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Bisexual Relationship Woes... Help!! (Page 1)

I am 23yr old straight male, been great friends with my 25yr old 'bisexual' girlfriend for about 5 years and been together for 3 years. I was her first time (she has had a couple of other men since) and she told me that she also liked girls (every males dream come true, you'd think). She has never gone any further than kissing and touching another women, and admits to being slightly turned off by going any further (or so she says). She has deep crushes and emotional attachments to other women but claims to be "all mine" (her words). When we break up it is usually over her "mixed feelings" and my inability to understand them. I feel that there is an emotional barrier between us, that I can't commit to her without fear of being replaced by someone else who provides that emotional/psychological release she wants. Help! How can I just accept that she is who she is and love her despite or because of it? We are moving in together in a few weeks and I don't know if it is the right thing with all that is whirling in my head over this matter. Going by the previous experiences of the rest of the world, can such a relationship work without her "being with" a women as well as me? Can we be in a stable and committed relationship without her needing a "special friend?" please help me!
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replied February 15th, 2004
Experienced User
You already know the answer to your question - you are just looking for validation. Would you put up with your girlfriend having an emotional attachment with another guy or having a crush on another guy? No. Why would it being a girl be any different? She is probably confused right now and doesn't know whether she wants to be with a guy or with a girl. That is something she is slowly going to have to realize for herself. Its not fair that she is keeping you around and expecting you to understand while she is out experimenting and trying to find out who she is. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you.

Fyi - I am also bi. I would never expect a guy to put up with me wanting to be with him and also seeing a girl on the side. And I would never expect a girl to do the same either. If you are commited to one person you don't ask them to be tolerant of you having someone else on the side - girl or guy.
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replied February 17th, 2004
Thank you for your response. I don't think I was clear in my original post so I will try to clear some things up (not wanting to take away from the response).

If she had an emotional attachment to another male then I could handle it easier being that I feel I can offer her anything and everything she could want male-related. If it was an emotional attachment to a female I would not be in a position to compete with that in any gender-based way. As a male I have no doubt that I can provide for her needs, physical emotional financial etc, but not that extra female-to-female contact.

I don't doubt that she is confused about her sexuality, but I know she wants to be happy (we all do). I don't want her to be something she isn't for the sake of us being together. If she -cannot- be true to our relationship and committed 100% then we shouldn't be together. Can a bisexual plus heterosexual relationship work in the long run or will she feel untrue to herself? (responses from previous experience, if possible)

finally, she isn't as cruel as to keep me around while she's out on the town "experimenting" and finding herself (but that was a good point raised and a valid statement given the information provided), it is more that I feel like I am holding her back from being herself in some small way. I can't understand how she can be committed to a relationship that doesn't provide everything she feels she needs or desires due to her bisexuality.

Sorry for the long follow-up, I just need to be clear on some things as this is a really tough issue for me to deal with (normally keep these things to myself), and need the advice of people who have been through this or who understand what she is going through now.

Thank you for your response(s).
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replied October 25th, 2004
I am also bi. I think most women are bi/ bi curious but just because we admire and take interests in women does not mean we cannot commit to a man. I think if you talk openly and honestly about her feelings and she includes you in her choices you can make it work.
If you are okay with her experimenting, maybe she could include you and then you would understand. She may be going through a phase and will eventually choose, but for now if you love her, let her go through it and just keep talking about what you need from her and she from you, even if that is experiementing with her sexuality.
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replied May 24th, 2005
I too am also bisexual. I agree with teacherspet3569, you just need to talk openly and honestly and calmly to her about your feelings, thoughs, and needs, and allow her to do the same.

I too agree that if you are ok with experimenting, ask if you can be involved too, after all you are going to be living together, and it sounds like you care about her a lot. I am sure the two of you can work it out. I am going through the same kind of thing with my boyfriend. I flat out asked him if he would be ok in joining me in experimenting, and it has helped us out. He trusts me more too, because he now knows how I feel about the girls I am with because he can see it when we are together.

