Sexual Abuse And Depression Posted: 08-29-03 06:33am
I am about 6 weeks pregnant and suffering
from major depression, brought on by post
traumatic stress disorder. I only found
only about a week ago that I was pregnant,
but it feels as though time is standing
still; and as if I am taken back to a time
in my life that was not so safe. This is
my second pregnancy. The first one was
difficult with all the weird body changes
signaling some painful body memories.
This pregnancy is on a whole different
level! I am considered in a state of
crisis and rapidly I feel myself
deteriating. Before both pregnancies I
went through intense couseling from the
time I was 19 to about 29. I thought I
had dealt with the painful memories of my
fahter and uncle doing horrific and
unmentionable things to me as an innocent
child. I am in touch with a therapist
and my husband and I have seen her four
times already this week. I am frigtened
and sleep-deprived. I am also
considering an abortion due to the
intensity of the remembering and the sleep
deprivation. I feel I will be a terrible
mom to my 2 1/2 yr old if I can't get my
act together. There is however, one
thing I know for sure: I am lucky to have
an understanding huband and in some ways,
maybe I have broken the "cycle of abuse"
. I would appreciate any feedback with
anyone who has been abused as a chld or
not. I need to know that there are
"survivors" out there who can lead happy,
"normal" lives. Thanks.
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cantwait2bmom
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Aug 2003 Posts: 24 Location: Toledo, OH
Be Strong Posted: 08-31-03 10:21am
I'm not sure I can help but I can't stand
it when somebody posts something and
nobody responds to them. It happens to me
often and I think I have vaild posts.
Anyhow, I was not sexually abused as a
child but I was physically and mentally
abused by my father. I had a hard time
trusting any male figure in a
relationship, and anybody else for that
matter. I am now 28 yrs old, happily
married for one year to a wonderful man I
have been with for 9 yrs now, and I am 23
wks pregnant.
I have broken the chain of abuse in
finding a wonderful man in my life, it was
hard, and it still takes a lot of work
each day. You sound like you have found
somebody wonderful too, and it is never
easy. If you already have a 2 1/2 yr old,
you know how stressful motherhood can be.
However, if you're seeking therapy now, I
think you just need moral support from
family, friends, online forums, and most
of all your husband. Know what's
important to you in your life, and that
should be that you are a survivor of abuse
, and that you have broken the chain. You
will be alright. Beth
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stillsurviving
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Posts: 4 Location: Southeast
You Are So Brave-hang In There! Posted: 09-30-03 12:27pm
I also experienced sexual abuse in my
childhood by more than one perpetrator and
I am still coping/recovering/surviving. I
say that because i'm 32 and recently
decided (again) not to pursue motherhood
because i'm too afraid. I used to be
afraid i'd be horrible at it, but then I
noticed it didn't seem to stop anyone else
and noboody's perfect. With all the
problems and issues i've had with my
mother I now know that she was just doing
the best she had with what she had at the
time. But I started baby-sitting on the
side a few months ago as "mommy-practice"
and I absolutely loved it until I had a
very bad trigger one day and I just
couldn't deal with the sexual feelings
that suddenly came up while I was with the
kids. This had never happened to me
before but I kept feeling it over and over
again for a week and it was like being
right back where I started all over again.
I've been in therapy off and on for 8
years and my therapists insists that this
is part of the process and she doesn't
think i'm capable of becoming a
perpetrator (which is my biggest fear and
why I bailed on motherhood) and that i'd
make a great mother blah-blah-blah. I
have a hard time believing all that but
you are my new hero -second pregnancy!
Whew! There's hope after all I suppose.
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BabyPassion
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Sep 2003 Posts: 94 Location: Bronx, NY
I'm Getting Personal Now..... Posted: 09-30-03 19:01pm
If you girl don't know me by know i'm
maria, 19, I go by passion. I'm going to
get personal now. So please be kind, I
know that won't be a problem for you
girls. I also have been sexually abused
when I was younger. I never told anyone,
and I mean never. So this is my first
time talking about. It all started when I
was in the first grade. I just moved to
florida with my sister. It was one of my
sister's boyfriend's friends who abused
me. He use to touch me and this other
little girl I know. He made us touch each
other as well. In the school I went to,
the other kids use to 'play' with each
other in the bathrooms. I wasn't suppose
to tell. They said they would say I was
lying. When we moved back to ny my sister
put me in therapy. She noticed that I was
acting weird. For years I was in therapy
and I never told them. Like one of the
other girls said, I got these feeling that
I didn't like and I didn't know how to
deal with it. I thought it was dirty and
if they found out,they would think I was
dirty. By the time10 I went to go live
with my brother and he was into drugs....
