Ok,

I have to tell a few details about the events leading up to what happened, what I discovered about my body, last night.

Yesterday was thursday. On saturday, I went to a party, and I drank a lot of alcohol. A lot. And that's bad, I know, sorry. Because I was drunk, I lost control of myself, and I ate a lot of cheese. More cheese than anyone could imagine. It was so, so good. It was called Havarti. It's like cheddar. I love it. I ate all the cheese on the table and no one said anything because I was drunk.

Also, at the party, there was a lot of smoke, and starting the next morning, I developed a wet, gross-sounding cough. I'm not sure if that's related. I still have the cough.

Oh, and it was raining when I left and I had no jacket, so maybe I caught a cold?

Regardless, last night I was sitting on the couch and watching this movie, Annie Hall, and I scratched my chest and then noticed my hand smelled weird.

So later on I went to take a shower and I noticed this little white bump on my chest. It was hard to notice because I have a little hair on my chest (i'm a guy, it's ok). I scratched it and noticed another white bump right next to it.

I leaned into the mirror and watched closely. I realized the little white specks were on top of a bump, like a big pimple, but it wasn't red or painful or anything. I poked it with my finger and a HUGE JET OF WHITE CREAM SHOT OUT!!! It was like if you stomped on a tube of toothpaste, or mashed on the spaghetti maker play-dough toy really hard ... just a gross string of cream being squished out and folding over onto itself in a giant, disgusting ball.

It smelled exactly like cheese. Like gross, funky cheese.

I believe a few theories may come to bear on what happened:

1) "You are what you eat!" is true. I am, therefore, a cheese man.

2) The cheese, in copious quantity, could not be digested within 4 days. It is being stored in my body and I will continue to find new pockets of it in its pure form. Cannibals rejoice.

3) Ironic Karma. Hey, I'm evil, maybe I'm going to become a cow because karma is ironic (karma is supposed to make cows out of non-evil people).

4) Someone has injected me with cheese during my sleep.

5) I am suffering some odd affliction whereupon bacteria, fungus, or mold that coincidentally smells almost delicious has begun growing in my flesh.


Please help.

Also, any girls got something like this but with wine? Or crackers? Let's meet.