I don’t know how to start this, so I’ll just go into it. I’ve been sexually active for about a year and all with the same guy other than once. We weren’t together for that one time, and it was somewhat recent. At first, with my guy, everything seamed normal because he liked the same things I did. We took our time and explored those things carefully, because we don’t so much believe in sex before marriage as we did not having sex until you were certain in heart and mind that you’d always be with that person.

No doubts, or no sex.

So we only explored the other things slowly. I didn’t know at the time how weird those things were to everyone else, or even the names of them. We’d always be careful and never hurt each other or do anything that could be harmful to each others health. But they were like beltings, or he’d kiss me and hold my nose so that I couldn’t breathe for a small bit of time, scratching until one of us bleed, or we’d pin each other down even if that’s all we were doing besides kissing and biting. We did a few more normal things, but we’d never be satisfied if teeth weren’t involved. Even in areas most people think are too sensitive.

I was never the person to talk about sex other than knowing how the reproductive system worked. So I didn’t know it was abnormal.

But after we broke up, and I got over it, one of my friends and her boyfriend got a bit sexual with me. It wasn’t too far again, because they knew I didn’t want any penetration, but as they focused on me and I’d ask for teeth and things they complied. But that continued for a while.. it didn’t really bother me. I wouldn’t have done it had it.

They thought it was strange too that I couldn’t orgasm no matter how far or much they teased and did these things to me. No matter what they did or focused on. But I always get kind of.. violent the more I get aroused. They thought it would end if I just orgasm, so they kept going. As they went further into my pleasures, the girl was scared away. I don’t know why I get this way, but I kicked their love seat’s arm rest until it broke; I’ve always needed something to hit or kick when I get that bad.

Anyways, after that they put the belts and everything away and by that time I had scared everyone away but the guy. (They had friends over and were watching.. it was a turn on for me.. and I have no problem being nude at any time so it didn’t bother me at all) I didn’t know I was so scary. The guy wouldn’t even sit next to me until I calmed down the rest of the way. And even that took a half hour before I could even think enough to hold a conversation.

I didn’t know I was scary.


Is there any chance I can find someone that is like me, who likes me too?

Everyone tries to figure out if it’s opposites or similarities that bring people together.. but it’s not. It’s complements, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever find someone who isn’t afraid of me.

And I don’t want to change. ... I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t want to lay there just because I can’t feel and don’t like the gentle stuff.


I’m afraid.