I have faith it will all work out well for you.
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replied June 14th, 2005
In the Same Boat
I'm in the same situation as sephiroth. I'm a 22 year old straight male, and I have a bisexual girlfriend. We've been together for a while now, and things have been great. We're incredibly happy with each other, we have a lot of common interests, and the sex is intense.


But last month I came to taiwan to study for three months, and we're starting to have problems. We talked every day for several hours, about anything and everything -- but when we talked about the future, we hit a snag. She said she wanted to have a girlfriend as well, that she missed 'doing stuff' with girls --

before being me, she had a really serious relationship with a girl, but she broke up with her because she wanted a husband, kids, a family -- and she couldn't have that with the girl.


But now she's asking me if i'd be okay with her making out with girls, hooking up with girls, having sex with girls -- I don't know if it's just for physical or emotional reasons that she wants that, but either way i'm really not okay with it.


I've been trying to rationalize this to myself for the longest time, and have been having a miserable time at it -- no matter how I look at it, it's still her in someone else's arms, sharing that intimacy. I feel like if we're this close, that she would only want me, that I would be the only one providing sexual and emotional pleasure.

Then she asked if I would be okay with it if I were in the room, but I don't know -- I just want us to be more secure and stable in our relationship before we try something like that. Right now I feel like i'm going to lose her or part of her to a girl. Does that make me selfish to want all of her? Either way, if we're going to try something like that, I wouldn't want to try it until we've been together longer and trust each other more. . .


So it comes down to this -- I want her and only her. But she wants me plus girlfriends on the side. Is it too harsh to ask her to give up girls to be with me? I know she's bisexual, but to me it feels like a relationship should exclude everyone else, until both parties are okay with trying something else.


As it stands now, we're still discussing this -- but i'm starting to lose faith. I don't want her to give up girls to be with me and be incredibly unhappy, but I don't want her to still have girls while being with me because I would be miserable.


What do you all think? Is my way of thinking skewed? Am I asking too much?
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replied June 14th, 2005
I think you may be asking too much, what if you never want to share her with anything you do? Just give her time and space, and you need your time alone and space as well, and if things are well just be open with her. Once you both feel secure in your relationship then try things with others, because you will knwo she is comming home to you and only you.
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replied June 16th, 2005
Mmm
Yeah, you're probably right. I guess right now it's just because it's long distance plus we haven't been together for long enough -- I just hope she can hold off until I get back and we can solidify our relationship before she goes and experiments. . . I don't want her doing it behind my back. . . That would be death to our relationship.

I just hope in the future we can be secure enough with each other (or more like -- me being secure with her) so that it would be okay.

I just can't help feeling that I want all of her. . . <sigh> I guess I really need to work on this then. . .
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replied June 16th, 2005
I don't know if it helps any but right now my boyfriend feels like you do right now. He wants to be ok with it but just can't. I told him I won't do anything until he is ready, and I just think you need to make sure your gf respects you enough that she will wait to do anything until after you are ok with it. Try to see if she will let you know when she is seeing other girls, it will help you both out. Her so she doesn't feel like she has to keep it from you, and you so you know what is going on with her. I told my bf I wouldn't do anything until he was ready, and that if he wanted he could be a part of my experience with other girls. In august we will be in a long distance relationship and right now I am just trying to get him to be ok with it all, and making sure I will be ok with it, and that he won't be there to make sure I am not doing anything behind his back so I need to be honest. It is hard for both male and female dealing with a bisexual in the relationship. I am confident that if you and I are open in our relationships everyone will feel better and the relationships we have with our significant other will become stronger.
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replied June 16th, 2005
That's reassuring to know that i'm not the only one like this -- when I talk to my friends, they're all like 'your girlfriend's bi!? That's awesome! Threesome!!'. . . But I just get this sour feeling in my stomach --

it's weird, sometimes I feel like maybe it would be okay in the future, but then I just start feeling like this, where it's just cheating! I really believe a solid relationship should consist of just two people -- a guy and a girl, or a guy and a guy, or a girl and a girl -- whatever the sexuality, it should still just be the two --

i understand she's bisexual. I understand i'm pretty much asking her to give up girls to be with me. But I just don't think she understands why I think it's wrong.

