My wife and I are both 22 and we are both
virgins. We've been married about two
weeks and we are still unable to have sex.
I would like to preface this topic by
stating that this does not bother me.
Maybe it's only because I haven't had sex
yet and I "don't know what I'm missing"
but I really couldn't care less if we had
sex or not. What bothers me is that my
wife does want to have sex, but we are
just unable to do so and I am willing to
do anything to make her happy.
There are several aspects to our problem
that make it, well, unique. I don't mean
to brag, but from what I have read, heard,
and been told I am at the larger end of
the spectrum in regards to men and she is
at the smaller end of the spectrum for
women. While she is a good 5'6"; she finds
that her vagina is rather small and
extremely sensitive. She had her first pap
smear about a month ago and the experience
was painful for her. She also finds direct
contact with her hymen, in any form,
painful - painful to the point where she
wants to stop and cry. There is also
further complications due to a traumatic
event in her youth that makes her feel
guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed whenever
she finds herself in any form of sexual
context (she has seen help for this in the
very recent past, but for the last couple
months we haven't had the time or money).
So while starting up usually isn't the
problem, once anything painful happens her
emotions flip-flop so horribly bad that
she gets the feeling that I am violating
her (she tells me she knows I am not, but
I can see what she is feeling in her eyes
and I always stop).
We, both being rather shy especially on
the subject, had taken, rather
reluctantly, the advice of family members,
friends, and doctors and had tried to take
several precautions. We've tried
lubricants (particularly of the KY
variety) and have tried several positions
but nothing seems to work. On about the
third night of our honeymoon she conveyed
that she didn't care about the pain and
wanted to get it over with all at once.
She bore the pain and I was able to
penetrate with my crown but nothing
further before it was too much for her. At
the time we thought we had made progress,
due to actual penetration, but since then
once again any contact with that area
causes extreme pain for her and I am
unable to reach similar results. It also
seems as if the hymen is still partially
intact, although smaller than before.
So now that, more or less, the problem is
out I need help with what I can do to help
her get through this. We've found that on
her back is the best way and with her legs
slightly elevated and brought up, almost
to a slouching position, is the most
comfortable and easiest way to go (at
least for her which is what's important).
I just need helps or suggestions on how to
get past this. Are there better positions?
Techniques? (I am a bit embarrassed to
admit this, but remember I am a virgin)
proper angles of penetration? Perhaps
suggestions that one wouldn't think of? I
have thrown out the idea of having a drink
or two with dinner to help dull her nerves
and pain but she is completely against
this. Her doctors have told her she was
fine physically down there so it sounds
like it's just something we have to get
through on our own.
That sounds like what she has from what
you described. People with vaginismus
usually do well with therapy. If you
cannot afford the therapy at this point,
perhaps a support group would help.
That way, she would be able to hear
stories about how other women dealt with
it.
Keep in mind that this is psychological.
Vagina size does not vary nearly as much
as penis size does, so chances are when
she overcomes the psychological barrier,
her vagina will be plenty large enough to
accommodate you providing you do not have
a ten inch penis or anything of that sort.
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Regret
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Apr 2007 Posts: 2
Vaginismus Posted: 04-30-07 13:26pm
Interesting. Vaginismus does sound very
much like what she has. When she had her
Pap smear her doctor could tell she was
apprehensive and had trouble taking the
test. My wife also doesn't like using
tampons for the same reason. This is
definitely something we are going to look
into. Thank you.
Now on one of the links you gave it says
there are at home exercises that the
partners do together to help her become
more relaxed and comfortable with
'encounters'. Do you (or anyone else for
that mater) know where I can find more
information on the exercises or other
activities, etc that we can do? I think we
are going to have to bring this topic up
when she gets back into therapy and see if
they can suggest a doctor who would be
knowledgeable on this subject.
Thank you.
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Llewellyn
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Jan 2007 Posts: 1743 Location: NY
Posted: 04-30-07 14:46pm
I do not know too much about the treatment
itself. You can try looking at this
website:
It might give you some information. It
has a lot of links on the side and the
bottom about treatment.
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Lion79
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 29 Mar 2007 Posts: 303 Location: Sunderland, UK
Thanks: 2
Thanked:5
Posted: 04-30-07 17:38pm
Hey, I have vaginismus and I experience
pain everytime I have sex, although not as
severely as your wife. I feel I should say
that you sound like an understanding guy,
and it's great that you're ready to stick
by her and support her all the way. That
will help a lot.
Definitely look into getting therapy if
you can, and a support group mentioned
earlier might be a good idea too. It helps
to talk about it and to know that other
people are having similar experiences.
Good luck!
