i can relate to you very well. i was molested by my brother for 5 or 6 years. what makes situations like ours more difficult is the involvement of our actual family - our BLOOD. first of all, youre ashamed, embarrassed, and when your own family members sit there and literally watch it happen and not even so much as offer you consolation when its over, you feel like maybe the problem is you. maybe its not a big deal and youre just overreacting. maybe just letting it go is better than doing something about it because theyre your blood and maybe you owe them something for that?
my scars from this experience will forever be reflected in every relationship i have in my life. because of the men that have let me down from this, i will always be one to seek male attention no matter the cost (i.e. sleeping with a friends boyfriend). not to mention sexually it will always be an issue. there are times ive had to push away because memories kept flooding back, and of course the more you tell yourself not to think about it you do anyway. im also more prone to addiction, because it provides a kind of security. its like my mind is so used to never have stability or anyone to ever help me carry any weight, but this drug is there whenever i need it and never fails to fill that hole in my heart. im a great person - im incredibly talented intelligent, i have a lot of friends (no one close enough though), can make just about anybody laugh, and am the strongest ive ever been, and that strength only grows each day i take a breath. but all these wonderful characteristics are never enough to soften the blow when dealing with issues in my past such as this.
i didnt finally begin talking about what my brother did to me until it came back to me all of a sudden when i was being intimate with my boyfriend at the time. he was the first person who knew besides my parents, and the first person to ever react in a way that one is supposed to react when hearing this kind of situation. he held me when no one held me before. he let me cry and told me it wasnt my fault. he insisted it wasnt NORMAL and i wasnt overreacting. weve since split, but to this day we are each others best friends; i would do anything in the world for him. hes the only person in my life that ive ever been able to depend on should i have to. after our incident, i finally told my psychologist who i had already been seeing for three months. she was shocked that i didnt divulge such information earlier on. ive now been seeing her for four years and have been taking prozac for the same amount of time. if it hadnt been for my therapy, who knows where i would be today.
i got lucky - it takes many people a long time to find an outlet for their mistreatment. i can tell you one thing, from reading your posts i dont have any doubts that youre not too far away from progress. i know saying im sorry for what happened to you isnt too helpful even though its appreciated. but i will say this - for what youve been through, you have a hell of a lot of courage and strength to be able to seek help instead of letting it control you and lead you into a downward spiral. thank god youve taken the initiative - self sympathy produces no results. rest assured that you've made it out alive from something that would have torn others into pieces. be confident knowing that not many people have experienced what you have, because your endurance and perserverence will be what holds you above others. i dont mean this condescendingly; im sure you know what i mean when i say this - when you meet people and you feel like you are so different than them, like you've lived 1,000 lives and here they are, standing in front of you as if naive was tattooed on their forehead. thank god we all dont have to experience such trauma, and thank god that some of us do. we were built to be strong enough to handle the obstacles thrown our way. some of us buckle under the pressure and some of us don't. i can tell you are one that falls under the second category.
youve already taken the first initiative. you can only handle so much without the help of others; seek that help before its too late. find a psychologist - not yet psychiatrist - that is covered under your insurance policy if you have one. if you see them and dont think theyll be what you need, then look for another. keep looking until you find someone you're comfortable with and gives you a sense of security. its worth the search once you find them. after a couple sessions, they will most l ikely give you names of psychiatrists they recommend. that way instead of looking one up in a phonebook, youll be given a name from someone with whom youve already established some trust.
there is no solution to the past - everyday will always be a challenge. happiness doesnt come in the form of a pill, but with hard work and outside help. what does come in the form of a pill? - a cane. you only walk with it just in case you lose your balance, and when you do, its right there to hold you steady. for me, prozac didnt make me happy. but when things happened that would normally cause me a lot of distress and panic, instead i was able to look at the situation objectively and realize that im worth more than the actions of those who hurt me. it smoothed out my instinctive actions and keeps me level. hopefully youll be able to find this stability as well.
best of luck, jason. keep your chin up, and be proud of yourself for surviving. you will still have trouble meeting many people who can relate, and sometimes its what prevents you from establishing close relationships with friends. but there will be some that you meet that if they cannot directly relate, they can provide an embrace of understanding, which sometimes is all you need. do what you can to help yourself be at your best - afterall, our experiences have shown us, if nothing else, that no one in this world will be able to have your best interest at heart more than yourself. so take care of number 1, because no one else will do it for you. dont let the past control your actions in the present - dont avoid looking for happiness because of it, but rather hunt it down in spite of it.
