhere, I get jumpy anytime a 12 year old girl walks near us in a public place.

It is essentially impossible for him to even get on a computer right now, our home computer is passowrd locked and his job keeps him far away from any computers. But Im afraid that will only help for so long, I cant stand guard over him forever. And of course, my biggest worry is that Im going to deliever my daughter into the arms of a child molester....I cant shake that terrified feeling. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, not at the hands of my father, but of another close family member, and I dont want to take the smallest chance that that could happen to my baby. Im trying to make sure heknows he has my support, but then again I can only support him so much when truthfully, I am scared of him and what he could do. How can I calm my fears and be more supportive of him?

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miasmamma

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

I hate to say this but because i have a baby girl i would never keep her in the same home as him until i know that he has gotten past all of this. I hate to think that because he 'just' hasnt' had any access to young girls he hasn't done anything. You need to consider your baby. And with his focus being young girls you can't risk it. I would advise you to Stick by him, however don't keep your baby in the house with him alone until you are 100% sure that these feelings he has had goes away and are long gone.

I just don't see how everyone else has over looked the fact that you have/are going to have a baby. What happens when she hits 8-12 years old and his feelings come back? Please please consider your child and please don't bring her home to him. It goes past you loving him. You are having a child and you are responsible for her and allowing her to be in a home with this man who likes to look at young girls isnt a good idea. If you don't leave him i hope that you will consider adoption for your little baby girl.

Good luck to you.

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Llewellyn

replied on May 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

When I was reading through the first post, my first thought was, "Sure, stay with him. He's admitting it and willing to get help." Then when I got to the part about the baby, and I thought, "Oh...." That might change things. I am kind of torn.

Like eiri said, child molesters do not usually do well in therapy. I don't know about just looking and not touching. Maybe they do better in therapy than people who actually touch, but I would not bet any money on it.

Like Mias, I think the baby is going to be a big deciding factor. Personally, I might be able to live with this sort of issue, but when you talk about bringing a baby into it, then I am not so sure.

You would have to worry about your baby. Then let's say he never does take it to the touching level, well will he try to walk in on her when she is getting dressed or anything like that? Maybe he would never touch or look at his own child, but what if she had a friend over? Would he try to walk in on her when she is taking a shower or something?

It's so tough to say because none of us are mind readers, and none of us know the future. It's a gamble either way. If you stay, you might be putting your child or one of her friends at risk. However, if you leave, your might be denying you baby a guy who would have been a wonderful and safe father.

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Tylanas

replied on May 1st, 2007

Especially eHealthy

I personally have a difficult time with the internet issue half of this. I know from experince that doing things online and actually considering to do them in real life are totally different things.

MY father was once caught online talking to a woman from a dating site. They messages were not sexual in any fashion; and the other woman knew my father was never intending to have a relationship with her. My mother freaked out anyway.

I too have close friendships with people online; I have roleplayed with them as characters and had cybersex - as a character, not myself - with them. I am engaged. I never planned on meeting those people offline and I never intend to meet them now. Most of them think I am male, too.

There is a form of japanese cartoon pron called yaoi. A specific subset of it is called shota; and it's techncially drawings of two young boys. Personally I find real child porn to be disgusting. I view shota differently because I am an artist. It doesn't "do" anything for me, and I don't seek out shota; I prefer adult yaoi. But it's out there, and I do view it when it's there. I would never in my sane mind be attracted to little boys! But I do see and view these images.

So I have strong experiences with the internet as a distinctly different world from real life. I've gone a bit out on a limb here, exposing myself for you guys. I hope though, that I'm not doing the wrong thing and supporting a child molestor. I just want to remind people that the internet is the internet, and real life is real life. If your husband is able to keep them separate as I can, then you and your daughter will be fine.

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HcoBrunette06

replied on May 1st, 2007

Especially eHealthy

miasmamma wrote:

I hate to say this but because i have a baby girl i would never keep her in the same home as him until i know that he has gotten past all of this. I hate to think that because he 'just' hasnt' had any access to young girls he hasn't done anything. You need to consider your baby. And with his focus being young girls you can't risk it. I would advise you to Stick by him, however don't keep your baby in the house with him alone until you are 100% sure that these feelings he has had goes away and are long gone.

I just don't see how everyone else has over looked the fact that you have/are going to have a baby. What happens when she hits 8-12 years old and his feelings come back? Please please consider your child and please don't bring her home to him. It goes past you loving him. You are having a child and you are responsible for her and allowing her to be in a home with this man who likes to look at young girls isnt a good idea. If you don't leave him i hope that you will consider adoption for your little baby girl.

Good luck to you.

100% agree.

it sounds like he was sugar coating a lot of it, i think it's wrong for a grown man to look up pictures of 'sexy little girls' or whatever you said it was, that's seriously wrong even if it is just the internet, just the fact that he has those thoughts.

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Willa Weintraub

replied on May 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I know you love him but that life you are bringing into the world shouldbe your top priority,over everything,even your love for him.I would never let my baby girl around him alone,ever.Most molesters start out "just looking" but it usually turns into something more than that.I know you certainly don't want your daughter to go through what you went through and you would want her to have a normal life and do you really want to be worried about that for the rest of your life?

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MikeH90

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

I know you love him but that life you are bringing into the world shouldbe your top priority,over everything,even your love for him.I would never let my baby girl around him alone,ever.Most molesters start out "just looking" but it usually turns into something more than that.I know you certainly don't want your daughter to go through what you went through and you would want her to have a normal life and do you really want to be worried about that for the rest of your life?

just to play devils advocate here, not saying its right or not - but the baby is also HIS - its just not hers and as a father he has rights. Remember he hasn't been charged guility of anything yet accept looking.

