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Q: Oye, Women
asked by:
spectermonkey
Experienced User
I've got problems with women. With love, with dating, attraction, everything.
I've gone out with one girl in my life and she wa the one who came to me and asked me to go out with her. (It's a long story and we were both just hitting puberty, and well..yeah. That was a unique case and I sincerely doubt anything like that is going to happen to me again.)
Anyways, I'm here thinking what's wrong with me?
And I'd like some input.
K, so.
I'm 19.
I've never been romantically or sexually involved with anyone since my first girlfriend when I was 14.
(I know I'm in no position to be complaining when there are 40-50 year olds who've never even been involved with anyone..) But still, I fear I might end up like that.
It's already been 5 years. And still going.
It alternately seems like every girl I get interested in, I either turn them off by making an ass of myself being such a "nice guy" and a doormat, or I act like a prudish human around them and make it seem like I'm some kind of gay choir boy virgin mysoginist who doesn't want to have anything to do with them.
And I guess I have had problems with staring at people, when I was younger. and now because of that problem, I try to avoid eye contact with everyone...
I'm not completely stupid, but I find it really really really difficult in any situation at any time to detect when someone is trying to make a romantic or sexual advance on me. And when I do realize, it's usually far too late to act on this knowledge.
I try to "hit on" chicks, and I end up making such an ass of myself in the process that I feel a tremendous inclination to crawl into a cold cave and die of humiliation. Or of self-strangulation.
It really really bothers me how inept I am at picking up social clues like body language, mannerisms of speech or even just speech itself.
I'm not slow. Or at least I'd like to think I'm not slow. In my group of friends, I'm the 'Smooth talker" the one who can really talk everyone out of a crappy situation when called upon to do so...
But that makes me all the more frustrated. I am persuasive and attentive, but it seems like the one field l'd like to be able to use that skill, I can't! In fact I fail. I just fail!
I don't know how to elaborate any further.
I meet a girl I'm into and it seems like she's into me and I can never find a time or opportunity to take the relationship further than friendship. I like most guys who are frustrated on this site, fall into that god d'amned "friend" category for women...(Which has the implication of "dying a virgin", for those of you who aren't accustomed to being as socially handicapped as people like me. ><)
I don't know how to do anything about this. I know there are plenty of "nice girls" who like "nice guys'. Though I know something else. "Nice girls who are really into "nice" guys are usually really desperate.)
OKay, so maybe my standards are a problem.
But if I'm not attracted to a girl, there's notthing there.
This wouldn't bother me if I were more of a seductionist, but I can't seduce my way out of a bloody paper bag. My most valiant attempts at wooing any girl's pants off have found me walking home alone, being laughed at, still drunk.
I don't really care. I'm pretty desperate.
I've lost so much will to even go out because seeminly every girl I'm attracted to and can stand being near is either taken or turns out to be a huge health forum that condescends to me and throws the label of "geeky virgin loser trying too hard" onto me before I can shake the reputation I have.
All of my more "experienced' guy friends treat me like a little brother, with a whole kind of "you'll learn some day, buddy" attitude.
I'm really appreciative of that.
All my "non experienced" friends laugh at my fruitless attempts to get some lovin', and tell me things like "You'll never get any p_ssy!"
And what can I do? It's not a total degradation of my ego to go to one of my friends, asking for "tips", or anything. *sarcasm*
And it's not like they're very willing to help me out either.
I have plenty of friends that are girls.
And it KILLS my confidence to watch them make out with guys who are more confident and less self conscious than I am.
part of the problem was that I tried to think too much about what girls were thinking. That alone is a major error I'm still trying to correct.
I know that most guys can and will never be able to tell quite what a girl is thinking. But if I don't do that, what else will I do?
I don't know how to work wit the moment, or loosen up.
I don't have a confidence problem. I have an awkawardness problem. All of my sexual advances in the past have been alternately rejected, ignored, or laughed off as if they weren't even serious....Or I was drunk.
There's another thing I shouldn't have done.
Hitting on someoen when really drunk.
But that's a problem I've dealt with.
what I really need is someone's advice.
I can't get a girl for the life of me and the problem is dominating my throughts. I go to class and i see guys kicking back and working magic, I go to parties and watch the same, I see people dating and see how easy some guys can pull it off.
I can't put enough emphasis on how much this bothers me. I know it shouldn't, but there's something..Some factor that's compltely screwing it up, and I'm wonder if someone could advise me as to what it could be?
(And for those of you prostitute gonna say what I think you're going to say: No, I don't talk in person nearly as much as I write or type.)
I try not to be "too polite" i Try not to be... a doormat around women, but seeing as they hate guys who are pricks, and that I have a sense of humor that most people just don't pick up on really quickly, what do I do? I'm honest, i'm open and I d'amn well say what's on my mind.
what is it about me that's so unattractive?
I'm not that bad looking.
I have a nose that's a little bigger than the "norm".
I have curly hair that looks sorta goofy,
and my face is sorta red sometimes.
I'm about 5'11'' and weigh about 145 pounds.
I don't have acne or anything repugnant like that...(Though I used to.)
I don't walk with bad posture, I don't have any mental illnesses.. (that I know of hahahha)
I'm pretty athletic.
Well, another part of the prolem (mentioned this before), is that I have difficulty detecting when someone is making an advance on me. I've been shown by some at times, that they are attracte to me, but at the times this does happen, I'm usually not able to think up something to do in reply.
Any advice, comments, (flames? Not really but if you REALLY want to...), anything would be apreciated and considered.
Thanks.
cheers.
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Replies(12)
spectermonkey
Experienced User
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The Godly One
Experienced User
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The Godly One
Experienced User
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musicdiva1331
New User
to "The Godly One" only a crappy girl will give bad advice, I am a girl and i will procede to give good advice and YES one part of it will be BE YOURSELF because that is the truth. no one wants to date and/or have sex with a fake a**hole. end of comment
1)psych yourself up
2) DON'T get drunk. bad choice. it doesn't just remove self conciousness, it removes the "If you do this you will look like a retard frat boy who will tell all his friends the next day and then say that the girl was all over you and that she was the one who really wanted it and you just gave it to her out of sympathy" mechanism there by making you look like a disgusting chauvinistic braggart. which you don't want to be. ever.
3)BE YOURSELF! seriously. I read your post and was laughing at the way you express yourself because it's marvelously witty and smart and you obviously have a vocabulary higher than the average drunken frat boy. Some girls (AHEM me and I know of others) find slightly dorky, sweet akward guys incrediable attractive. I would rather proposition the kid who stays with only one or two good german beers and proceeds to DESTROY his drunken friends in guitar hero before preventing one from throwing up on the couch and then having to wear a shirt that doesn't fit because he got puked on (gross, but it's better than the drunky) but is able to laugh it off while forcefully removing the keys from his angry drunk friends hand to prevent him from driving home. before discussing his favorite shakespeare play (or something comparable) with the only other semi pr completely sober person there (likely to be said girl who likes the above) than I am the super model gorgeous over oiled 20 shot taking, pass out drunk football player in the center of the room surrounded by the paris hilton wannabes. and trust me. akward =/= bad sex. if that is implied, well obviously the person implying it has been with lots of really good fakers.
4)try meeting girls in random places. branch out. got to a ballroom dance session (cough you will be one of the only straight guys there with lots of sexually frustrated girls cough). Dancing is sexy. and truthfully for most women, the ability to move your hips in time to the music implies that you will use them well in other situations. bam. instant sex appeal.
5)find the crazy akward girl who is sober (like me!) and have crazy mad silly fun! seriously. there is always at least one person around who is just a bundle of energy and has no issues with people and loves to help make people who are a little more shy comfortable. I am one of those. I purposely do stupid off the wall things because it makes EVERYONE feel more at ease
if I'm acting sillyit's hard for the quieter kid to be nervous and feel stupid because i probably look 12 times more foolish already 
lol.
good luck. and keep in mind. you're only 19. i'm 19 and i've only ever dated one person and it was for a few months and I was 18 before that happened. life isn't a race, it's a leisurely stroll down a breezy italian path with the perfect flavour of gelato in your hand If you find this to be remotely helpful or even refreshing, then just pm me, i'd love to talk more
1)psych yourself up
2) DON'T get drunk. bad choice. it doesn't just remove self conciousness, it removes the "If you do this you will look like a retard frat boy who will tell all his friends the next day and then say that the girl was all over you and that she was the one who really wanted it and you just gave it to her out of sympathy" mechanism there by making you look like a disgusting chauvinistic braggart. which you don't want to be. ever.
3)BE YOURSELF! seriously. I read your post and was laughing at the way you express yourself because it's marvelously witty and smart and you obviously have a vocabulary higher than the average drunken frat boy. Some girls (AHEM me and I know of others) find slightly dorky, sweet akward guys incrediable attractive. I would rather proposition the kid who stays with only one or two good german beers and proceeds to DESTROY his drunken friends in guitar hero before preventing one from throwing up on the couch and then having to wear a shirt that doesn't fit because he got puked on (gross, but it's better than the drunky) but is able to laugh it off while forcefully removing the keys from his angry drunk friends hand to prevent him from driving home. before discussing his favorite shakespeare play (or something comparable) with the only other semi pr completely sober person there (likely to be said girl who likes the above) than I am the super model gorgeous over oiled 20 shot taking, pass out drunk football player in the center of the room surrounded by the paris hilton wannabes. and trust me. akward =/= bad sex. if that is implied, well obviously the person implying it has been with lots of really good fakers.
4)try meeting girls in random places. branch out. got to a ballroom dance session (cough you will be one of the only straight guys there with lots of sexually frustrated girls cough). Dancing is sexy. and truthfully for most women, the ability to move your hips in time to the music implies that you will use them well in other situations. bam. instant sex appeal.
5)find the crazy akward girl who is sober (like me!) and have crazy mad silly fun! seriously. there is always at least one person around who is just a bundle of energy and has no issues with people and loves to help make people who are a little more shy comfortable. I am one of those. I purposely do stupid off the wall things because it makes EVERYONE feel more at ease
if I'm acting sillyit's hard for the quieter kid to be nervous and feel stupid because i probably look 12 times more foolish already lol.
good luck. and keep in mind. you're only 19. i'm 19 and i've only ever dated one person and it was for a few months and I was 18 before that happened. life isn't a race, it's a leisurely stroll down a breezy italian path with the perfect flavour of gelato in your hand
If you find this to be remotely helpful or even refreshing, then just pm me, i'd love to talk more
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Users who thank musicdiva1331 for this post:
spectermonkey
spectermonkey
Experienced User
Aye, so I haven't been here in a while due to the fact that I lost my password, have been busy, forgot about this forum, blah blah blah...
I've gotten over these problems. Heh.
It was a rough go I was having a couple of years ago.
Real rough.
I can honestly say I pretty much have dealt with every one of those things I listed that was plaguing me.
Assessed them, recognized them, and dealt with them accordingly.
Fun stuff.
I think that was written the morning after a drunken rampage through a dormitory, me being snapped out of my gourd and expecting everyone to be as unrealistically, and exorbitantly enthusiastic as I was.
I got shot down a lot.
I expected to have people musing over how charming I was, with a pint of vodka in me.
What a superb idea!!
Since then, I've toned down the drinking to a lengthy extent. I've cut pints to half-pints, when it's absolutely necessary as far as I see it, to get drunk.
(And now I can actually put together a sentence and function like a normal human being, when I'm drunk...Fancy that.)
I used drinking as a crutch.
I made an ass of myself, and honestly belived that was the only way I could muster any real social aggression.
I was only aggressive when I was drunk.
(Now I mean aggressive as in outgoing, not you know, violent or beligerent...)
Anyway, I grew out of that pretty quickly.
I took a year off from school and can say I honestly endured more psychological suffering in that one year than I ever have in my entire life. It's a long story.
Let's cut it short: The past year has been transformative, to say the least.
I talk more like I write now.
I walk with better posture. (My posture actually *was* bad, at the time I started this thread, believe it or not!
I've embraced the nature of my grandmother. (I really say what's on my damn mind. Not toning it down for anyone.)
I prioritize.
I don't supplicate like a puppy begging for scraps. To anyone.
And you know what?
Ever since these transformations occurred, my problems from before not only have vanished- the contrary to the grim scenario I presented 2 years ago is beginning to unfold.
I've gotten over these problems. Heh.
It was a rough go I was having a couple of years ago.
Real rough.
I can honestly say I pretty much have dealt with every one of those things I listed that was plaguing me.
Assessed them, recognized them, and dealt with them accordingly.
Fun stuff.
I think that was written the morning after a drunken rampage through a dormitory, me being snapped out of my gourd and expecting everyone to be as unrealistically, and exorbitantly enthusiastic as I was.
I got shot down a lot.
I expected to have people musing over how charming I was, with a pint of vodka in me.
What a superb idea!!
Since then, I've toned down the drinking to a lengthy extent. I've cut pints to half-pints, when it's absolutely necessary as far as I see it, to get drunk.
(And now I can actually put together a sentence and function like a normal human being, when I'm drunk...Fancy that.)
I used drinking as a crutch.
I made an ass of myself, and honestly belived that was the only way I could muster any real social aggression.
I was only aggressive when I was drunk.
(Now I mean aggressive as in outgoing, not you know, violent or beligerent...)
Anyway, I grew out of that pretty quickly.
I took a year off from school and can say I honestly endured more psychological suffering in that one year than I ever have in my entire life. It's a long story.
Let's cut it short: The past year has been transformative, to say the least.
I talk more like I write now.
I walk with better posture. (My posture actually *was* bad, at the time I started this thread, believe it or not!
I've embraced the nature of my grandmother. (I really say what's on my damn mind. Not toning it down for anyone.)
I prioritize.
I don't supplicate like a puppy begging for scraps. To anyone.
And you know what?
Ever since these transformations occurred, my problems from before not only have vanished- the contrary to the grim scenario I presented 2 years ago is beginning to unfold.
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justnotsure
New User
cheerio then..you sounded like you badly needed help..and that was a very witty way of saying "my life is sc****d". I know quite a few guys who were really shy before. So awkward with girls that they didnt know what to do with their hands while they're talking..lol..its cute to watch but they get over it. My ex-boyfriend was like that before he met me. but then he grew out of it and turned into a perfect charmer. Looks like you have too
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diamondsz
Extremely eHealthy
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diamondsz
Extremely eHealthy
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spectermonkey
Experienced User
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bc52
New User
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spectermonkey
Experienced User
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