I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I'm desperate for either support or some way to make this stop. I'm hoping this isn't seen as some teenage cry for attention. I just really need some guidance.
When I was 9 years old, my father began to drink more often due to his stressful work conditions and it was kind of something he picked up from always being around his friends who were constantly drinking. Eventually, he got to the point where he was drunk constantly. Whenever my mother would leave me alone with him, he would physically abuse me. Things continued this way until I turned 15. I had learned to defend myself somewhat, but he would still do it. My mother never knew about the abuse and I did my best to hide the bruises and scars from her. That year, she found out he was having an affair and she divorced him. Naturally, I went to live with my mother.
Most people would figure that I'd be okay now. I'm away from him. It's just not that easy for me. I'm now 17 years old and I still have flashbacks to the things he would do to me. There are days when I fall so deeply into a depression from these memories that it feels like I'll be that way forever. My boyfriend is constantly trying to help me when I go through these days by telling me that everything will be okay and that he's not in my life anymore. But I can't help but to feel like he will always be there. Like he's made this spot to sit in my head where he can always hurt me. Days like today, I just feel so hopeless. I'd do anything to make the thoughts go away. I wake up at night crying. Little things will set me off when they remind me of him. I can't stand to hear the sound of people yelling without breaking down into tears. I still flinch when a hand is raised to me. I have no idea how to take control of these emotions and I fear that they are making me insane. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me.
you need help. this is something that is going to take time. therapy is the best way to go. there are people here that will listen and give advice, which is a good thing, but you need more. abuse is a cycle. that cycle is broken. but now you need to be fixed. please get professional help as soon as possible, they will be able to offer better ways to heal. keep writing in, others will respond.
i know exactly what you're going through. pain caused by those we thought we could trust is disappointing enough, but when those who hurt us are blood, the disappointment experienced is on a completely different level. i was never physically abused, but my brother molested me for 5 years. as if that wasn't enough, after finally confessing to my parents a year into the abuse i found no solace. my dad had a talk with him and that was that. when he broke through the lock, my dad changed it without saying a word. after the 3rd time of breaking the lock into my room my dad just let it go, and today he still claims that he was under the impression that the abuse from my brother was only a single incident. no one told me it was okay or that i had a right to be upset, so eventually i blocked it out of my mind and didnt tell a soul, both out of the shame and embarrassment as well as being convinced that i was overreacting and what he did to me was normal. my brothers betrayal coupled with that of my apathetic parents will forever affect me in so many aspects of my life.
this event in my life was one of many that lead to my worsening depression, for which i finally received proper treatment when i was about 16. i started on prozac, which was an immense help to my mental stability, and i also started seeing a therapist. ive now been seeing her for about 4 years and the insight and perspective she has given me has been amazingly helpful in my life. i dont know where i would be today if it werent for my treatment. i struggle with depression every day; it is never something that is cured or that just goes away. but facing each battle every day would have been impossible had i not gone through treatment.
in your case, it seems that your chemical imbalance has been induced by traumatic life experiences, as most imbalances are. my advice as someone whos been in your shoes is to seek therapy first and foremost. but be patient - not only can it be difficult to find the right one for you, but therapy itself is a gradual process. its imperative, especially in the beginning months of treatment, to see your therapist on a regular basis, like maybe once a week or twice if necessary. for me once a week was enough, and now because of college i only go when i need to. therapy is hard work, especially if you arent used to delving into certain topics or memories that you have kept locked up for so long. gradually you will begin to realize things about yourself, or your past, or those around you in your life that you never realized before. its a challenge, but in the end its so worth it. then after the beginning months of your therapy, your psychologist will most likely decide that seeing a psychiatrist might be in your best interest. the psychiatrist will talk to you about some stuff, but not as specifically as your psychologist, and then will start you out on some medication he believes might be beneficial. this itself is a gradual process as well - some are lucky and the first thing they are perscribed happens to be exactly what works for them. others keep trying different types of mood stabilizers until they start to notice a difference.
again, patience is key. depression is a neverending disease that only worsens the longer it goes untreated. i was always told to think of it like diabetes - diabetics everyday struggle to maintain their blood sugar levels so that they can function. it never goes away or is cured, but with practice and experience it becomes easier to deal with. you wouldnt think of diabetics as "weak" because they have to take certain measures to survive, just as people who have depression or other mental illnesses are not weak for doing what they have to do to survive. its when you refuse to do anything about your depression that makes you "weak", because in the end you're only hurting yourself.
if you have any questions or would like some more info on doctors and treatments and such, send me a message. hope i could help, and above all take care of yourself - because in the end, as your father has already proved, no one else can be trusted to.
Do you guys think this is something I should tell my mother about? Or is there a way to get help without involving her? She never found out. No one really knows except for my boyfriend and a close friend of mine.
i think it would be a good idea to inform her, and pretty much necessary if youre under 18 and are going to be seeking a psychologist. she should know i think, maybe she could understand you better or close any gap that exists. hiding something so big that involves her indirectly is also the recipe for a grudge. like if she were to get upset with you about anything, and in your head your screaming at her and blaming her for not understanding when really she has no way of understanding unless you tell her