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Angry Or Abusive Husband???

My husband and I have been married for only 8 months but I am really beginning to wonder about the nature of our relationship. What do you think?

He has a horrible temper and it seems like the slightest annoyance can send him into a rage. He doesn't break things or hit me (he's never hurt me) but he slams things and curses -- usually says "f**k!" really loud. When we first started dating I saw him do this every once in a while and it didn't bother me. However, now it happens at least 10 or 12 times a day -- the tv is too loud, the light won't come on, his computer won't re-start, and etc. I hate the fact that everything bothers him because I can't say anything while he's still pissed -- then I get snapped at or, I am to blame for whatever it is. He just rants and I watch him....a dozen times a day.

He snaps at me in public, micro-manages what I do -- my god, I am 28 and he tries to tell me how to wash dishes -- and he doesn't even wash them! He is never satisfied with my housework, where I put things, how I arrange things, my choice in sheets, how I set the table. It's gotten to the point where I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop -- "What did I do wrong now?"

The snapping at me in public thing is really humiliating. When he apologizes it usually ends with "but I was really annoyed about that fat guy who grosses me out because he can't get the f**k out of my way." This is a sweet guy, or used to be! Why does he become this evil guy when he's angry? He lacks compassion and ugh, i'm rambling.

My biggest concern is that I walk on egg shells around him. We can be having a lovely day, as long as it's on his terms. If I, or if anyone or anything else stands between him and his way, look out. you're in for a crappy day. Then, once I'm beaten down, he apologizes and cracks jokes as though he didn't just embarrass me, or hurt me, or make fun of me. Ironically, he is always angry at me before he wrongly assumes that I am laughing at him or making fun of him (which I am not -- and if I do, it's lovingly, like friends do -- like we used to) or, my favorite, "telling him what to do." yeah right!

i've read up on abuse and it seems that while he could be a candidate for an emotional abuser, he's not possessive or physically abusive and he seems to lack the manipulative quality most emotional abusers carry. He is very honest and doesn't manipulate me to do things that he wants. He just makes it totally unbearable if I don't do things his way. (ha, is that manipulation?) Oh, and that includes going to a marriage counselor. In fact, he's made it clear that he will NEVER go to a marriage counselor because he knows that "you guys will just gang up on me." I'm very confused. Any suggestions?
Confused
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First Helper deana8
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replied March 26th, 2007
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Abusive
your husband is a verbal abuser. i know. i was(am) one myself. you are doing nothing wrong. he is. you are not to blame. he is. he needs help. if he won't get help then you need to get away. i know this is probably not what you want to hear, but you need to be safe. there are places to go and people who can help. go somewhere safe and ask him to get help. until he admits he has a problem, things will not get better. there are also plenty of people here who will listen and be there for you.
good luck
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replied March 26th, 2007
Hmmmm
Thanks for your honesty. I am uncertain now, though, more than ever. Frankly, I have no where to go and, what if he doesn't get help? Or what if he does and nothing changes? Did you get help and correct your behavior?
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replied March 26th, 2007
Experienced User
i am trying to correct and change my behavior. i am currently in therapy. we have been "separated" since dec. 29. i moved back in on feb. 14 and i have not been abusive towards her since dec. 29th. we are still kind of separated, more like roommates. she even cheated in january and i still have not been abusive. it took a long time before i was able to admit being abusive. since i have though i see what i've done and am trying hard to change. it's not easy.
if your husband won't change you should think about separation or even divorce. you should not be treated that way by someone who claims to love you. the road to change is long and hard. you will have to be willing to see it through. he cannot change on his own. he needs professional help.
there are places and organizations that will help you. google domestic violence. i will be available to answer any questions and to talkto.
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replied March 26th, 2007
Maybe your wife just cheated so that she can feel some sort of control. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about x-boyfriends...I just want to feel cherished.

Any advice on what I should do when he gets "pissy" or condescending? I can't not ask "the wrong" questions or say "dorky" things because I have not idea what those are until after he's been rude. My reactions -- tears, anger, insults (lately, I've been such a jerk back) or general sensitivity have just made him more frustrated, rude and condescending. I can't even physically walk away because it makes him more angry. I really feel stuck.

(I'm so proud of you for sticking with your therapy. That gives me hope for my own husband.)
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replied March 26th, 2007
Experienced User
don't cheat though. two wrongs don't make it right. can you try a trial separation. it might push him in the right direction. i glad my situation gives you hope. from what i hear it's not typical behaviour for abusers.
keep me posted and pm me if you like
good luck
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replied March 26th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
ChrisC wrote:

Any advice on what I should do when he gets "pissy" or condescending? I can't not ask "the wrong" questions or say "dorky" things because I have not idea what those are until after he's been rude. My reactions -- tears, anger, insults (lately, I've been such a jerk back) or general sensitivity have just made him more frustrated, rude and condescending. I can't even physically walk away because it makes him more angry. I really feel stuck.

