Oye, Women

Alright, here's the deal:

I've got problems with women. With love, with dating, attraction, everything.

I've gone out with one girl in my life and she wa the one who came to me and asked me to go out with her. (It's a long story and we were both just hitting puberty, and well..yeah. That was a unique case and I sincerely doubt anything like that is going to happen to me again.)
Anyways, I'm here thinking what's wrong with me?
And I'd like some input.

K, so.

I'm 19.
I've never been romantically or sexually involved with anyone since my first girlfriend when I was 14.
(I know I'm in no position to be complaining when there are 40-50 year olds who've never even been involved with anyone..) But still, I fear I might end up like that.

It's already been 5 years. And still going.
It alternately seems like every girl I get interested in, I either turn them off by making an ass of myself being such a "nice guy" and a doormat, or I act like a prudish !**@! around them and make it seem like I'm some kind of gay choir boy virgin mysoginist who doesn't want to have anything to do with them.

And I guess I have had problems with staring at people, when I was younger. and now because of that problem, I try to avoid eye contact with everyone...

I'm not completely stupid, but I find it really really really difficult in any situation at any time to detect when someone is trying to make a romantic or sexual advance on me. And when I do realize, it's usually far too late to act on this knowledge.

I try to "hit on" chicks, and I end up making such an ass of myself in the process that I feel a tremendous inclination to crawl into a cold cave and die of humiliation. Or of self-strangulation.
It really really bothers me how inept I am at picking up social clues like body language, mannerisms of speech or even just speech itself.

I'm not slow. Or at least I'd like to think I'm not slow. In my group of friends, I'm the 'Smooth talker" the one who can really talk everyone out of a crappy situation when called upon to do so...
But that makes me all the more frustrated. I am persuasive and attentive, but it seems like the one field l'd like to be able to use that skill, I can't! In fact I fail. I just fail!

I don't know how to elaborate any further.
I meet a girl I'm into and it seems like she's into me and I can never find a time or opportunity to take the relationship further than friendship. I like most guys who are frustrated on this site, fall into that god d'amned "friend" category for women...(Which has the implication of "dying a virgin", for those of you who aren't accustomed to being as socially handicapped as people like me. ><)

I don't know how to do anything about this. I know there are plenty of "nice girls" who like "nice guys'. Though I know something else. "Nice girls who are really into "nice" guys are usually really desperate.)
OKay, so maybe my standards are a problem.
But if I'm not attracted to a girl, there's notthing there.

This wouldn't bother me if I were more of a seductionist, but I can't seduce my way out of a bloody paper bag. My most valiant attempts at wooing any girl's pants off have found me walking home alone, being laughed at, still drunk.

I don't really care. I'm pretty desperate.
I've lost so much will to even go out because seeminly every girl I'm attracted to and can stand being near is either taken or turns out to be a huge !**@! that condescends to me and throws the label of "geeky virgin loser trying too hard" onto me before I can shake the reputation I have.

All of my more "experienced' guy friends treat me like a little brother, with a whole kind of "you'll learn some day, buddy" attitude.
I'm really appreciative of that.

All my "non experienced" friends laugh at my fruitless attempts to get some lovin', and tell me things like "You'll never get any p_ssy!"

And what can I do? It's not a total degradation of my ego to go to one of my friends, asking for "tips", or anything. *sarcasm*
And it's not like they're very willing to help me out either.
I have plenty of friends that are girls.
And it KILLS my confidence to watch them make out with guys who are more confident and less self conscious than I am.

part of the problem was that I tried to think too much about what girls were thinking. That alone is a major error I'm still trying to correct.
I know that most guys can and will never be able to tell quite what a girl is thinking. But if I don't do that, what else will I do?
I don't know how to work wit the moment, or loosen up.

I don't have a confidence problem. I have an awkawardness problem. All of my sexual advances in the past have been alternately rejected, ignored, or laughed off as if they weren't even serious....Or I was drunk.
There's another thing I shouldn't have done.
Hitting on someoen when really drunk.
But that's a problem I've dealt with.

what I really need is someone's advice.
I can't get a girl for the life of me and the problem is dominating my throughts. I go to class and i see guys kicking back and working magic, I go to parties and watch the same, I see people dating and see how easy some guys can pull it off.

I can't put enough emphasis on how much this bothers me. I know it shouldn't, but there's something..Some factor that's compltely screwing it up, and I'm wonder if someone could advise me as to what it could be?

(And for those of you prostitute gonna say what I think you're going to say: No, I don't talk in person nearly as much as I write or type.)

I try not to be "too polite" i Try not to be... a doormat around women, but seeing as they hate guys who are pricks, and that I have a sense of humor that most people just don't pick up on really quickly, what do I do? I'm honest, i'm open and I d'amn well say what's on my mind.
what is it about me that's so unattractive?
I'm not that bad looking.
I have a nose that's a little bigger than the "norm".
I have curly hair that looks sorta goofy,
and my face is sorta red sometimes.
I'm about 5'11'' and weigh about 145 pounds.
I don't have acne or anything repugnant like that...(Though I used to.)

I don't walk with bad posture, I don't have any mental illnesses.. (that I know of hahahha)

I'm pretty athletic.

Well, another part of the prolem (mentioned this before), is that I have difficulty detecting when someone is making an advance on me. I've been shown by some at times, that they are attracte to me, but at the times this does happen, I'm usually not able to think up something to do in reply.


Any advice, comments, (flames? Not really but if you REALLY want to...), anything would be apreciated and considered.

Thanks.

cheers.