I'm a newbie, so let me know if I messed
on something wierd or whatever.
last September, i fell into a depression.
A self-induced depression I forced apon
myself as best I could. I just focused on
the bad and for some reason generally
wanted to feel like crap. I felt alone at
the time and didn't want a reason to be
happy, but never have I thought about
cutting myself in my life until that
month. Out of pure curiousity, i picked up
a razor just to try to understand what
they get out of it. It began simple
enough, but soon turned into a bit of a
rush. I cut myself about 10 times then and
stopped since. My life right now is
actually pretty good. I got a decent job,
i took up snowboarding, i'm about to go to
college. Everything is fine. I don't want
to be depressed. However, i'm been feelng
an urgency on cutting again. Not out of a
meloncholy melody or lonelyness or
anything like that. I just think of the
act in my head, then I feel my heartbeat
quickening and feel tense. Like a rush
again. After cleaning a blade, i went to
my room and just held it in my hands for a
while and focused on my heartbeat and my
shaking hand. I was nervous, but not
scared. I cut myself only once and watch
the blood run. It wasn't that pain that I
enjoyed though, it was just the act
itself. This strong act of self-harm being
such a dark and dramatic event. Watching
the blood drip and bubble out was pretty
intense. I feel fine and cool. Nothing
really different and my life with go on as
usually. But i'm cutting myself out of
pure enjoyment I guess. Like something to
do after work or when the timing is right.
Idk, what would someone make of this.
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ggjjkk
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 01 Apr 2007 Posts: 3
Cutting Posted: 04-01-07 21:06pm
My story is pretty much identicle to
yours. I started cutting out of curiosity
and then pretty soon it took ahold of me.
I am in recovery and I haven't cut myself
for a long, long time, but sometimes even
when I'm totally okay and not in the least
depressed, just thinking about the act
makes me want to do it. I think that
cutting is kind of like smoking. It's an
addiction, so even after you stop, when
you see someone doing it on a tv show, or
one of your friends or even thinking about
yourself, it bring up those old memories
of feeling the excitement and the release.
Are you currently going to a councelor?
This one of those things you should have a
certified professional to talk with about.
Having therapy really helped me out. I
don't think I would have stopped cutting
if it weren't for my psychologist. He just
knew the right thing to say to me... it's
hard to explain...
Anyways, if you decide that talking to
someone is a good idea, which I think it
always is, a good web resource it www.goodtherapy.org .
It's an international listing of
therapists, and you just put in your
general location and the search engine
pulls up all the therapists, councelors,
psychologists etc... in that area. It's
really cool and free, so check it out.
I hope that you are able to stop cutting
and that you find someone helpful to talk
to.
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ikarus_300
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 27 Mar 2007 Posts: 3
Posted: 04-02-07 01:09am
To me, it just seems theorapy is just a
place for you to face your problems dead
on and find the answer you already knew
the solution to, but just didn't want to
confront. What could a psychiatrist
possibly tell me that I don't already
know. it's could be just experiemental and
will go away with time. But at the same
time, I do want to stop this. Like I said
before, the act broke down to be just
another activity when no one is around.
But I can't wear longs sleeves forever,
people will start to wonder. This is all
BS though, I know I shouldn't be doing
this. I've known better all my life. But I
block out all rationality and just do it
anyway and regret it later.
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Sprinter09
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Apr 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Kansas
Posted: 04-02-07 20:55pm
self-induced depression? you got curious
and decided to cut yourself? bet you felt
all big and bad with that blade in your
hand. real cutters have a physical need to
cut. i can't believe you actually wanted
to be depressed. i have real depression
and i'd give anything for it to go away,
to not need to slice open my arms on a
regular basis. what a poser.
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this_is_me
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 May 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 05-11-07 20:12pm
Ok, so I almost exactly understand what
you are saying....I too had a "self
induced depression" you could say. Or at
least I made myself believe. I have a long
list of family issues...who doesn't
right?...that is all anyone ever tells me.
Anyway, my father was and is to this day a
drug-addict and my mother....well crazy,
but probably because my dad made her that
way. He had is way of playing head games.
But anytime i ever tried to talk to anyone
about it....including my mom, they just
told me to stop feeling sorry for myself
and get over it. They always said "its not
the worst thing in the world.." which it
isn't but that doesn't mean i dont need
help. So I in a way forced myself to show
them that I did. But cutting was never an
attention seeker. I honestly did that
because I felt I needed it to...and I
relapse from time to time. Though i always
did like scars, I try to hide them now. I
guess I hated my dad so much because i had
my own addiction. So anyway, though I
forced myself to make my depression worse,
I did suffer from minor depression (it
runs in my family along with
scitzophrenia...can't spell). And as far
as cutting, I first tried it because I
knew people got a "release" from it. And
it all spiraled out of control from there.
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this_is_me
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 May 2007 Posts: 5
Posted: 05-11-07 20:22pm
Oh and I wanted to add. Not that i am
trying to be mean or anything but how can
you call someone a poser because they cut?
Even if someone did cut just to be "cool'
doesn't mean that something isn't wrong.
The average person doesn't cut themselves,
though it is more and more common. Also
those trying to seek attention...they do
feel that they "need" to cut. They need to
cut for someone to notice that they are
hurting. You don't cut if you aren't
depressed. You may once but you don't do
it over and over. And "self-induced"
depression, I feel that those trying to be
depressed actually ARE depressed they just
can't express that emotion. Obivously they
are just trying to find a diagnosis for
something that is going on. They just want
an answer to their problem, doesn't mean
they are right or wrong. They just want to
feel. I never was good at expressing my
feelings. I could be angry, happy,
excited, sad...and they are very little
difference between them. If I won a
million dollars all I would probably say
is...thats awesome. So I was and am
feeling depressed but I forced myself into
a deeper depression because no one would
notice and nobody cared...doesn't mean i
wasn't depressed.
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twilight_mist
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 40 Location: ,
Thanks: 1
Thanked:0
Posted: 07-16-07 08:12am
I agree with you this_is_me. - I believe
I've been starting to build up a mild
depression over the last few years, but
the thing is, it feels like I switch
between feeling generally low, and not
feeling at all. - I got to know few people
that cut a few years ago, and it kinda
made me curious. So now I sometimes feel
the urge to cut, or just hurt myself
without any apparent reason (I don't have
to see all black to feel the urge). I have
been scraping on a few occasions earlier,
but it was nevr something I used to think
of several times a week. I haven't gone
any further than that though, so I don't
have any marks yet.
Cutting without having a severe depression
does not have to mean you're a poser. - I
would never dare to cut or scrape anywhere
that I believed my parents or friends
could see it. - Never. It's just the
sensation that it gives, and sometimes the
feeling that it will either take the pain
away, or the oposite; that it ill make
you able to feel.