She keeps saying that she doesn't see anything wrong with it. She's not looking for a relationship with a girl -- but she just misses the closeness of the physical act with a girl. . . But isn't that what exclusive relationships are about? Realizing there are more important things than giving in to temptation? Sacrificing other pleasures to commit with a person you love?

She says 'you're the only guy I want', instead of 'you're the only one I want', and that just frustrates me to an incredible amount.

It comes down to a question of differing moralities. She thinks that I shouldn't have a problem with her having girlfriends as long as i'm the only guy she's with. But I believe that when two people are together, that should be enough -- if they're really right for each other -- all other pleasures and temptations should dim in comparison. . .

And now she's hanging out with another bisexual girl (and has commented on her attractiveness) who is eager to try something with girls. My girlfriend is starting to spend all of her time with her. . . And we're starting to communicate less and less. . . I'm not even there to remind her of what we have, and I won't be for another few months. . . And she keeps talking about wanting to experiment. The way this is going, I don't know if we're going to last the rest of the summer.
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replied November 3rd, 2005
Bi-relationship Follow-up
I was wondering how things are working out with laryang982 and others in relationships with a bi girl and straight guy? I have been in such a relationship for 8 years. We have been married for 6 years. It has been incredibly difficult for most of the time. We tried a threesome because it seemed like that may be ok with both of us. It caused more stress due to jealousy by my wife. We separated because she wanted to be with a girl. We got back togoether because we both realized that we love each other. Things have smoothed over for the last 2 years, but I always wonder when the next time will arise that she will feel like she wants, or needs, to be with a woman.
Unless you are in such a relationship, it is hard to explain it. My wife did not choose to be this way and I know since day 1 that she was bi. She is the most intelligent, loving, interesting woman I have ever met, so I have accepted all of her traits. So we will keep going and hope for the best. It is work, and open honest communication has been the key for us.
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replied August 8th, 2006
Hey guys! I stumbled upon this forum looking for a way to resolve my current problem. I'm gay and i'm going out w/ a bi guy. We've been going out for a year and a half. A few weeks ago he messed around (no sex involved) with two girls, one is a coworker. When he told him I got angry and said that we were over. Then the next day, thinking that he would never get me back, decided to have sex with his coworker (girl who is also bi). What hurt me most was that he didn't try to maybe try to talk to me before doing it. Another issue I had was that his coworker was a friend of mine and I thought she would at least try to get my bf and I to work things out and see if we could get back together. To make a story short, my bf and I are back together but things are still cloudy. We view sex differently. To me it is part of love and should be only shared between a couple. But he sees it different that a person can love someone and still be open to have a "no string attach" sex with someone else. I have a hard time accepting this because I always believe and want a monogomous relationship. This is probably due to the fact that my dad always cheated on my mom and it pained me to see that happen to her. Anyways, I have a hard time getting the images of him and her having sex out of my mind and I fear that I will lose him. He says that won't happen but it scares me to know that he might lose interest and move on. I'm glad I found this site coz at least I know i'm not the only one with this problem.
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replied August 8th, 2006
Experienced User
You asked for advivce from someone who is in the same boat as you.
While I am far from being in this situation, I still want to give my opinion on the situation.