He had tried to hit on me, but when I
realized what he was doing I went to the
kitchen and got a knife and sat there on
the floor and waited....I guess he
realized what he was doing and locked
himself in his room. I was so scared.
When I was 11 I never kissed a boy.....
One day my friends had dared my to kiss
this much older boy I went to school with
he was like 16.....I was so scared I kept
thinking about all the times that guy was
kissing on me.....But I did kiss that
older boy in school. When that happened I
changed I started to kiss alot of boys.
My first boyfriend.. Use to touch me all
over and he use to hit on me....When I
told one of the older ladies that lived on
my block that knew him all she had to say
was that 'thats the way he shows you that
he likes you'. So from that day on thats
what I thought was my way of showing guys
that I liked them....By the time I was in
the 7th grade two boys I went to school
with tried to drug me with some over the
counter drugs and rape me.. But I fought
them off and ran.....When I was 14 I lost
me virginity to a 19year old guy who
didn't even speak english well. He use to
tell me that he really loved me and that I
should show him that I loved him too. My
sister didn't want me to be around him
because he sold drugs.. I was so mad that
I had sex with him..I lost my virginity in
a bathroom of a group home, isn't that
special....I didn't even really like
him......I use to make me do thing I
really didn't like or even know how to do.
After that I went to high school and met
alot of guys that I liked.....And I
thought that if I had sex with them they
would like me to... I would sleep with a
guy on the first date....Even before the
first date.... I didn't feel right but I
still did it...... I know this guy who
use to take me home sometime.....He had a
big crush on me. He was about 24 and I
was 16......I use to tell me that I need
to stop talking to all this guys......One
day, matter a fact it was 4 of july..I
guess he was drunk I needed a ride home
and called him... He came to get me
.....We were driving and he pulled
over....He had done that before ... So I
wasn't really worried......He asked me to
get out of the car so I can check the
tire... When I got out he pinned to the
car .......Then he push me into the back
seat..... He pulled down my pants and
tried to rape me.....I didn't know what to
do... I was so scared......I know he had
a daughter and all I said was 'think of
your daughter and what if someone was
doing this to her....You are going to
jail.....I swear.' I guess he did think
about it because he stopped. I got up and
ran, with my pants down....I ran and
ran.....At that time I had a boyfriend...
I told him what had happened and he
didn't believe me....I felt so bad....I
was like medical question it.....I know no
one would believe me if he didn't......We
broke up after that and that is when I met
my husband......We started to talk and I
really liked him.....I though myself all
over him but he didn't do anything.....At
that moment I know that I didn't have to
sleep around to show someone that I liked
them.....I got pregnant by him and I
thought he was going to leave me....I
didn't think I would have been a good
mother.....He didn't leave my as you know
we had our son....And it turned out that
i'm a very good mother....Now i'm have
another one on her way and we are very
excited......I think about all the stuff
that happened to my and I pray that my son
doesn't turn out like does men I dealt
with....And I pray that none of this stuff
happeneds to my daughter......I know it
hard and you never will forget what
happens to you... But we all need to move
on. If we don't we are give our abusers
what they want, 'us to be unhappy'. And I
know that my children make me so happy.
So please don't give up your baby because
of the intensity of the memorys just
think of your children as a defeat against
that awful man. I know we don't have the
same stories but I hoped mine helped
you.....I will keep you in me
prays........You all have read this very
personal story of my life please don't
judge me.....You are the first to
know....I am a survivor
passion
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stillsurviving
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Posts: 4 Location: Southeast
Y'all Are Amazing Posted: 09-30-03 21:19pm
That was awesome of you passion, believe
me, I know where you're coming from -no
judgements at all. I remember being in
this place where there was all kinds of
sexual stuff going on and I didn't even
realize until later that it was all before
I turned 13. No matter how emotinally
felt about it, it physically felt good so
I did it. I'm amazed that any of us ever
make it to a healthy relationship of any
kind. Congratulations on your wonderful
family, all of you. This is working
wonders for me, I hope it's helpful for
someone else out there too.
