Have a Happy Period ( Alittle Laugh) For Us Women

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always™ maxi pads
for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™
absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings™. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As
I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt
Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In
fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which
brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in
the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you !**@!
kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness -is possible during a menstrual
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
"happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up
on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so
you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out,
man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking
on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings™,
I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
!**@!. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX