Can't Get Over With My Girlfriend's Past (Page 1)
Relationships and Marriage
It has been bothering me for so long. It has caused me sleepless nights. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 9 months already and everything seems to be right. Not until i found out about her sexual pasts. This has caused me tremendous pain. I'm not sure about how I feel. I don't know if I'm just jealous or insecure with her past. I'm no angel saying that I haven't had sex with girls before I knew her. But just the thought of her having sexual partners before me pains me alot. She has had 3 sexual partners before me. Her first experience was with a man she thought loves her. After doing the act, she found out he has found a woman. This is according to her testimonies to me. And I do believe her. The second one, i must say, is legit because she was her boyfriend. He was his constant sexual partner. However, I was shocked when she told me she had sex with another man whom she's inlove with alhtough she was still in a relationship. I asked her why she has done such horrendous act. She said that the guy said he was still a virgin and wants to try sex. And my girlfriend stupidly obliges. And now I'm the fourth. I ain't got any grudges or problems during the first few stages in a relationship, but now, I think it got its toll on me. I don't even know how to react. I can't still figure out why I'm feeling this way. I have read a lot of things in the interenet talking about the same problem as i am. I have read some advice but nothng seemed to work. Everything for me are cliche answers - that past is past, that if you love your girlfriend you should accept everything before you knew her, that everybody has the right to past, etc. And one more thing, what really bothers me alot is I get recurring thoughts, and I obsess alot about them. I think of my girlfriend having sex with these guys. And I tell you, even the littlest things trigger these obsessive thoughts. I love my girlfriend so much. She's just incomparable with my exes. However, it seem like I have a split personality. At one point, I knew she would be the girl that I'd be spending for the rest of my life. At one end, i think of her as promiscuous and cannot find any reason why such a sweet girl could just easily give up her virginity. Probably she thought the guys then were "it" but she was wrong. I thought to myself that I should be the last and I would never let her be abused by other men. But I still obsess with these thoughts. Please help me out here. I do accept her past because I thank God He had brought her to me and because of her past she has become someone I adore and love. I want concrete answers on how I can manage not to be jealous about her past, how I can accept her shortcomings and bad decision-makings, and how not to obsess with these thoughts. Pls help me out. thanks
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First Helper goddzilaaa
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Re: Can't Get Over With My Girlfriend's Past
| paul995 wrote: |
| It has been bothering me for so long. It has caused me sleepless nights. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 9 months already and everything seems to be right. Not until i found out about her sexual pasts. This has caused me tremendous pain. I'm not sure about how I feel. I don't know if I'm just jealous or insecure with her past. I'm no angel saying that I haven't had sex with girls before I knew her. But just the thought of her having sexual partners before me pains me alot. She has had 3 sexual partners before me. Her first experience was with a man she thought loves her. After doing the act, she found out he has found a woman. This is according to her testimonies to me. And I do believe her. The second one, i must say, is legit because she was her boyfriend. He was his constant sexual partner. However, I was shocked when she told me she had sex with another man whom she's inlove with alhtough she was still in a relationship. I asked her why she has done such horrendous act. She said that the guy said he was still a virgin and wants to try sex. And my girlfriend stupidly obliges. And now I'm the fourth. I ain't got any grudges or problems during the first few stages in a relationship, but now, I think it got its toll on me. I don't even know how to react. I can't still figure out why I'm feeling this way. I have read a lot of things in the interenet talking about the same problem as i am. I have read some advice but nothng seemed to work. Everything for me are cliche answers - that past is past, that if you love your girlfriend you should accept everything before you knew her, that everybody has the right to past, etc. And one more thing, what really bothers me alot is I get recurring thoughts, and I obsess alot about them. I think of my girlfriend having sex with these guys. And I tell you, even the littlest things trigger these obsessive thoughts. I love my girlfriend so much. She's just incomparable with my exes. However, it seem like I have a split personality. At one point, I knew she would be the girl that I'd be spending for the rest of my life. At one end, i think of her as promiscuous and cannot find any reason why such a sweet girl could just easily give up her virginity. Probably she thought the guys then were "it" but she was wrong. I thought to myself that I should be the last and I would never let her be abused by other men. But I still obsess with these thoughts. Please help me out here. I do accept her past because I thank God He had brought her to me and because of her past she has become someone I adore and love. I want concrete answers on how I can manage not to be jealous about her past, how I can accept her shortcomings and bad decision-makings, and how not to obsess with these thoughts. Pls help me out. thanks |
Paul, When you love someone as deeply as you love your GF it is hard not to be jealous. There is nothing you can do about her past except make the present with her harder on both of you if you keep thinking about it. Here is how I would handle it. every time you think about her being with one of those other men. First picture a big read stop sign right in your head. And STOP, Then think of some really nice thing she said or did that touched your heart. After a while the pain will lessen and you will only think of you and her, no one else. I have a feeling you just recently found out about her past and it is haunting you. In time it will not. remember she is with you now. Another good thing to do is DON'T ask question about any of them. It does not matter and it only makes you feel bad. You know all you need to know right now..
