I have masturbated since I was 12 years old and I am beside myself with worry because of the terrible things that masturbation has done to my body over the past 40 years:
My hair has started to go thin!
My skin has started to dry out slightly and get a bit more wrinkly!
I have put on 70 pounds in weight since I was twelve!
I have put on 12 inches around my waist!
I don't enjoy Walt Disney now as much as I used to!
Worst of all it has affected the colour of my hair - gone a sort of whitish grey!!
I have to wait until 11.00 0'clock before I go to bed!
All this because I masturbate...It has to be doing me harm because it feels lovely, relaxes me, lowers my blood pressure and I can't get any STDs.
Now, where is that fatty snack I started? I'll wash it down with a glass of whisky then have my 41st cigarette of the day.