I am not here out of self-pitty, or at least I hope not. Just looking for some understanding. I thank anyone who continues reading.

I can never remember being happy. I was brought up in a "christian" home. They tried to brainwash me at a young age with religous caca. I was a gymnast when I was little. I was always a chubby kid. I saw that the other gymnast that were better were thin. The first time I made myself throw up I was 7 years old. My mom found out and I never did it again for a long time. My mom was going through a hard time when I was younger and was new to being a mom. I remember her cussing and throwing things at me at a very young age. I never had any friends in school. I always felt out of place. I was always the sweet little doormat that let everyone run all over me. I finally made a best friend when I was about 9 or 10. We stayed best friends for about 3 years. When I turned 12 we started to drift. I was still in gynastics at this time. I went to a gymnastics camp in Alabama that summer. I saw all the thin girls around me. I started to skip breakfast and lunch for that whole week. When I came back from camp I had lost a little weight. This russian coach praised me and told me I look more graceful. And thats when 5 years of anorexia and bulimia started. I also found out that my dad had parkinsons disease.

I was always made fun of alot in grade school. But when I got in to junior high and I was thinner, I suddenly had friends. I made a new best friend that year. That was the best year of my life.

My 8th grade year we went through some money problems, waiting on my dads disability to be approved, and went 3 months without electricity. This is when my depression started. We moved that summer out of state thinking we were going to get our full disability and also the money from selling our house. We lived in an apartment for about 4 months. Around christmas we found out that MetLife had cancelled our disablility and also taken the money we were going to get from our house(and what furniture was left). We moved up state where we have family. We lived in a hotel room for 3 months. All four of us. Right after that, the grandmother I never knew died. We finally got into the place that we are still living at now. It is a tiny resort thing. During this time is where my eating disorders got worse. By 2006 I was 98 pounds.

I had a suicide attempt that school year. I also dropped out due to my problems.

For the past year I have basically had no life. Nothing seems real anymore. I did recover myself from my eating disorders but I am now overweight and even more miserable.

I am ashamed of this world, especially the US. I can't stand this government. I see past all the distractions and control mechinisms. Everything we know is a lie. We built everything on a lie. Media, TV, hollywood, fashion, mass marketing, the FDA, Anti-depressants, artificial stuff in our food, weightloss products, etc. Control mechinisms.

I can't stand to see this narrow-minded idiots. That have no concept of anything. Who are obessed with sex and materialistic caca. I can't even see them as human. I hate society.

homicide is condemned but war is condoned. People used as human resources. I don't understand it.

There are people hurting and dying everywhere and theres nothing I can do about it. We are all just a part of the crowd that will inevitably die. Just a part of the species. A mixture of energy cells and DNA. Left to wonder this planet in choas and confusion.

But ontop of all that, I can't even help myself. I am a complete failure. A fat and ugly failure. I am a highschool dropout who doesn't do anything but sleep all day. I feel too ugly and fat to leave my house. and I DO NOT HAVE EATING DISORDERS ANYMORE. BUT I AM OVERWEIGHT NOW. and I hate it.

I guess that is all I have to say for now. Thanks to anyone who wasted time reading this.