Good luck.. remember , yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the fulture that is way today is a present. Or something like that.
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Thanks!
thanks for the advice. although there is really this feeling of you wanting to know more about the details. It's like huting myself. I shouldn't have asked but there's a part of me that wants to know. Probably i should not ask for the past anymore. thanks!
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Ok
I am the opposite. I have only been with one other person and my boyfriend had several sexual partners before me. At first I wanted to know who, when, how many times... what they did... but in the end it just hurt me more. I loved him and the thought of him with someone else tore my heart out which is what you are probably experiencing.
It took me a long time too to get over it I guess. And it is hard to explain but I just came to the realization that no matter what he did in his past he is with me and loves me thats it. I still have thoughts sometimes where I want to know. And sometimes he talks about an ex and I have an urge to ask more questions and I get all crazy obessive for a few days after with my mind playing tricks on me... but in the end it would just bring me more hurt so I don't ask.
I have a question.. are you afraid that she might cheat on you? That might be why the exes bother you so much if you afraid of cheating.
Everyone has a past.. but you need to look to the future...
good luck let me how its going
It took me a long time too to get over it I guess. And it is hard to explain but I just came to the realization that no matter what he did in his past he is with me and loves me thats it. I still have thoughts sometimes where I want to know. And sometimes he talks about an ex and I have an urge to ask more questions and I get all crazy obessive for a few days after with my mind playing tricks on me... but in the end it would just bring me more hurt so I don't ask.
I have a question.. are you afraid that she might cheat on you? That might be why the exes bother you so much if you afraid of cheating.
Everyone has a past.. but you need to look to the future...
good luck let me how its going
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Not Exactly. . .
I'm not really afraid of her cheating on me. She has clarified that it is only me that she loves, and me alone. I do believe her. And trust isn't exactly an issue in our relationship. Just the thought of obsessing makes me feel really down and deeply hurt. She's a very sweet girl and I can't imagine she would just give her body as easy as that. thanks for your advice. You sure do know what I'm going through right now. . .
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Re: Not Exactly. . .
| paul995 wrote: |
| I'm not really afraid of her cheating on me. She has clarified that it is only me that she loves, and me alone. I do believe her. And trust isn't exactly an issue in our relationship. Just the thought of obsessing makes me feel really down and deeply hurt. She's a very sweet girl and I can't imagine she would just give her body as easy as that. thanks for your advice. You sure do know what I'm going through right now. . . |
What about you? Were you so wanton with your body?
Nothing personal; it's just that guys expect girls to be so virginal and pure, yet they can get it on and it doesn't matter. And three partners is hardly promiscuous. Unless she's 13.
On the other hand, you might have some severe self esteem issues. If you are obsessing about her having sex with other guys, it might be more about you than it is about her. Do something about it before it consumes your life and ruins your relationships.
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I Agree
Well said Birch.
I mean we shouldn't just go sleep with anyone and everyone. But if a girl sleeps around they are called "sluts" but on the other hand if a guy sleeps with her or around they are called a "player" and are given a slap on the back.
As for "I just can't believe she would give up her body that easily.." Well first you didn't know her then. Second it was her choice and you can never really honestly know what specifically lead up to what happened.
It may seem like a problem you have with her but really this is a problem you have with yourself. This is a problem that you need to work through. You have to get past this if you want your relationship to work.
Hypothetically speaking.... Have you ever looked back at your sex life? I mean what makes the first or second or whatever girl you sleep with less virtuous than your current girlfriend? Did you love them? If you didn't why did you sleep with them and why is it okay? Did you sleep with your current girlfriend before you fell "in love" with her? Or did you have sex before you exchanged I love you's?.. so what makes what you did any different?
This is all according to your logic. Its only okay to have sex when you are in love.