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BabyPassion
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Sep 2003 Posts: 94 Location: Bronx, NY
Posted: 09-30-03 21:36pm
Thank you very much...... I hope this
helps others out as well.....
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sparklypixie12
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2003 Posts: 3099
Posted: 10-07-03 08:27am
Shshs
Last edited by sparklypixie12 on 10-24-03 11:07am; edited 1 time in total
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BabyPassion
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Sep 2003 Posts: 94 Location: Bronx, NY
Posted: 10-07-03 08:55am
Thank you, I did have it hard, but I know
there are people out there who had it
worse.....We are all survivors.....I just
wanted to say that what you(sparklypixies)
want though is a big thing as while....No
one should be scared of someone hurting
them... Its a cruel world out
there....But people like us,who made it
though, give hope to those who haven't yet
pass that stage of there live....Keep your
head up you will survive
passion
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sparklypixie12
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 Sep 2003 Posts: 3099
Posted: 10-07-03 09:40am
Thank u and god bless
liz x
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searching for peace
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Oct 2003 Posts: 1
Posted: 10-09-03 00:31am
Ummm, okay here goes. I too am a victim
of sexual abuse. It happened when I was
six, at the hands of an older cousin. Am
I a survivor of that abuse? I truly
don't know yet. Untill I moved away from
home last year, I had been able to
sucessfully repress the pain and shame.
Yet in my later highschool years I had
devoloped social anxiety, panic attacks, a
phobia of calling people on the telephone,
horrible nightmares etc. When I moved
from my parents farm to a city, the world
brought my carefully constructed wall of
denial crashing down around me. I
couldn't have normal relationships with
the guys I met because to me sex is wrong,
and dirty. Anyway, everything got worse
untill I finally moved back home. The
problem is my parents. They know about
the abuse and were very supportive, except
they don't know how much it still affects
me. I told them I was moving home
because I hated my job. They want me to
hurry and find another job so I can move
back to town, but the prosepect of having
to deal with all this stuff again... I
have considered thearapy, but #1) I can't
find it in my heart to burden my parents
or friends with this... To let them know
how much pain i'm in. (i hide it behind a
good sence of humor). Which leads to #2)
I know they( my parents) can't afford to
put me in councelling. I don't mean that
it's just a lot of money but that they
really and truly don't have it. So here
I am drowing in this, and I won't take
anyones hand for fear that i'll pull them
in.
I just don't know who to turn to
i dread going back to town, but I dread
becoming an agoraphibic too.
I just thought maybe someone who's been
through this maybe has some advice.
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BabyPassion
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Sep 2003 Posts: 94 Location: Bronx, NY
Posted: 10-09-03 07:39am
Sweetie,
everything is going to be okay. I think
you should talk to someone close about
this. Dont worry about it being barren on
them, they love you and they are there for
you...You can always call a hotline....
1-800-838-8238...Maybe they can
help.....As you know I never told anybody
about my situation and and I give you a
hands up for telling you parents......You
and I dealt with it in to different ways
so I really don't know how to explain
myself to you.....I do know how you
feeling....As for guys not all are
bad...You will find the right one at the
right time!!!! If you need to talk you
can email me
passion
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stillsurviving
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Posts: 4 Location: Southeast
There Is Help Out There Posted: 10-09-03 14:49pm
Searching for peace,
i know counseling is expensive if you
don't have health insurance there's no way
I could do it without it. But I don't
think i'd be alive today if it weren't for
therapy. A few years ago the ywca in my
city offered free and reduced-cost
services for women that have been raped or
abused in other ways; that may be
available where you are, too. There was
also a counseling center connected to the
university here that charged on a sliding
scale. This was a great and really hard
step for you, just don't give up and get
help soon, you are surviving as long as
you're here.
