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Can It Get Any Worse?? --- Long Ranting...

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In the past few months my BF of 2 yrs, has repeatedly asked me to get help. But being me, the person who thinks I can fix everything and do everything myself, suddenly found herself sitting in the doc's office crying like a baby 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with severe depression, have been taken off of work, and am now on antidepressants. I am an alcoholic, and I also do cocaine occasionally.

I've been in and out of dark thoughts all the past month. Last Friday I went out and got home at 6:00am, Sat morning. My BF left me that morning. Since then the nightmare has gotten worse.

I finally decided to use the referral for a psych, the doc gave me, but wouldn't you know it he's not taking any more patients! In complete desperate need of help I had spent all of Monday morning on the phone trying to get myself some help. I waited all day for someone to call. Nothing......

Tuesday I tried again. Got hold of an info line, and had an appointment with a social worker on Wednesday. She was very kind and it clicked between us. She decided I would be her patient, she would guide me in the right places. BUT, today she called to tell me that I don't live in the right district of the clinic, and now she has to transfer my file to someone else at another clinic!!!

I am so going insane! In between all this, BF is keeping in touch with me, he said that he had to leave so I could take care of myself. I was dragging him down in all this, he is a suicide survivor btw. So I can just imagine what I must have put him through.

Sorry for it being so long, but it sure feels good to get some frustration out! Razz
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replied April 28th, 2007
hi

yea a few years ago my gf of 5 years and i had some major relationship problems and it resulted in me practically separating myself from school, friends.. well everything. Got to the point where i nearly commited sucide but "luckily" i didnt know how to use the safety and was too high to figure how the damn thing worked. After that and in a desparate attempt to fix things for myself i called the sucide helpline, talked to a nice person and like you, the lady was going to get me professional help but turns out i wasnt in the right city or whatever for her to help me personally and tranfered me to some other place. I just hung up and pretty much tried to take things on my own believing, like you, i can take on anything if i applied myself.

Its been 2 years and i guess im feeling where you are now (minus the heavy drinking and cocaine) and well.. thats why im here ^^;. I have no right to give you advice ,but all i can say is that your not alone. Just count yourself lucky that you have a bf (or just friend now?) thats keeping in touch with you.
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replied April 28th, 2007
Experienced User
Hi Mikamia,
I felt compelled to reply to your post. you can rant and rave as much as you'd like to me. I'm here for you hon.
I've been in your shoes in my past and understand the complications depression and doing drugs can do to us.

it's not your fault. remember this. it's genetics.
sometimes it takes years to get your life back and stablized.
it all depends if you fight it or not.
I myself fought it for years. I too am very stubborn and felt I could do it my way. my 24 yr old daughter thinks she can too. she's an alcoholic, has done crack in the past, heroin, cocaine, you name it.
finally after years of not seeking help she finally found a place when she got assistance from the state. we live in New York State.
if you don't have medical here, you're screwed.
and for some reason the health system doesn't or didn't treat mental illness as a phsycial disease and treated it seperate for so many years.
but things are changing slowly and they're realizing how debilitating mental health issues can effect people on their jobs, their personal lives, their family lives, etc.
without our mental health being balanced, there will be constant drama in our lives and even suicide if not treated.
I found thru my own experiences that doing drugs only made my depression worst. I wound up becoming addicted to heroin from just snorting it. I finally went for help 8 years ago and have been clean ever since. I am seeing a therapist once a week and a psychiatirst who prescribed me the necessary medication to treat my illness.
I am diagnosed with a mood disorder and general anxiety disorder which is a real metabolical illness.
it's no joke and people who've never suffered depression or anxiety or drugs, simply don't understand the condition.
people who are directly effected with a person such as a family member or loved one suffers the illlness right along with the patient.
the loved ones have to do research and learn just as much about the illness as the person who has it does.
walking away from a person who has a mental illness doesn't help the person at all.
if my man ever did that to me, I wouldnt' be where I am now.
he had pateince and understanding with me and he says he see's a huge improvment in my behavior.
I didn't realize that anger comes directly from being depressed.
I have an anger problem and am told I"m angry at the world and would fight it if I could. my therapist told me this.
on the outside I look bright and cheery, but inside i was slowely dying.
I even attempted suicide myself 8 yrs ago. I now feel I went thru that experience to learn from it and I'm greatful I didn't die.
I want to live and by wanting to live is what gave me the courage to get the necessary help I needed. I"m glad I got on medicaiton and glad I went for therapy.
I hope you too find the balance you need in order to be happy and survive in this world.
if you need to talk, I am here for you.
I too made many phone calls one time and noone was there to help me.
there is a crisis team that a local hospital set up for the surrounding counties for people just like us who need critical care.
you just call them and tell them you feel like dying and they come right to your home. then once evaluated, they bring you to their hospital and get you help.
thank God for this group. they must have saved many many lives.

you are special and deserve to be happy. you're here for a reason and maybe havent' found out why yet, but you will. I promise you this.

sincerely and with all my heart,
Linda
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replied May 2nd, 2007
Thank you to both of you for your encouraging posts. Linda, your post was like a personal letter. It touched me very much. I too suffer from a mood disorder and anxiety, as well as carrying around a feeling of anger towards the world. And just like you, on the outside I look bright and cheery, but inside I feel like I'm slowly dying.

I am still waiting for that phone call from the social worker at the other clinic. However, I am feeling a little bit better than last week, not as depressed and upset, but I still think that I should consult someone soon before it's too late and I feel I don't need to see anybody abt my problems.

It has been 12 days that I haven't had a drink or done coke. I have to admit that the not having a drink part is really hard. It pops into my head once and a while, but I'm not giving in!

On Saturday night my BF called and asked if he could come over. I said yes. I was a total nervous wreck! I was pacing back and forth, kept looking at the clock, thinking that minutes had gone by, but it was only seconds. I kept thinking, am I ready to see him?? Well when he arrived my knees buckled and my heart skipped a beat. I kept telling myself, stay calm, keep your cool......

We began watching a movie, but never saw the end of it. We were both emotionally drained from our week and we ended up talking and crying. He has gone into therapy for codependent relationships, I think that's what it's called in english. In french it's called dependance affective.

He's been back since Saturday and I have to say that things are different between us. I don't think that either one of us is "trying our best", it's a very honest and comfortable feeling, something that we've always shared together. Except for the past few months it was nolonger there. So slowly I'm on the road to recovery.... a bumpy little ride, but I know I'll make it!
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