I would like to know the answer to that also!
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replied March 26th, 2007
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Hi
I just had to jump in on this one.............until you decide you have had enough, your situation is going to be the same. You will stand back and allow this man to control you, and everything around the two of you. He is manipulative and the verbal abuse alone would make me want to leave. Unless you leave and he gets the helps he needs, its like telling him hey, its cool, lets have things your way........The embarrassment in public, by all means, don't go to places where you and your girlfriends go. Thats what I've learned! The only way he is going to see you mean business, is for you to take the bull by the ####S and find somewhere else to go, until he realizes you are not playing games. He will also realize he loves you very much and is willing to get the help he needs in order to keep you in his life............if not, then action speaks louder than words..... 8 months is a long time, do you want this to go on forever? Its up to you Girlfriend, we are here in the wings cheering you on! Laughing
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replied March 26th, 2007
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ditto!!!!
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replied September 17th, 2009
Me too!
I am in the same situation. My husband use to be the nicest guy. Now he is angry all the time. The latest example would be when we were in the store the other day I must have said something to make him mad. He walked out of the store and then took his wedding ring off and threw it across the parking lot, then told me to go look for it. He goes through these "fits" then when he is finished he just acts like nothing happened, like he isnt hurting me. I try so hard but it doesnt matter what i do. I cant leave right now either. I am pregnant with twins. I don't know what to do. And he would never agree to go to counceling.
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replied March 29th, 2010
My husband's co-workers think he's so nice and so funny. What a riot he must be to live with they say. At home nothing is ever right, negative, negative, negative. He's always scowling like his life is so miserable. He picks on every single thing the kids do and all they do is live in fear of making him "grumpy". Divorce is not an option, but I need to know how to make him stop. He says he prays for help but acts like he can't help himself. I am a cheerful happy person and would never have married this chronic downer if he had acted like this while we were dating.
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replied April 25th, 2010
You're going threw the samething I had to grow up around. My father was the SAME exact way with my mother. We all had the sweet moments and talks, but he'll get upset over the smallest things, he always complain on the way my mother does things, how she cleans, what she buys, when she buys it and even the wy dinner tastes, he would always tell her how she should do things, but he wouldnt get up off his behind and do it himself. And no he wont physically abuse any of us or my mother. He would just say the most harshest things and maybe knock over a few things, and yes he was a verbal abuser. My mother wanted theM to get couseling, we all wanted him to do it. And we wanted him to get anger management, but he would refuse it, he claims everyone else is the problem but fail to see himself. Your husband is a control freak, samething my father is. He wont look at himself untill he's lost what he's got. Me and my younger brother used to make sure we did everything he asked because we feared of him coming home yelling and screaming.