I think your girl friend's true love is women. She is only with you because she wants to follow the "norm" of society and go with a guy. She might even have some love for you. But its probably not the same love that you would get from a heterosexual girl. I dont think you will ever be able to fulfill her true desires. Your best bet is keeping her as a great friend but finding someone who loves you and is not bi.
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replied September 23rd, 2009
Same Boat as You All
I've been with to my wife for 17 years. She was 19 and I was 20 when we married. She revealed to me that she was bi-sexual/bi-curious about three years into our marriage. She has never acted on her feelings until now. About 4 years ago, I had an affair. Since then we've been repairing our marriage. Now that we seem to be doing better she has started to go out with other women. She says that they are friends until she says differently, and I believe that, but I feel I owe her time and space to find out what she really wants, but I'm having trouble being detached from my feelings. I'm afraid to lose my wife!! What if she finds that she wants to be with another woman and not me or what if she wants me and her girlfriend?? We've always done everything together, but now I'm having to wait while she goes out in the bi-world without me and finds herself and what she wants. I feel like I'm drowning, trying to support hers needs and ignoring my own feelings. I want to tell her how I really feel but then I really wouldn't be supporting her needs. We communicate well but because of my past affair, I feel I owe her this time and space because she has always supported me in my dreams and aspirations and I know this is what she needs right now and I want ,more than anything, for her to be truly happy ,with or without me, but I thought early on in our marriage that her bi-sexuality was okay, even though she never acted on it, but after being with her so long and now the actual experience surfaces, I don't know how to tell her that I don't want a bi-sexual wife. I love her and I don't want to share her with anybody. I feel like such a hypocrite!! But we married very young and since then my feelings for her have grown and matured. She seems to be emotionally fine but I'm a wreck waiting to happen but I hide it from her!! I don't sleep as much as I used to and I feel like I'm sacrificing losing myself to allow her to find herself. I can't talk to anybody I know about this, any advice you all have might help.
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replied October 7th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Bluezone
Unfortunately you're in a hard place to demand monogamy. You are agonizing about this but realize that your wife dealt with the same emotional pain through your affair. I will say that I don't think letting her have romantic laisans without you is for the good of your marriage and that exploring her bisexuality isn't something she should be doing inside of the relationship. Bisexuality isn't the opposite of monogamy. You're attracted to other women too, why would your desire to be with women outside of your marriage be abominable but her dating other girls somehow acceptable? As a matter of respect for your marriage you need to follow the same rules regardless of your sexual preference.

Talk with her, be really honest about how this is making you feel. She dealt with the same fears of losing you and feelings of inadequacy that you're feeling now, she should be able to understand.
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replied May 16th, 2010
Bisexual Relations
Hi All, just the entire thread and felt a little relief to find similar problems out here and interesting and valuable suggestions to the same.

I have a little different stroy to say, indeed vice versa, that am a girl and have relation with a bisexual guy. We have been together since 10 yrs now, but his preferences were out in front of us only in last 3-4 yrs. Infact, he himself wasnt aware of the same, though he used to like the company of guys inspite of me having with him. But, we both thought that its only because of mental understanding that he wants guys. But, untill he found a gay guy around 4 yrs back that he realised that he is a bisexual.
He disclosed the entire matter to me, and as we are very close freinds more than a couple, I had an internal call to understand him and be with his side. And, in breif we had decent relation, but lots of ups n downs due to his preferences . He cant gimme 100%, but cant leave me as well, but I cant accept him with anyone else...so the things went into a vicious circle. But, feel a strong bond with ourselves, thats why we have been together no matter what.

Now, 2 months back he shifted with his guy, and did ask my opinion for the same and i agreed. I agreed for the reason that this experiment of his, would make him clear in terms of what he wants. As he knows that i cant resist him being with anyone else be it a guy or girl, as for me its relationship which matter. So, before we plan to marry, he wants to be clear with what he wants, as he is very loyal and dont want to end up marrying me and either go around with a guy and hurt me or hurt his own self. So, we mutually agreed for this experiment for total of aorund 6 months, so that we both can reach to a conclusion either side, to marry or not to marry.

And, we are not in touch with each other since last 2 months. But, as we are the most comfortable and attached with each other we do meet and talk sometimes, but only as feinds. Also, he has given me direct and indirect intimiations that I should not find any other guy and wait for him, as he would come back.

