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Not feeling so great at the moment.
I have a feeling im depressed and have been for quite some time.
About 5 years to be exact.
Feeling at an ll time low at the moment, All my mates hate me for arguing with a friend over a lad.. who im now with and don't even like anymore.
They are al against me... I have a !**@! life as it is. Doesn;t seem like much point in carrying on, I have tried suicide before.. ive lost count how many times.
I think I need help! Sad
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replied March 17th, 2007
this is a long post, and im sorry if i come off blunt, but thats just me. no bs. ive dealt with depression all my life and have a lot of experience in the issue of mental health and such. plus im like a genius. (sarcasm?) so yea, heres my point of view and if you dont like it, well thats ok. but if you do, thats great too. and if you need to talk or have any comments or questions im a good person to seek out - ive lived a very tedious life (i consider tedious a euphomism) and ive seen things no one should, but that doesnt make me special or superior, it just helps in the advice giving department. my life experience combined with my no b.s. attitude are what help me to help other people.

depression itself is confusing for many. number one, specific events dont necessarily have to cause it - its more than just being sad, its a physical chemical imbalance. well technically not an imbalance, moreso certain neurons that aren't being properly stored long enough before being released, yadda yadda whatever...but the point is that while traumatic events can lead to depression, they are not the sole reason. if you seriously think you have been depressed for 5 years, think hard about your behavior patterns within those years. having depression isnt waking up and being sad because your friends are mad at you for whatever reason. depression is waking up and wishing you hadnt - for no specific reason at all. everything hurts and when youre asked to point to which hurts the most, you cant. theres no sense to it, you just do. the longer that time goes by without treatment, the worse it gets. the more isolated and disclosed you are from others, most of all your family and friends - the ones you love the most.

so yea with that tangent being said, if you feel you could be diagnosed with depression then seek psychiatric help immediately - they can evaluate you theirselves and take it from there. one of the hardest things to accept in the process is the idea of having to take a pill everyday to be normal like those around you appear to be. but mental differences, as i like to call them, are often misconstrued as fabrication or weakness because its not something easily seen. i like to think of it as when you see a diabetic who everyday has to check their blood sugar levels and take the appropriate measures. you wouldnt see them and think theyre weak would you? no, its a disease that they will have to deal with for the rest of their life. thats how i think of depression - every day is a challenge, but its one worth fighting. its something thats out of your control, and treating it isnt weak, rather pretending the problem doesnt exist is.

the thing about suicide is ( and im sure ill get arguments back for this) that if you attempt once and failed, chances are you really didnt want to do it in the first place. i mean aside from taking a bullet to your head and somehow the bullet didnt penetrate through your brain and exited on an angle or whatever, ya know !**@! in the movies. but for the most part, if you a.) attempted suicide and failed and/or b.) told other people (friends, family, online forum, etc.) that you have tried multiple times, then what youre truthfully looking for isnt an end to your life. what youre looking for is someone to reach out to you, someone to care about you the way you want to be cared about. dont take this as the whole phrase "you do it for attention" or whatever because thats not what it is. as a species, human beings are one of the many that function best with other people. we are not instinctively loners; we are always searching for the comfort of companionship, be it friendships or romances. the connections we make with others are what drive us to wake up everyday. human interaction is necessary; not one person can survive without it. all of us in our own ways, chemically imbalanced or not, ultimately are searching for someone to care enough to break down the barriers weve put up. we want to hit rock bottom so that we can feel something and arent so numb anymore, and along with that we also are vainly hoping that someone will see it and help pull us out of it. someone will care enough to say hey, wake the f up buddy and pull yourself together. though this aid, if it comes at all, is in no way as easy as one or two sentences of encouragement, but thats the point. we push them away even further so that when they find their easy attempts failing, theyll try to pursue even further instead of dropping their hands and walking away. its a test: to see who out there cares enough, and exactly how much do they care. will they help me when i dont ask for it but they know i need it?