Listen, you should leave him for a good while, then he'll realize the good woman he had is no longer there to cook or clean and then he'll look into himself. He probably has something bothering him deep down inside and he takes it out on you. I know that was my fathers problem. You dont nessacarily have to divorce him, but just leave for a while at a hotel, family member house or something and threaten him that if he keeps disrespecting you like that then you're packing your baggs and your gone for good because you wont put up with his misery and the only time you all are happy is when he wants to be. He's selfish. You have to make him learn.
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replied November 23rd, 2010
Don't Stay
I am 18 yrs into the life you have described and all I can say is RUN and don't look back. Let me describe my text book husband to you.He was so sly about making his anger & insults seem like it was my fault. He NEVER displayed it when we dated. And, some friends & clients would have ahard time believing me if I told them today. He is a well educated & extremely sucessful man in our community. He started out only verbally abusing me (Telling me I was stupid and my opinions didn't matter). Then he started throwing things when he'd get angry even if we weren't the cause. The slightest thing could set him off -computer not working right, a dish out of place and you could eat off my floors??? Then he started cussing at me whenever we had a conflict. I am not included in any worthwhile decisions. I've been called a "F**** B**** more times than I can count. I've been told I disgust him. I could write a book on his episodes but that would only make it hurt more. His anger has now turned to violence. Not to me but to my 3 children. He slapped our 16yr old twice just 2 weeks ago because she didn't return his txt but txt'd me instead. This is a child who maintains great grades, runs CC & has never abused her privileges. I told him to leave and tried to call police but he took phones and locked himself in our bedroom. He says it is my fault because I have turned our children against him and they don't respect him. Why have I stayed?? My religion plays a large part as do my children. They love their dad and he is fun about 75% of the time. But the 25% has damaged my love for him. We sensor everything we do around him. They just want him to change and don't understand why he won't. He doesn't think he has anger issues. It is just the people around him. I am emotionally detacted now. My heart has been broken so many times. I know now he is not the man I married and I don't know if I can continue life like this. Do you want to be me??? I wish I had left but then I wouldn't have my 3 wonderful kids and if anything I am grateful to him for them. They remind me everyday of the good in this life and why I should forgive him (not live with)and be happy.
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replied December 8th, 2010
ok, i was 13 when my husband and i started going out and he was 15. we have been on and off for the last 14 years and masrried for 5.we have 4 year old twin boy and girl and an 8 year old boy together.i also will not consider divorce. i am a 30 year old punk rocker so my life b4 my kids was very, i guess you would just say kinda lowclass. i squated and drank and did drugs. i lived in cockroach appartments and all that good stuff. now thanx to my hubbys good work ethic and of course the birth of my first son saving my life pretty much (cuz i never did another drug again) we have a house two vehicles and we live pretty comfortabley. so the finance part of this is mostly from him as i am a stay at home mother,which i wouldnt have any other way, but that is not the only reason i wont divorce him. like i said b4, we met at a very young age and he was my fist everything besides kissing other boyfriends sothat attachment is deap and i never felt the exact same way for anyone else so when we came back into eachothers lives when i was 24, we new there was a reason we kept being put in front of eachother after every couple of years and got married. i am in love with him but like runforfun said, his emotional and verbal abuse has also damaged some of my love, respect, and over all view of him. the first 2 years we were together were the best, but after that he was so mean for no reason so i always knew about his temper and why he had changed after 2 years instead of the usual couple months when you see someones true colors come out. his mom had a hubby that was a tweaker and he was beating the crap out of him and raping my sister-in-law and his momknew but did nothing because she was also on the drugs. this step-dick (i'll say) was super sadistic with his abuse. my 16 year old hubby would be on the toilette and he would just come in and beat him.he took my sister-in-law out of our high school for a punishment cuz she couldnt leave the house except for school any ways. i was her only friend but when i came there after school, my hubby and i would leave so he didnt have to have me there. so the issue is trust and fear, anger, resentment towards the person who let this all happen to them (his mom). so now its like he can show no fear or weakness so he turns every emotion into anger so he doesnt get hurt. he also picks on our kids. everything is someone elses fault. he'll flip in an instant like a ticking time bomb. i am a very loud strong woman and i have had abusive relationships in the past that i walked from (b4 you say its cuz of the kids that i wont leave, my hubby adopted my fisrt son at 3 so i did have a kid with an abusive person and left) but i feel we were destined to be together and i know it also sounds like im making exuses for the behavior cuz of his family history (maybe i am) but i'm just trying to give an overall view of the fact that i wittnessed him change into this person. so i'm rambling on i know but i just need to hear what someone might feel about his armor that he has created. its like he thinks everyone is out to get him. he even hoards food cuz he was starved back then. how do i make him change without making him feel abandoned and wronged at the same time?
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replied December 8th, 2010
i'm sorry i dont know why it put it twice. im new at this.
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replied January 13th, 2011
There are so many layers and so many conflicting emotions in your story...I ached reading it. God bless you! for loving your husband and looking for help for him.

The short answer - you have to set appropriate boundaries, and enforce them. (Great book to read "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend.)
You can help yourself do this by 1)Finding a good, trusted counselor for yourself at least, (takes a little while sometimes), 2)praying for him (I recommend "The Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie O'Martian) AND 3) going to a good Christian church that is a good fit for you. If your husband won't go to the counselor or church...you still need to.
It's sad when it is only one person doing the work at first, but nothing will ever change if you don't do something different.
You know that your husband can be a better man, & I commend you for sticking to your marriage vows, and trying to help him thru this emotional sickness. I pray that God guides you in everything so that your marriage and family are restored to what they should be.
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replied January 13th, 2011
thank you so much for your kind words. i've heard of the book about praying woman from my mom and i am definately going to find it. i have been praying every night and random times of the day. it turns out that the night before halloween we got into a huge fight where for some reason i found the most articulate way to tell him exactically the way i have felt in a way he could understand. i was balling my eyes out and i almost took off at 11 at night. for some reason he listened and he got scared. really scared. maybe it was "the fear of god", i dont know but ever since that night, he has understood me and listened to me like i was his best friend and not just the girl he took advantage of knowing.we look at eachother differently, like when we first discovered we were in love. we laugh at eachothers jokes and appreciate the time we spend together. he is literally a different person like he thinks before he gets mad. i dont knowe what happened but we have had maybe 4 of the smallest most normal arguments in this whole period since that night. we have gotten into huge fights almost every single holiday in the past but this was the best christmas i " my family" have ever experienced. thank the lord. thank you so much for your support. i am so happy and so are my kids. life is good.
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replied January 13th, 2011
I am so happy for all of you that your husband really listened to you, and changed his behavior! I know personally that prayer is a powerful tool, and God really can change our lives for the better.
Still, I would encourage you both to find a church community that actively supports marriages and families, and to always continue your prayers for him (and your kids too). May the blessings just keep coming in!
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replied January 13th, 2011
thank you soooo much!
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