I mean we shouldn't just go sleep with anyone and everyone. But if a girl sleeps around they are called "sluts" but on the other hand if a guy sleeps with her or around they are called a "player" and are given a slap on the back.
As for "I just can't believe she would give up her body that easily.." Well first you didn't know her then. Second it was her choice and you can never really honestly know what specifically lead up to what happened.
It may seem like a problem you have with her but really this is a problem you have with yourself. This is a problem that you need to work through. You have to get past this if you want your relationship to work.
Hypothetically speaking.... Have you ever looked back at your sex life? I mean what makes the first or second or whatever girl you sleep with less virtuous than your current girlfriend? Did you love them? If you didn't why did you sleep with them and why is it okay? Did you sleep with your current girlfriend before you fell "in love" with her? Or did you have sex before you exchanged I love you's?.. so what makes what you did any different?
This is all according to your logic. Its only okay to have sex when you are in love.
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I can honestly say my boyfriend has been in the same position. I've had more sexual experience than he has and it's been quite a difficult road in my relationship to say the least. Your girlfriend is far from permiscuous. My boyfriend once told me he wished i was his first and vise versa, however, that isn't the reality with most people. You're being unfair to judge her past when you didn't know her. I'm sure when you think about it you look at it from the worst angles and exaggerate it from every situation, which isn't going to help you in the long-run. You aren't so innocent yourself. You have been together for 9 months. You need to look back on your past TOGETHER and not your past before each other. It's irrelevant and will only cause you more issues. Who she is now and what she does now should tell you what kind of person she is. I'm sure this isn't easy for her. You making her feel guilty about things she has done before you. It isn't mature. I'm certain it isn't intentional, but you can't live in a fantasy world. Digging into a person's past can only hurt yourself. You should only judge a person from who they are to you. Not for what they've done or who they were before you. I have really strong feelings about this, experience, and a lot of jumbled thoughts on this topic. So, hopefully i helped you out a bit? Anymore questions, feel free to message me.
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I would say grow up and knock off the crap. You girlf friend did not sit around waiting for you her whole life so you can come and take her off her feet.
Yes she has had sex and a life before you. She is not damaged goods. She is still the same person before you knew how many guys she has been with. Next, yes there might be a time when you will meet one of those ex boyfriends, what are you going to do then. Fall apart and act like a total loser or think to yourself"you lost a good thing here buddy, she is a wonderful person."
If you are mature enought to be having sex, then you have to be mature enough to realize other people have sex, the people you will meet and the people you have meet, all are having sex. What does it matter.Your ex-girlfriend is with some guy, and this girlfriend you have, once you guys are done, will be having sex with some one else.
What you going to do about? Cry or be mature?
Yes she has had sex and a life before you. She is not damaged goods. She is still the same person before you knew how many guys she has been with. Next, yes there might be a time when you will meet one of those ex boyfriends, what are you going to do then. Fall apart and act like a total loser or think to yourself"you lost a good thing here buddy, she is a wonderful person."
If you are mature enought to be having sex, then you have to be mature enough to realize other people have sex, the people you will meet and the people you have meet, all are having sex. What does it matter.Your ex-girlfriend is with some guy, and this girlfriend you have, once you guys are done, will be having sex with some one else.
What you going to do about? Cry or be mature?
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The real problem lies in the way the society is today. The majority of both the males and the females have more than one partner. However, many males still have the idea of "female purity" when they first have sex with their "true love." Although they know that their partner is not a virgin, they still somewhat expect them to be.
I dont think it is healthy to just "ignore her past." Her past is what makes her who she is today. I think it is better to explore and deal with her past (although it will hurt) rather than to just "ignore" it. If you ignore her past, it will be there on your mind subconciously.
So, ask her about it. Think about it. Then let it go. (easier said than done). If you can't let it go, it will ruin your relationship. Tell yourself that and make yourself let it go.
I dont think it is healthy to just "ignore her past." Her past is what makes her who she is today. I think it is better to explore and deal with her past (although it will hurt) rather than to just "ignore" it. If you ignore her past, it will be there on your mind subconciously.
So, ask her about it. Think about it. Then let it go. (easier said than done). If you can't let it go, it will ruin your relationship. Tell yourself that and make yourself let it go.
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If you really love her, you have to accept everything-- the best and the worst. What's important is that she's with nobody else but you.
