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Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum > Made Big Mistake, Now Divorce Is Going to Happen
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Q: Made Big Mistake, Now Divorce Is Going to Happen
asked by: sad guy on March 6th, 2007
New User
Hello, I guess I am just posting to let my feelings out, which is probably what many of these posts are, but I'd appreciate some emotional support as well. I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and together with my wife for 5 years. We have no kids. I am very in love with her, always have been (and always will be), and care about her more than anything. Our marriage isn't perfect, she always said I should be more romantic and less boring, but we always agreed to stick together. We've always been good to each other. In fact, lately we have been starting to get closer as we've picked up a few activities that we both enjoy and can do together. Well, the other day we had a stupid argument, which frankly I shouldn't have even taken so seriously, but I got angry, at which point she laughed at me in a taunting way. When she did, I lost it and punched her in the arm three times, hard. This is someone that I would do anything for, and that I would never want any harm to come to, and meanwhile I am the one that harmed her. I of course felt awful immediately after, to the point of crying. She of course felt betrayed and like she can't trust me. I spent days crying to myself and trying to patch it up, but she will barely even acknowledge me. She says she has no feelings at all for me, that she hates me or at best feels nothing for me, and she wants to move out and divorce. She said that hitting her was worse than if I had cheated, and I tend to agree. This incident happened just 3 days ago, and already she has been apartment shopping and contacted a lawyer to start a divorce. So my question to the forum is, what do I do? First off, in your opinion, is what I did forgivable? She said she can't forgive me for it, and can't live with someone who has done that. I honestly can say I don't know the answer. From my perspective, I would of course want her to forgive me and not leave, but that's because I know myself on the inside, and I know how I feel. I can only imagine how she feels, but I imagine she feels like the one person she felt she could count on 100% in this world, she can't count on anymore. She said that the incident was out of character, and that's why she didn't have me arrested, but that that's my only forgiveness. She knows that's not who I am, but she still can't forgive that it happened. She has been entirely emotionless since this happened. No anger, no crying, no emotion at all, like she's completely detached from me. I've cried to her and pleaded with her to help me work this out, but she meets me with no emotion and says she doesn't want to. I've asked her to focus on the happy times we've had, and the good things I've done for her, and she said those memories just make her feel repulsed. What do I do here? In general she is a not-so-emotional person, so I think it makes it tougher for her to forgive. Thanks for the support. The last thing I want is to get a divorce from the person I thought I would grow old with. Crying or Very sad
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BabyFutak
replied on March 6th, 2007
Experienced User
From a womans propective it sounds like more has happened or she was looking for a way out and you gave her one. I am not saying women like to be hit or that you should hit a woman. But if it only happened once and it was out of character she would be pissed and upset but I don't think she would be going after a divorce. now if this is a common occurance then we are speaking a whole differewnt language. To me it sounds like she was looking for a reason to say buh bye and well you gave it to her. Heres an Idea play her game and ignore her and agree with her about the divorce and play her game back. you will know if she is fibbing or is serious by how she reacts. Basically ignore her and she what happen. if she trying to make you feel bad she will feel as if her plan is backfiring and try and get your attention back. Women play mind games and I will admit that we are no fun. But then again maybe you should control your anger there hun.
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Spirit
replied on March 7th, 2007
Experienced User
It is forgiveable...................by some women....................not me..............the second a man raises a hand to me, never mind a fist...............I'm out of there.................in fact, if a man verbally abuses me................same thing..................bye bye............have a nice life!

I have been 7 years in a serious relationship.............we love and respect each other..................and the many many times we have "broken up"..............I have never said or did a bad thing towards him.............and if we were to part permanently.........I would still care for him..........................you .do .not hurt people you love Smile
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change is good
replied on March 7th, 2007
Experienced User
that's a tough break. i know how you feel and it's not going to get any easier. she may never forgive you, and even if she does she will never forget. there are way to many reminders in the world.
i feel for you. my wife and i are separated, but living together. we don't even know what we are to each other. we are trying to become healthy and hopefully we will have a relationship in the end. i can't predict your future but i can be here for you. i feel the same way about my wife and know where you are coming from. i wish you the best of luck. if you need someone to talk to feel free to p.m. me. only time will tell.
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DPantelones
replied on March 7th, 2007
Experienced User
Man that's tough that she isn't even willing to consider counseling or at the very least giving you the benefit of the doubt (that it would never happen again). Talk to her, do NOT beg or cry, just talk to her and ASK her to go to counseling with you.

From the cheap seats, that's about all I can recommend, but I feel like it's your best and only option..best of luck!
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rightside
replied on March 9th, 2007
Active User, very eHealthy
something doesn't gel here. You say this is the first time you have ever done this to her? Hitting someone is wrong, but not something to divorce over IF it was just the first time, and you seem to be truly sorry. Something is stopping her from forgiving you. Do you feel knowing her that she is bluffing? If you think so, then I would just tell her that if she thinks giving up a good marriage over one stupid mistake is worth it, then there is nothing more you can do. If she is hell bent on divorcing you, she will. If not, she will figure out a way to come back around. Sounds to me like there is more to this than meets the eye, either on her part or yours. Stop and think about it, and whether or not you have seen more changes in her before the argument.
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DPantelones
replied on March 13th, 2007
Experienced User
raven53 wrote:
something doesn't gel here. You say this is the first time you have ever done this to her? Hitting someone is wrong, but not something to divorce over IF it was just the first time, and you seem to be truly sorry. Something is stopping her from forgiving you. Do you feel knowing her that she is bluffing? If you think so, then I would just tell her that if she thinks giving up a good marriage over one stupid mistake is worth it, then there is nothing more you can do. If she is hell bent on divorcing you, she will. If not, she will figure out a way to come back around. Sounds to me like there is more to this than meets the eye, either on her part or yours. Stop and think about it, and whether or not you have seen more changes in her before the argument.


Amen Raven, very good post!
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nettech
replied on March 16th, 2007
New User
I agree with raven, as men we have a tendency to jump to conclusions, trying to find a logical answer. When maybe there isn't one.
Leave her be and wait. She may calm down and she may not. Only time will tell. But I think the worst thing you can do is try to force the situation to a resolution.
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Magical Logic
replied on March 16th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
i know this is an old post but thought i would say i hope you get help for your anger. i dont care if you say its the first time or not that you hit her.whos to say if there was a next time that you would not do the same or worse.
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