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Willa Weintraub

replied on May 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

MikeH90 wrote:

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

I know you love him but that life you are bringing into the world shouldbe your top priority,over everything,even your love for him.I would never let my baby girl around him alone,ever.Most molesters start out "just looking" but it usually turns into something more than that.I know you certainly don't want your daughter to go through what you went through and you would want her to have a normal life and do you really want to be worried about that for the rest of your life?

just to play devils advocate here, not saying its right or not - but the baby is also HIS - its just not hers and as a father he has rights. Remember he hasn't been charged guility of anything yet accept looking.

I know but so many child molesters run around because "they havn't commited a crime yet" but then one day your watching tv and you see them on dateline nbc.people like that are sick in the head.Yes it is his daughter and he sound be able to see his daughter but I think it should be supervised and he should not be left alone with her.i'm not tryingt o be negative but this kind of thing is nothing to mess around with.

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HcoBrunette06

replied on May 1st, 2007

Especially eHealthy

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

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MikeH90

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

HcoBrunette06 wrote:

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

I could live with that. Provided that the wife is planning on divorcing him. She still seems up in the air as to what to do though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem seem pretty good.

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Willa Weintraub

replied on May 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

MikeH90 wrote:

HcoBrunette06 wrote:

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

I could live with that. Provided that the wife is planning on divorcing him. She still seems up in the air as to what to do though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem seem pretty good.

I know right!? this is a thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to do it but she has to do the right thing for her unborn child, ya know?

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MikeH90

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

MikeH90 wrote:

HcoBrunette06 wrote:

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

I could live with that. Provided that the wife is planning on divorcing him. She still seems up in the air as to what to do though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem seem pretty good.

I know right!? this is a thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to do it but she has to do the right thing for her unborn child, ya know?

Like I posted before, they both need counseling, alone and then eventually together IF she decides to stick it out.

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Willa Weintraub

replied on May 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

MikeH90 wrote:

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

MikeH90 wrote:

HcoBrunette06 wrote:

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

I could live with that. Provided that the wife is planning on divorcing him. She still seems up in the air as to what to do though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem seem pretty good.

I know right!? this is a thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to do it but she has to do the right thing for her unborn child, ya know?

not being nasty,but why does she need counceling?so she understands more about it or what?

Like I posted before, they both need counseling, alone and then eventually together IF she decides to stick it out.

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MikeH90

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

MikeH90 wrote:

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

MikeH90 wrote:

HcoBrunette06 wrote:

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

I could live with that. Provided that the wife is planning on divorcing him. She still seems up in the air as to what to do though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem seem pretty good.

I know right!? this is a thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to do it but she has to do the right thing for her unborn child, ya know?

not being nasty,but why does she need counceling?so she understands more about it or what?

Like I posted before, they both need counseling, alone and then eventually together IF she decides to stick it out.

she needs to be able to talk to someone (besides him) as to what options she has. Does she stay with him? Does she file for divorce, can she then keep him away just because of what he told her or does she need evidence? How about counseling to help her deal with her feelings? This has to be devastating to her. They should be celebrating the birth of their child and now she is dealing with a pedophile for a husband. I'm sure she is feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. She thought she knew this man and turns out she doesn't. Talking to someone without any emotional ties will help.

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Willa Weintraub

replied on May 1st, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

MikeH90 wrote:

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

MikeH90 wrote:

~*~Melissa~*~ wrote:

MikeH90 wrote:

HcoBrunette06 wrote:

yeah but whos to say that he won't look at his daughter when she gets to be that age, you don't know this man and what goes through his mind, obviously none of us do but the fact that he's looking things like that up online shows that he has those kinds of thoughts.
he has rights but i think the rights that he should have are supervised visitation only.

I could live with that. Provided that the wife is planning on divorcing him. She still seems up in the air as to what to do though. Glad it ain't me. Makes my problem seem pretty good.

I know right!? this is a thin like to walk and i'm sorry she has to do it but she has to do the right thing for her unborn child, ya know?

not being nasty,but why does she need counceling?so she understands more about it or what?

Like I posted before, they both need counseling, alone and then eventually together IF she decides to stick it out.

she needs to be able to talk to someone (besides him) as to what options she has. Does she stay with him? Does she file for divorce, can she then keep him away just because of what he told her or does she need evidence? How about counseling to help her deal with her feelings? This has to be devastating to her. They should be celebrating the birth of their child and now she is dealing with a pedophile for a husband. I'm sure she is feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. She thought she knew this man and turns out she doesn't. Talking to someone without any emotional ties will help.

true true! alright I see where your coming from!

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miasmamma

replied on May 1st, 2007

Experienced User

I hope that talking to an outside source will help her. But she still runs the risk of having her husband revert back to his old ways. He stopped once and nothing stopped him from starting all over again. So whats to say that he won't stop once the child is the age that he prefers. People get locked up for looking at children the way he does. And she does have proof everything that he does on line is recorded. It's not about him and her anymore. It's not about their relationship, it's not about it being his child anymore, it's not about two adults, its about the life that she is carrying and about to have in a few short months. yeah...maybe he doesn't like children under the age of 12, but what happens when she turns 12? and her little friends come over? what happens to them? The wife knows about this and if she stays with him...i hope that if anything ever happens to that little girl that she is also held responsible, because she knew about her husband's problem and still stayed with him. he has admitted that he has had this problem before and knew that it was bad that he even felt sick for doing it...what does that tell you? that he knows it's wrong...but chose to do it anyway. so what is going to stop him from touching the child or even taking pictures of her in that way?

I am sorry dear...but this isn't a first sign of trouble if he had admitted to starting this at the age of 13...Please take your baby and run. Please.

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