sorry about that long tangent...i guess what im trying to say is take a step back and rethink your actions up to this point and try to take an objective point of view as to some possible reasonings that could have factored into the making of those decisions. from personal experience i can say that when you are in your darkest moments, the last thing thats ever going to help is the sugar coated sympathy; for people to come on here and post a reply and say "im so sorry about what you're going through, but i know you'll make it. just stay positive and try to work things out." though compassionate and completely accredited, this advice isnt whats going to stick in your mind and help you out. its easy to say hey think positively when youve never been in the poisiton where positivity was seemingly lightyears out of your reach. easier said than done, as they say. i know after i finally got better, i looked back at those moments where i didnt do things i normally would and regretted so much. there were so many days out of my life wasted because of my disease and ill never get them back. who knows if theres a heaven or a hell or even a god, but to live by savoring each day and being appreciative that youre a human instead of, i dont know, a house fly, is what makes the difference. living our experience on this earth is all we know, everything else is pure blind faith. make the most out of what you KNOW - so that no matter what results, you can look back and say you lived it the best you could.
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replied March 17th, 2007
Supporter
Nsantora36,
Excellent posting. Depression is an illness, and needing or wanting that one (or more) person to truly, deeply care for us is right on. Thank you. Oh, and there is a heaven and hell and especially a God!

God bless...
Carol
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replied March 17th, 2007
Only one friend knows how i feel,i dont like to talk about it really.
It all began when i was about 14.
Between the ages of 14 and 16, I got raped 3 time ans sexually abused about 6 times by "friends"
I suppose thats what started it. I pretty much NEVER talk to anyone about that.I have flashbacks frequently about it.
I say i've tried attempting suicde.. normally via overdose, on average i take at last 20 pills, with no effect except drowsiness..
I've bee told to see myb doctor but I woukdnt know where to start with him.
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replied March 17th, 2007
i can relate. it started when i was 10-ish and didnt stop until i was about 14. my brother, a year and 10 months older than i, was molesting me, and then to top i off would make me feel guilty for even thinking about telling a soul. i told my mother finally about 2 years into the abuse, but the reaction i got was not one that most parents would give. sure my dad talked to him and changed the lock on my door, but that didnt do anything. not only did they neglect him by failing to recognize that he had issues that needed to be dealt with, but they neglected me by not consoling me or telling me it wasnt my fault. for years i never even thought about it anymore because i was convinced early on that it wasnt a big deal, until i began to be sexually active started to become haunted by things i never thought about.

the suicide attempts you described with overdosing on pills is proof of my reasoning on the issue. if you truly wanted to kill yourself, taking a bunch of pills that just make you drowsy isnt what you would do. because in that period of desperation, you would think to yourself "you know, even if i take the right amount and the right combination, someone could walk in or see me and all i would need is a stomach pump." taking a bunch of pills is too risky b/c surviving is a very likely outcome. plus, if you really wanted to kill yourself you certainly wouldnt be posting online asking strangers for help or advice. im not trying to be condescending or have an attitude with you, im just hoping that recognizing this reasoning will help you see that help is ultimately what you need, and it doesnt come in a bottle of tylenol pm's. therapy is a very gradual process, but coupled with proper medication (which in itself can be a long process to find what works best for you) it can be just what you need. i know for me it was.

do i still get flashbacks about my past? of course. do i still resent my parents and brother for their betrayal? certainly. but i live my life knowing that its just one item on a list of challenges i face everyday, and im better than the actions of those who were supposed to be my family. pain caused by the ones who you thought had your best interest at heart is the worst kind. i talk to them still and love them very much, but there will forever be a wall between us - i wont let them hurt me again. and i feel sorry for them. if i were to go on with life letting what happened to me control and consume my thoughts and actions, i would be the only one affected. their mistakes will ones they will have to live with forever and if they dont recognize them then theyre worse off than they lead others to believe. ive come to terms with myself and can say with confidence that ive done the best i could, but theyre not as strong as i am. instead of letting myself be a victim of others mistakes, i live for no one but myself and even if they never understand the severity of the scars theyve left me, i know that they too are in pain and are unhappy with themselves. i guess thats punishment enough?

im only healthy now because of my years of treatment. seek it, you obviously want it. taking care of yourself is the first step, and the most important. only YOU have your best interest at heart.
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replied March 17th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
It sounds alot like post traumatic stress syndrome. It needs to be addressed asap. Mine turned into social anxiety. You should be on antidepressants. And most importantly, you should be seeing a counselor. What you have been through will not just go away. You need to take care of yourself.

You are worth it and you do not need to be going through this alone. If you need to talk to anyone feel free to pm me. We are all here for you. Keep us posted.
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