But, for me its always been a very very difficult situation to handle. And, I feel that in this relation, am the one who gets more hurt, being lonely, being insecured, being unsatisfied (majorly emotionally). Am more emotionally attached to him, and dont know inspite of knowing all these and getting hurt all these way, I still feel a strong bond with him. I actually forget everything of concern when am with him, but few meeting leaves me unsatisfied and hurted. But, he understand me complately like no one else, and is always true and open, may be thats why am close to him.

I dont know, whether what am doing is right or wrong. Since last 2 months, have been very vulnerable staying alone, feeling lonely and insecured all my way. Dont know, when he comes back to me whether should i trust him on his commitment to be with me without any other guy in our life. (as i feel that later also, there would be a situation where he feels a need of a uy, then either he would go ahead and I would be left hurted or he doesnt go ahead and he would be left hurted.

Shall I just be more patient, or shall I leave rite now. We need to decide for marriage this year, as we both are 28 yrs old!!!!!

P.S. Sorry for a long note, but the backgournd was required for a better suggestion!
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replied May 16th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Your boyfriend got by for 28 years without sex with men, it's healthy that he looks at that part of himself before entering a lifelong commitment with you as part of taking stock of who he is and whether he's committed to you but being bisexual isn't licence to have sex with multiple partners. When he commits to you, you have all the reasonable expectation of monogamy that you would from a heterosexual man.

You may have known this man for 10 years but you're essentially going to meet him for the first time when this 6 months is over. Pursue or give up on him based on your own ability to trust and love him but don't marry him because you're both 28. I assure you no matter what you've been told they'll issue you a marriage licence at 30. Give yourself another year after he returns to be sure you're ready for this commitment with him.
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replied May 17th, 2010
Hey, Thanks! I am pretty releived! Thats what exactly am doing these days, as am not in regular touch with him these days (just few freindly call sometimes), am just spending sometime with myself to understand what I want. Though going through an emtoional turbulence sometimes, but hoping to hear from him sometime soon.

I agree, that after he comes back also I should think over the idea of commitment and marriage. And yes, in a way we both want monogamous relation, thats why he is just being with that guy and not with me.

But, what concerns me is
1) dont know what process of thinking I will be into when he comes back after 6 months (although he makes an effort to be in touch with me so as to know whats happening at my end, but still I would be a pretty changed person by then)
2) dont know how he would react to my taking time or something like that
3) I wish i dont become a tough person facing all these emtotions alone
4) As of now, he directly has asked me not look for another guy, and I myself am not looking for anyone. But, am scared if in these months something happens at my end, as am very emotional and vulenrable at this time, and how would I behave and how would he react????
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replied May 17th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
He's having sex with someone else and completely unavailable to support you. It isn't reasonable for you to remain monogamous to him. Live your life, take care of what you need, deal with what you'll feel in six months six months from now.
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replied August 13th, 2010
All these post and replies are telling alot. Bi sexuallity is all over the place. I am happy to see that relationships do move on up in life. ts a hard thing to do but look at all these and you will see more and understand more. Im a guy and im in the same shoes s most of you with my GF. She told me me was treated really bad by her ex and she only had her friends for support. Soon the support opened up her eyes to experimenting. Now im the o she goes to forsupport but i dont have that female spport that she once had. She said that she ony kisses them ad nothing else. It hurts to hear that but i still will never cheat on her. Its love and respect for feelings. Its tough i wanted to kill myself because i was hurtin inside but knowing theres others out there who made it, helped me alot. I hope to have her full attention but i have to earn her trust and that means alot more hurting for me. Im ready because we are engaged and hope to see the future and our marriage. If we get married then i had won her trust and thats where im moving too. If i dont then im wishing her luck and support her still. If the relationship hs to be given up then im stillhappy to have known and loved her. It really will make me a better man. But if there is anyone who thinks im headeding the wrong waythen pease help me out with info. I need to hear more from a women side.
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