Self Injury Forum - Approaching Daughter About Cutting?


Approaching Daughter About Cutting?

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mom1275

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Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 2

Approaching Daughter About Cutting? Posted: 03-21-07 09:38am


My daughter has been cutting herself and I don't know how to confront her. I have to think that she's been doing it for 6 months to a year. We first found out last fall, but we really felt it was a one time thing. Now she's been caught again by her brother. He told me last night making me promise not to say anything. All the signs are there. Now I'm coming to you asking what I should do to help her. I have been reading all morning and it appears there is a wrong way and a right way to go about this. Is professional help the only way out of this? I would love to hear some of your success stories and what worked for you. Or even what you would suggest to me as her mother. Thanks in advance, Renee

indiegurl02

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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 7
Location: Houston, TX

Posted: 03-21-07 09:46am


Do you think she'll talk to you about it? Is she close with anyone? I can tell you from previous experience as a past cutter, don't pretend you know how she feels. When my father found out, he called me stupid. Yes, I still have issues to this day, but that's another story. Try to find out why she is cutting though, get to the root of the problem.. But, professional help may be the only way to go, especially if she's doing it to try and kill herself. People do it for various reasons.... This is only my advice, I don't get paid for it, but I would try to call around to some professionals and see what they recommend. I hope this helps a little bit. Please let me know how it turns out. I hope she gets better.

mom1275

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Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 2

Posted: 03-21-07 10:14am


She might talk to me about it. I'm not a mom that goes crazy when she does something I don't agree with. I"m not sure if she's trying to kill herself or not. Last fall when this all came up, she just said she does it because she's depressed and it eases the pain but she's not cutting deep enough to kill herself. I guess I was naive enough to believe that it had all stopped. I also received this instant message from her around that time so I do think she could feel comfortable talking to me; I just don't know what to say to her. "i know you're probably not there, but dad's mad again and i'm scared. he thinks i want to come home because of him. mom i'm on the bridge of slitting my wrist again." She doesn't like being at her dads I know that. So I thought this was just her way of getting home. She came home and nothing more about it was said. Also, I threw her razor blades away last night and found a bloody cloth in her room this morning. I don't know if it was there last night or not. I'm not sure when it was from or if it was from cutting; I can only speculate. When I confronted her about the razor blades a while back though, she told me they were for something else. I was mad because she keeps ruining all my razors, but I never thought about her cutting.

nsantora36

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Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 15

