dont feel "pathetic" for saying you cut yourself for attention. actually that admittance was far from pathetic; it was incredibly courageous and honest. if you can be honest with yourself about your true motives and intentions, then youre one step ahead of the game. i used to cut myself a lot, and i knew it wasnt to kill myself. and i felt pathetic. i felt weak thinking that i might be doing it for attention or that i wasnt as sad as i made it out to be. but the fact that i did do it for attention wasnt weak, but common. the pain i felt from cutting was a release; a temporary cure to the numbness. like someone had given me a shot of adrenaline to wake me up from my overdose stupor. i found over time with treatment, that release became no longer needed. now i usually dont even think about it - even in my most depressed moments, ill toy with the idea then decide against it because even thinking about it doesnt give me any satisfaction anymore. it sounds like in your case, what you want is attention - its what you need. youre looking for help; trying to give a wake up call to those around you so as to say "hey i wont be here forever, dont take me for granted." and in return you want someone to come back and hold you, whatever that may mean for you. thats okay - its normal, not weak or pathetic or childish. we all do it in our own ways., we all test each other to measure how far someone would actually go for you given a certain circumstance. but not only to see if they care when youre upset, but to see if that apparent sincerity is consistent throughout. to see if theyre showing concern isnt just to make themselves feel better for "helping". if you have found that no one is seeing you, the one albino sitting in at the apollo theatre, then your methods need changing. besides, the kind of attention received by cutting yourself isnt the kind you want. try reaching out to someone if at all possible and tell them how unappreciated you feel. if they dont get the message, then be content that you did all you could, and know sometime in the future your day will come and youll find somebody that sets the standard. with a bagillion gazillion people on this world, its impossible that there isnt even one that might enjoy your company.
i disagree about the finding new friends advice. ive dealt with that my whole life - being around people who only seem to care when its convenient for them. you cant blame them, either. some of us put barriers up that we dont realize, and people catch onto that subconsciously. its like they know theres something going on, and whether they care or not isnt the issue at hand, the issue is thats its hard for many people to recognize the situation and make a conscious effort to reach out to you. chances could be that any group of friends you find will react similarly. and its not a personal knock against you either. you can do one of two things: accept and be content with the fact that few people will reach out more than most and fully appreciate the ones that do, or you can try to make yourself less impervious. dont lie and grin when youre in pain, that just perpetuates any emptiness you feel. instead, seek out someone who you feel you trust the most or might be the slightest empathetic to you. without much detail, tell them youre sad and need someone to talk to or that if youre in a bad mood to please be understanding. once you do that, youve put a small dent in the wall you use to separate yourself. everytime you confide in someone, it gets tiny bit easier everytime. what started out as uncomfortable or embarrassing will soon turn into something comforting. and likewise, the more you lock those emotions in to yourself the more likely theyll stay there forever.
on top of all the crap that goes with dealing with other people, youre in a school setting - whether its middle school or high school or whatever, it can never ever be compared to the kind of relationships you will have in the life that follows. theres still games and king of the hill competitions, but youre more likely to find someone who cares about you that isnt otherwise convinced by their clique to not hang out with you or doesnt feel threatened by someone taking away their lime light. understand that those who treat you with disrespect or who dont even treat you at all are likely suffering from similar adolescence - induced anxieties. there are some people in this world who only thrive on making others recognize their superiority no matter who it is. have faith that while it seems it will be forever until you graduate from high school, its barely a fraction of the rest of your life. see it through and make it out on the other side because its worth it, that i promise you. i dont know if this helped but if you need to talk you can pm me as well.
