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Q: Help! Man Masterbating Continuously And Denying It

asked by: lblind715 on April 16th, 2007

New User

I need some feedback from men so that I can understand what is happening.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 9 months. The sex was always great. About two months ago he went through some disappointment. When this happened, our sex life has changed.
I have confronted him for masturbating and he got furious that I would state he did that. Why would he if he had me and he didn't when I wasn't around either. I don't have a problem with it, his secrecy is what is bothering me.
He has also had a problem having sex the second time in a few hours. Not always ejaculating. This has caused frustration for him and he doesn't think he is pleasing me.
Around the same time he started masterbating when going to sleep. I questioned him on this and stated he is not doing it.
It has become worse. This is when we do and don't have sex. As soon as he turns over he starts stroking himself and snoring. I know he is not asleep yet. He usually stops, and is asleep or curls up behind me. When he curls up behind me for a little bit, he turns back around again and starts stroking himself. If I wake up in the middle of the night he is still doing it. He does not sleep very well. (because of this, I have not been sleeping very well) and have not known how to deal with this issue.
He does not touch me like he did before. I have tried talking to him about it and states that he does not realize he is not doing so. I told him the other night that because he pulls away and doesn't want sex again because he is afraid he won't beable to finish. He has pushed me away so that he will not become aroused by me. But, he is still stroking himself.
Sunday morning we were cuddling and I was aroused, he then turned on his side and started masterbating. I was still awake and laying on my back. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was really going at it. I got back into bed and layed my head on his side and put my hand on his stomach. At that time he pulled his hand away and he was pulsating and moaned.
I turned away from him and in a few moments he came over asked if I was ok and than spooned me. He acts like everything is fine and I was really hurt by this.
I decided to seduce him, which he complyed but I feel like I am doing all the seducing and not getting anything in return.
We have both been under pressure for outside issues but this is really causing some issues for me. I have asked him if he still wants me and desires me, and he says yes.
I don't have problem with masterbating but include me in. I am also 46 and have a very healthy sex drive and this is also frustating to me since he doesn't comply.
I do not know how to approach him on this and I also am not comfortable sleeping with him because of this.
I need some suggestions and ideas of what is going on. He is very faithful to me, I know he loves me and we have talked about a future together. He is a very good man and is very good to me. I don't want this issue to cause us to breakup.
Help please!

Replies(2)

HealthySex

replied on April 19th, 2007

Experienced User

Sounds like a difficult situation, because you've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses. However, it'd seem that talking about it would be the only way around it. You know him better than I, so I'd think you'd have to find a way to make him feel comfortable and talk about the issue. It's important that you make it caring, non-judgmental and non-demanding.

Of course, talking to a therapist of sorts (maybe even a sex therapist) could help. But I understand you'd have trouble talking to him about the idea, but it might be helpful. Perhaps he could go to one alone if he doesn't want to talk about it together.

lblind715

replied on April 23rd, 2007

New User

Help! Man Masterbating Continuously And Denying It

HealthySex wrote:

Thanks
I did approach him on this issue last week. I couldn't handle it any longer and his behavior was really bothering me. We met in a neutral place to talk. It was very uncomfortable. He was defensive at first and I told him what he was doing. He said that he would not do that with me right there and I told him he was. He at first said I had to be making it up and I told him what was I gaining from it. Being miserable and causing him grief also???????? I also have never lied to him so he kind of thought, maybe he is doing it in his sleep and not realizing it. I told him what he did that Sunday am and he said no way. I told him exactly what he did. He said he remembered me going to the bathroom and then back in bed with my back to him and wondered what was wrong. He said that he did not remember anything else. I also asked him, if he was, would he say so and he said yes.
He might not be realizing it but it was happening and I was very uncomfortable about it. Also, because he was attentive to me in other ways also. After he "chilled" he said to prove it. I said fine, and don't get mad at me if I bring it up. We talked again about it last Thursday and he said that he wanted to put it behind us, if I bring it up and point it out, he will not get upset and that I need to prove it. I said I would take a pic. He also admitted not paying as much attention to me and was also pulling away from me. Since we originally talked, he has been more affectionate and we went away for the weekend.
He was much better at night. I still am apprehensive and trying to get through it. I just say your doing it again and he said I was scratching. I made a comment towards that and he went back to sleep.
I know that he deeply loves me and he knows how much I have been hurting and I know that he does not want to lose me. So, if anything was going on, he is making an effort to not keep doing the same thing.
Things are much better in the affectionate area and with the sex. He is recipercating much more.

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