Posted: 03-21-07 13:45pm


as someone whos been on your daughters end of this situation, here is my perspective. keep in mind that i dont know you nor do i know your daughter, so all of this is mere speculation and i could be 100% wrong. although this rarely happens, its still possible;) so heres my take, direct and to the point. first of all, from what ive read i dont believe your daughter is trying to kill herself. its hard to do just by cutting yourself. i mean it would have to be perfect; the right angle, the right depth, etc. if youve seen her scars, try to remember what they looked like - were they horizontal or vertical? practically the only way to successfully so much as graze the crucial vein would be a vertical incision, which many dont do because either theyre not really trying to kill themselves, they arent familiar with the technique, or most often its because its somewhat of an unnatural position. horizontally is the way that is most comfortable and allows you to use the most pressure. anyways, this is just what ive found from my experiences as a cutter and just from research. besides these reasons, if someone truly wanted to end their lives, they would use a different attempt that is proven to be a more "guaranteed" method. when you first approached your daughter, she was honest with you about cutting herself and revealed why she did it. then a second time she actually sought you and confessed she was contemplating it. these are two SURE signs that shes asking for your help, begging for it even. the worst possible thing you could do is ignore it or treat it as though it were insignificant. most who cut, aside from many other psychological reasons, are basically asking for help, especially if theyre not careful enough to hide their tracks (both literal and figuratively). you found a bloody towel in her room, and with not too little effort it seems. someone who didnt want your help or who were further into their illness and wanted someone to prove they are willing to sacrifice in order to help would have disposed of that cloth immediately and made it incredibly difficult to discover. as dark an example as it is, think of how some serial killers are notorious for leaving behind some sort of clue at the scene of the crime. 9 times out of 10 these clues ended up assisting the investigation and eventual capture of the criminal. why would they leave such clues if they truly did not want to even be caught? they use their clues to establish some sort of relationship or connection with their pursuers. its like saying "im going to do what i want and continue with my self destructive behavior unless you prove to me that im worth fighting for." im sure i dont have to elaborate even further to demonstrate my point. it wasnt until much later in my life that i realized my real purposes of cutting. i realized i was begging for attention, something every child desires from their parents no matter what their outward behavior suggests. at the time if my parents were to try and accuse me of that or even suggest that it could have been a motive to my actions i would have only been pushed farther away. so whatever you do, do not try to reason with your daughter as to what could be causing her to do this to herself. my advice as a past cutter who knows what its like to be left stranded, is to first and foremost make time for her, no matter what the cost. if it means having to take off work a couple nights, or tolerate a disgruntled husband/ex husband, or spend money that you dont have on a movie or dinner date, do it anyways. nothing is more important right now than the health of your daughter. instead of beginning a conversation with the topic, try suggesting a movie that youve been dying to see. most likely if you catch her off guard and directly ask why shes cutting herself, shes not going to be as willing to divulge such information. i think the best idea would be going to get some coffee together. its quiet, offers privacy, and you wont be too busy chewing to talk. talk to her like you normally would, and somehow graze the topic of schoolwork, plans for her future, etc - whatevers relevant enough but not too specific so as to leave your true intentions so blatantly exposed. in my opinion, i think that relating things in her life to yours or to what you had experienced at her age is a good way of leveling the plane between you two, so that its not so much of a mother daughter conversation as it is a friend to friend conversation. shell probably be more responsive than you think. and dont downplay her situation by inferring that its "just a phase" or "you went through the same thing and got over it". though these statements may be true, she hasn't the same perspective. shes still struggling; its only after the battle that we gain objective insight to the situation, if at all. instead, ask her why she thinks shes doing this. dont seem like you already know the answers, because you may very well not. never in any way come off as pretentious, condescending, authoritative, or threatening. the most important thing you can do for her is be a safe haven. she may not always come to you if she needs help, but if you establish a certain trust and consistency in your actions, shell always know in the back of her mind that should she need to, youll be someone she can always depend on when all else fails. when you guys finally begin to discuss her problems and whatnot, after asking for motive, ask her opinion on the subject of help. is this something she can handle alone? does she think a counselor could help? how long has she been feeling so desparate? if she says she can handle it on her own, take her word for it. but openly maintain that if she hasnt proven to you that its under control, you will get in touch with a therapist (that is if shes under 18 and you have the legal right as the parent). im so sorry for what youre going through. i know how hard it is to witness such anguish from a familymember for whom you take protective responsibility and to feel inately powerless in ceasing their pain. however, i do not have a child, and i am sure your inability to protect her is a completely different sense of helplessness. but know this: ultimately you may have no control over what she does to herself, but you are in a key position to substantially influence the outcome of her behavior. you have the potential to play a very key role during this ordeal. all you have to do is be available - and of course, very willing. if you have any concerns or questions or just want to talk more, feel free to pm me. good luck with everything. hope i could help:)

aestus76

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Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 4

