Im 16 and well from the outside i would consider my life as great, i feel selfish because i have nothing that could be a reason for the state of mind im often in. I feel as if everyday i have to put on a show of happiness, that I cannot ever be myself otherwise people would find out that im an outsider. Ill be in a group of friends everyone will be laughing and well Ill be standing there wondering what Im supposed to do, sometimes cryin because I feel like I cant join in. Every morning i have troubling breathing because i feel as if I cant continue, my throat blocks and I stop breathing, it takes me a while to become calm again. Each day is a challenge and i ask myself when its going to end. I ask myself questions, existential question, i think all day about them, everything else seems unimportant, it seems they are the reason for my state of mind but i cant imagin life without them if someone even suggested for to stop thinking then i would rather die. Life would be tasteless. But my thinking has brought me to conclusions such as the nonexistence of god, the uselessness of life , the blackness of death(my belief is there is nothing absolutely nothing after), the evilness of humanity, the nonexistence of love... The more I think about us as human the more my digust grows, it is as if there was no hope for humanity that we were the worst living things on this earth and even trying to change would make no difference as we are trapped in our history , in the way we are. I just cant accept it, maybe my ideals are too high but ijust cant accept a world like ours but i already feel defeated as the real will never join my ideals. As my disgust of humanity grows so those my selfdisgust. I hate myself, the way I am , that I am so human, so evil .
The conclusions i come to might not be the right ones however they feel right and any other would feel as if I was lying to myself. Eventhough im sure others have felt the way I have in my surrounding it seems as if no one really cares about such things and well ive tried explaining to my friends how i felt but they call me pathetic. I even talked to my bestfriend about it, i was telling her about my hate for humanity sometimes, telling her about the shortstory of sartre erostratus how i could in someway relate to him the next thing she says is that I am a psychopath and that i want to shoot people, for a day she believed i think that i was evil and she said that she didnt want to be friends with me, she told all my friends of the thoughts i had and how I felt empathy to a murderer. I dont think she understands how much that has hurt me that evening when she called me a psychopath and that I was so strange I felt so alienated Ifelt like i couldnt be understood I nearly killed myself i feel so weak now. that one of my best friend can make me feel that way I feel like im going to fall the next time someone says such a thing, someone calls me strange or weird. I feel different from evryone but in a bad way and that way disgusts me aswell I cant really explain everything but Im in such a state of emotional distress I feel like I cant connect with anyone and that the more i disconnect from people the more im slipping away from life, Im scared to go to my room as my window looks so attractive sometimes, i feel like the easiest way would be to end it all, it would end my constant worrying, theses thoughts would stop this nonstop qustionning and never finding the answer, never being satisfied with an answer, my life seems so perfect but i am not happy, i have so many things but I cannot be happy i fell like i should die for that,
there are so many other things that are running through my mind all the time but the most reacurrent at the moment is of killing myself, i feel like i cant control myself sometimes, i feel pathetic by the way i feel but i cant control it
I dont know what to say maybe i should say help me but i feel as if i doomned anyway
i think it has already lightened the weight i was carrying just talking about it but i still feel so unstable as if depression was seeking me at every corner
I need advice i dont know what to do anymore