I am not here out of self-pitty, or at
least I hope not. Just looking for some
understanding. I thank anyone who
continues reading.
I can never remember being happy. I was
brought up in a "christian" home. They
tried to brainwash me at a young age with
religous caca. I was a gymnast when I was
little. I was always a chubby kid. I saw
that the other gymnast that were better
were thin. The first time I made myself
throw up I was 7 years old. My mom found
out and I never did it again for a long
time. My mom was going through a hard time
when I was younger and was new to being a
mom. I remember her cussing and throwing
things at me at a very young age. I never
had any friends in school. I always felt
out of place. I was always the sweet
little doormat that let everyone run all
over me. I finally made a best friend when
I was about 9 or 10. We stayed best
friends for about 3 years. When I turned
12 we started to drift. I was still in
gynastics at this time. I went to a
gymnastics camp in Alabama that summer. I
saw all the thin girls around me. I
started to skip breakfast and lunch for
that whole week. When I came back from
camp I had lost a little weight. This
russian coach praised me and told me I
look more graceful. And thats when 5 years
of anorexia and bulimia started. I also
found out that my dad had parkinsons
disease.
I was always made fun of alot in grade
school. But when I got in to junior high
and I was thinner, I suddenly had friends.
I made a new best friend that year. That
was the best year of my life.
My 8th grade year we went through some
money problems, waiting on my dads
disability to be approved, and went 3
months without electricity. This is when
my depression started. We moved that
summer out of state thinking we were going
to get our full disability and also the
money from selling our house. We lived in
an apartment for about 4 months. Around
christmas we found out that MetLife had
cancelled our disablility and also taken
the money we were going to get from our
house(and what furniture was left). We
moved up state where we have family. We
lived in a hotel room for 3 months. All
four of us. Right after that, the
grandmother I never knew died. We finally
got into the place that we are still
living at now. It is a tiny resort thing.
During this time is where my eating
disorders got worse. By 2006 I was 98
pounds.
I had a suicide attempt that school year.
I also dropped out due to my problems.
For the past year I have basically had no
life. Nothing seems real anymore. I did
recover myself from my eating disorders
but I am now overweight and even more
miserable.
I am ashamed of this world, especially the
US. I can't stand this government. I see
past all the distractions and control
mechinisms. Everything we know is a lie.
We built everything on a lie. Media, TV,
hollywood, fashion, mass marketing, the
FDA, Anti-depressants, artificial stuff in
our food, weightloss products, etc.
Control mechinisms.
I can't stand to see this narrow-minded
idiots. That have no concept of anything.
Who are obessed with sex and materialistic
caca. I can't even see them as human. I
hate society.
homicide is condemned but war is condoned.
People used as human resources. I don't
understand it.
There are people hurting and dying
everywhere and theres nothing I can do
about it. We are all just a part of the
crowd that will inevitably die. Just a
part of the species. A mixture of energy
cells and DNA. Left to wonder this planet
in choas and confusion.
But ontop of all that, I can't even help
myself. I am a complete failure. A fat and
ugly failure. I am a highschool dropout
who doesn't do anything but sleep all day.
I feel too ugly and fat to leave my house.
and I DO NOT HAVE EATING DISORDERS
ANYMORE. BUT I AM OVERWEIGHT NOW. and I
hate it.
I guess that is all I have to say for now.
Thanks to anyone who wasted time reading
this.