If anyone is still following this post.... Posted: 04-02-08 04:45am


Renee, Like others have said, I don't know your exact situation either. However, maybe I can help if it is still a problem, as my best friend used to cut herself as well... "Lisa" was about fourteen when she started cutting herself (focusing on the arms). She also started drinking about that time, and I think that this made her think about her father. She felt really guilty that she hadn't treated her father very well before he suddenly died when she was twelve. When I first met Lisa, I never guessed that she had any problems. Even though she didn't have a father, she had a wonderful mother and three older sisters who treated her like a star. However, my first experience with alcohol did not involve my own drinking at all. Instead, I spent the night hiding knives and other sharp things from Lisa, who was "drunk" for one of the first times in her life. She would cut herself and put her father's ashes on her cuts. Now, this seems a little more extreme than what your daughter is going through, btu I wanted to emphasize the fact that Lisa did this because it was a way for her to escape a (very misunderstood) youthful conception of guilt and responsibility. Cutting herself was the one thing she could have control over. I guess it had been a habit for a while, because she hid it very well and had numerous slight scars on her arms. Interestingly, I think it was the whole "coming-of-age" experience of drinking that helped her out the most. Lisa was able to realize that she did have a problem, as she could no longer control anything she did. Once again, this was from a youthful dramatization of the meaning of life and what not, but it revealed to her friends that they needed to talk to her mother about it if Lisa wouldn't. In nsantora's post above, he had a great point of saying that you need to be the safe haven for your daughter. it is such a hard situation, because it scares you to death, and it makes you angry and frustrated, but venting those negative feelings can never help in this sort of situation. try just being her friend (which I am sure you are), but try to avoid the tendency of most parents of "cutters" that I have known to try and be the friend more than the parent in the relationship. i hope everything has worked out well for you....

ladyloop

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Joined: 01 Apr 2008
Posts: 4

Posted: 04-02-08 06:43am


I was pretty much your daughter aswell. And i hated when my mum would say "what did you to to your arm", references about crazyness and all that. I would much rather her say "do you want to talk about it", or simply reassure me that she's there for me whenever i need. I think that's how you could help your daughter, by support. She probably doesnt understand that it affects her Mum so terribly aswell, and is just using it for her own personal relief. =] hope this has helped, good luck.

Confused18

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Joined: 09 Apr 2008
Posts: 7
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Posted: 04-09-08 06:18am


As the other's who have commented here - I too have been in your daughters permission... Except my mother handled it completely wrong! - OR at least how I interpreted it to be wrong I had been cutting for around 6months before they found out and as soon as they found out they did daily checks on my arms - that doesn't help - I know you think it does, but don't. It IS a way of relieving ones pain and I know you probably don't approve of it, but instead of telling her downright that you don't think she should do it - give her other options? Tell her to cry, write it down in a diary, write a letter to you about what's really bothering her (she doesn't have to give it to you - she can burn it or cut it up)... I don't know you and I don't know her and I really don't know either of your situations.. But I know that how my parents handled it was probably the worst choice for me - they would not leave me alone for more than 10minutes at a time, they sent me to family councilling with them (when I felt that my problem was them) and they just treated me like I was insane and disturbed. I beg you - do NOT treat your daughter any differently, ask her normal questions and if you continue to feel worried about her then perhaps suggest councilling... Or if you know part of what is bothering her then try and solve it - if, as you said it is her father then perhaps talk to him about her spending less time with him... ? Again all this is based around my experience and I cannot pass judgement on how your daughter would respond to anything you do... But good luck

simplyinvalid

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Joined: 22 May 2008
Posts: 6

Posted: 05-23-08 00:14am


Hi Renee, I know this is an old post - I just wanted to send you good thoughts. I hope things have worked out okay. I was a self-harmer in the past and I just want to reassure you that often, self-harm is NOT a suicide attempt or even a sign of a person wanting to die... often it is used as a coping mechanism that allows the individual to survive and handle the pain and problems going on in their life. Obviously this doesn not apply to every individual, and depression (as it's often tied with self-harm) can affect suicidal thoughts... but self-harm is largely a coping mechanism and is a sign that the individual needs help finding healthy ways of dealing with issues. I know for me, it was easier for me to talk about my problems with someone other than my parents, because I felt that I had betrayed them, or I wasn't honest with them for fear of hurting them. The best advice I can give you is follow your daughter's lead on this one: she will recover only when she is ready. The best thing you can do for her is let her know that you love and support her, and make resources (literature, therapy, etc) available to her. Reassure her that you are not disappointed in her. Most importantly, understand that this is not something she can "get over" overnight - it will take time and effort and healing. Anyway.. this reply may be way behind the times... I wish you and your family the best!