_______________
Justin
*edited link
_______________
Justin
*edited link
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Paul,
I am in the same position. I am 23, and an infrequent lover by choice (not religious at all, just because I never understood relationships or feelings), I met my girlfriend and fell for her. I totally love her. I just found out about her past, sort of.
Firstly, I think it's best to hear that you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It's been killing me. And you're totally right about how some tiny detail in a story can set those thoughts in motion. I see a change in her when she avoids and dodges, and I feel it. Then everything out of her mouth relates to it- not on purpose, but because my mind starts linking things, possible memories or situations. It stays with me for a long time. I can literally feel my heart hurt.
I thought I was a monster of a person. I get it, people are people, blah blah, her choices led her to me, blah blah, accept it or get over it, blah blah. This isn't a feeling other people can understand if they're not experiencing it. It's crippling. You're completely helpless.
This isn't advice, just what I do. And I swear it works. Pretend you ARE a monster of a person. Pretend everything is empty. Fake it all. The next time those feelings come, turn all of those angry/sad feelings into "I am wonderfully a villain."
I know it sounds evil, but I swear it works. I still love her in the daylight, I promise I do. But when those thoughts come, it's the only way to not destroy myself or her.
Please let me know if this works for you too.
I am in the same position. I am 23, and an infrequent lover by choice (not religious at all, just because I never understood relationships or feelings), I met my girlfriend and fell for her. I totally love her. I just found out about her past, sort of.
Firstly, I think it's best to hear that you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It's been killing me. And you're totally right about how some tiny detail in a story can set those thoughts in motion. I see a change in her when she avoids and dodges, and I feel it. Then everything out of her mouth relates to it- not on purpose, but because my mind starts linking things, possible memories or situations. It stays with me for a long time. I can literally feel my heart hurt.
I thought I was a monster of a person. I get it, people are people, blah blah, her choices led her to me, blah blah, accept it or get over it, blah blah. This isn't a feeling other people can understand if they're not experiencing it. It's crippling. You're completely helpless.
This isn't advice, just what I do. And I swear it works. Pretend you ARE a monster of a person. Pretend everything is empty. Fake it all. The next time those feelings come, turn all of those angry/sad feelings into "I am wonderfully a villain."
I know it sounds evil, but I swear it works. I still love her in the daylight, I promise I do. But when those thoughts come, it's the only way to not destroy myself or her.
Please let me know if this works for you too.
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A woman is not a saint anymore than a man is.....If I had not known my yesterday, I would not be who I am today......
In other words, let sleeping dogs lie....
Caroline
In other words, let sleeping dogs lie....
Caroline
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paul
i understand how you feel, probably because i was in your situation a few weeks ago. i can say that your girlfriend is very comfortable with you by telling you all her past sexcapades, and that's good.
girls do not give out their virginity that easily. we only want to make love to someone we love, and maybe those person she mentioned to you were the guys that she thought would love her unconditionally and endlessly. fortunately not, and that she was able to have you instead.
as what you have said, you'll never have this woman that you love and adore if not because of his past. i know it would be hard to accept but there's we do not have any choice. if only we could delete or manipulate our partner's past, then maybe we can all have a perfect world.
Maybe the best thing to do is to create your own memories with her. Be her present and build your future together. make love to her whenever you feel she wants to be loved. make her feel that she's the most important person in your life.
she loves you, that's why she's honest to you. it's time for you to love her back.
about having sex with another guy with an on going relationship. do not judge her. maybe something is halftold. we do not know exactly what was going on on their relationship. maybe you're just afraid that she'll do the same thing with you.
trust and love her, according to everybody...past is past....and it's true.
guinevere
girls do not give out their virginity that easily. we only want to make love to someone we love, and maybe those person she mentioned to you were the guys that she thought would love her unconditionally and endlessly. fortunately not, and that she was able to have you instead.
as what you have said, you'll never have this woman that you love and adore if not because of his past. i know it would be hard to accept but there's we do not have any choice. if only we could delete or manipulate our partner's past, then maybe we can all have a perfect world.
