Im new to this site so dont really know where to begin. Im a 20 something single mother who has been seriously depressed for a number of years. I was engaged to be married and my partner left after our child was born. I have raised my child on my own for the last 7 years and am so desperatly lonely its killing me. I cant speak to anyone about it as I have put on a brave face for friends and family all along and they never believe what Im telling them how I feel. Since my partner left I have had few relationships which have all ended badly to the extent that I no longer trust men at all. I am seeing a wonderful man at the moment but want to finish with him as I dont feel I deserve him and want to get in there before I get hurt again.
Im so screwed up its scary. I look in the mirror and where I used to see a kinda cute, vibrant young woman I now see a fat, ugly, useless woman who no-one could ever really love. Every man I have ever been it is almost like I was a stop gap - when they finished the relationship they say they arent ready for commitment and they have all gotten married within a few months of us splitting up which just lowers my self asteem even further and makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me!?! I never show how low I feel around anyone and everyone thinks Im a bubbly happy person so its not because im a miserable person to be around. I started cutting myself about a year ago which no-one knows about as I hide it well. I went to the doctor for help and they just tried to pump me full of pills. Dont get me wrong, im not so bad that I cant look after my child, I would do anything for him and we have an amazing relationship which I try to concentrate on when I get really low.
I suppose all I really want to get from this is the realisation that I am not weird and not alone in how I feel.
I can surely understand where you are coming from, although my circumstances differ I have had feelings of loneliness and even the closest of people are unable to comfort me. The reason, I am not sure. Is it because I want to appear strong and worthy of a good relationship. You are not alone, I can assure you of that. You are a great woman having dealt the bad hand or two and the fear of being given pills is understandable. However, you must realise that cutting yourself is not the answer, furthermore you are etching scars which will be a constant reminder of your CURRENT mood. I will not preach that you need to seek medical advice or prescribe onto a course of anti depressants, however you need to seek comfort in the man you describe as being ideal for you. You deserve all you get and you need to start re-building day by day your confidence. If it a change in haircut or deciding to pursue an athletic activity. Please keep me posted on your progress...
I know you want to seem strong for your son however he would be able to sense exactly how you feel. Kids are very sensitive to feelings of their parents and they know alot more that what you think they do.
You definately do need to speak with someone.
Speak with your partner. He is there for you and use him as your rock. When i first started dating my partner he knew i had depression even before i told him. We like to think people around us dont know but its just that they may not say anything as they dont know how to.
Remeber you are good enough. If your partner loves you what more can you ask for. Cherish them. Dont end something because you are scared of getting hurt. You may be throwing away the one thing that can save you.
hey there, I was actually in the same position as you just a little while ago. I also acted bubbly around people, but truley felt dead on the inside to the point where it din't matter if I lived or not. The one thing that you say about looking in the mirror, is something that I can totally relate to. I used to always be proud of looking in the mirror, I always saw that happy, glowing face that was truely proud of himself, but when i was depressed was almost afraid to look. For me, it was the baggage under the eyes that made me look so bad. I had huge purple bags under my eyes, and every time that I breathed, the bags seemed to get bigger.. it was the wierdest thing. like every time I would breath my heart would clench, my eyes would puff up and I would get deeper into depression. I felt like my life was being choked out of me. But you know what? I am 100% free of all of that now. I got so fed up with hearing people telling me to take drugs or just see a counseler, I looked for the real cure that would actually fix the problem at the route. I looked back to when the depression started and noticed that I had gone through a very emotional time.. a depressing time.. . For a year after that experience, I felt the same emotions .. like it was still happening. So, with this theory I knew that I had retianed negative emotions... depressive emotions.. so I went to a doctor that released emotions.. it's a treatment called
negative emotional release ...... The cause of my depression was that I had retained the negative emotions that I had experienced a year before. I asked around to see how common this was...; and the doctor told me that this is the cause of depression in 75- 90% of the cases. When you cannot process negative emotions properly, they get retained in the sub-concious mind. I have released every bit of depression and anxiety. I feel better now than I ever have. You're gonna be alright.... pm me soon.. we'll talk about your past experiences.. and rule out some things..