Maybe the best thing to do is to create your own memories with her. Be her present and build your future together. make love to her whenever you feel she wants to be loved. make her feel that she's the most important person in your life.
she loves you, that's why she's honest to you. it's time for you to love her back.
about having sex with another guy with an on going relationship. do not judge her. maybe something is halftold. we do not know exactly what was going on on their relationship. maybe you're just afraid that she'll do the same thing with you.
trust and love her, according to everybody...past is past....and it's true.
guinevere
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i'm just like you..
my partner has several sexual partners, and knowing you guys, you sometimes-cant-stop mentioning one sexcapdes or the other. everytime my husband have the opportunity to talk about her exes,a part of me breaks. but im a great pretender...pretending not to be affected by what he said. my husband would even tell me how painful it would be for the girl to have sex along sea shore and stuff. I was like " really?" but inside me said, ouch, you did it again. It was hard, but we are now building our own life. the opportunity to talk about his exes got slimmer and slimmer and i know and i hope that it would eventually end.
i feel for you friend...tell her about what you are feeling whenever you hear about her past life. as for me? we didnt talk about it until i found out that he's still fond of her ex. (its a different story). i learned from it and that prevention is really way better than cure....
gudluck to us friend..
i feel for you...
guinevere.
i feel for you friend...tell her about what you are feeling whenever you hear about her past life. as for me? we didnt talk about it until i found out that he's still fond of her ex. (its a different story). i learned from it and that prevention is really way better than cure....
gudluck to us friend..
i feel for you...
guinevere.
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A prime example of why we shouldn't ask the question in the first place.
You knew she wasn't a virgin when you got with her. The only thing you really needed to know about it was that she is disease free. Now, thanks to your own doing, your miserable. Don't even try to blame it on her, she was just answering your question. If you can't handle it, that's your problem and your making it hers. Not fair. You will be lucky if she stays.
You knew she wasn't a virgin when you got with her. The only thing you really needed to know about it was that she is disease free. Now, thanks to your own doing, your miserable. Don't even try to blame it on her, she was just answering your question. If you can't handle it, that's your problem and your making it hers. Not fair. You will be lucky if she stays.
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personally, i think its important and smart to know someones past sexual history before getting involved..I think this SHOULD be discussed..my boyfriend and i discussed each others past history..i had no sexual experience before him, he had only had sex with his ex gf before me...when i sit there and think about it, yea..its gross to me, and not something i want to think about but..thats why you don't think about it...what she did before you met her was her business, you weren't around, she was living her life...you can't blame her for doing that...i do think its important though to find out about a persons sexual past...i was very very sexually attracted to an ex boyfriend of mine, but i was a virgin and wasn't ready and the fact that he'd slept with a few girls in my dorm(that I KNEW of) before me and him even got together completely turned me off..i don't like a guy with a ton of...baggage...some people are like that..if he cant get over the fact that this girl isn't pure and isn't a virgin, then...maybe its something he doesn't feel like he needs to settle for
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I have never pursued any of my husband's adventures before we were married....I have always known that he has had them and until two years ago, never asked...I have always known that women still come on to him.....
There is a part of me that my husband does not, nor will never know....It is the "bewitching part" of me and a part of my past, before marriage, that I have always kept from him....That part of my life gave me the confidence and sexual knowledge that was important to me, both as a woman and as a wife.....
This is a part of the private me....It says "No admittance"....And this door of my life is closed to him....I have no regrets....What I have learned was worth it's weight in gold....
Just my thoughts,
Caroline
There is a part of me that my husband does not, nor will never know....It is the "bewitching part" of me and a part of my past, before marriage, that I have always kept from him....That part of my life gave me the confidence and sexual knowledge that was important to me, both as a woman and as a wife.....
This is a part of the private me....It says "No admittance"....And this door of my life is closed to him....I have no regrets....What I have learned was worth it's weight in gold....
Just my thoughts,
Caroline
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heyy
i'm pretty much in the same situation too, me an my bf have been together now for nearly 7 months, and he is sexual active where as i'm not,,,what it is that bothers me is that he does talk about his past alot to me,about all his exes and told me about many sexual situations he was in,,, but it really does upset me and sumtimes it comes to the point that i just want to burst and cry. his X( they were together for a whole year) still sends pictures of herself on via-email, this really bothers me. but he just tells me that i have notin to wory about, as i do have the password to my his hotmail, i;m so jelous i go on to see his mails all the time, like am some sort of stalker. but i knw my bf wldnt cheat on me as he loves me unconditionally,, yet i cnt stop the jelousy he knows i;m a virgin and says that he doesnt want to take away my virginity yet and that he wants to waitl till we are married,, wat i dnt understand is that is he actually sayin that coz he truly respects or coz he doesnt feel attracted to , i knw i.m attracted oz guys ask me out all the time, i jus dnt knw wat belive
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