Depression Forum - Depression..

Heya, Im Emily and I'm 15. Lately I've been through alot of bad stuff, I lost >>ALOT!<< of my friends including my closest friend, all because my closest friend "aacidently" told a secret of mine, and got the school health forum hating me, leading to everyone else hating me because they all follow her lead. In 5 months I've been to school only 20 days, It's my final year, and at the moment I'm probably going to fail everything. I can't pluck up the courage to go to school because I know that people will just say something to me to make my self asteem lower than it is. I've been told by close family and friends that im not ugly, and that I'm a highly attractive girl. I myself do not believe this. Recently my boyfriend of 3 months split up with me, because I got jealouse too much. I have been finding this really hard to cope with, as I don't feel that this is my fault, as Being so paranoid about the way i look all the time, and having no self confidence is bound to make me jealouse when he talks to pretty girls and tells them that theyre beautiful. He told me he loved me and that he was in love with me, and I knew I felt the same way too. Your probably all going to say your 15 and your bound to find someone else, and I dont think that you were truly in love with him but I was, and I dont think you can say that cause to be honest you dont know how i feel, because your not me. Any way getting to the point, In the past 5 months I have had really bad sleeping problems I sleep all night and day sometimes, and sometimes I sleep all day and am awake all night. Ive been cutting my arms alot lately, and when i cant find i knife to cut, Ill pick the scabs of old cuts just to make my self bleed, also the other night after a long row with the ex about why he split with me I drank bleech, wich i then proceeded to tell him I dont know why i did this, he told me i was emotionally blackmailing him, but the thing is i wasnt meaning to, when i get upset or angry about something I turn in to a compleatly different person im normally i happy really nice person never out to hurt anyone and then all of a sudden i turn into a monster, and do things i dont mean to do, the annoying thing is, is that i go to sleep most times after turning into this "monster" and only really remember snipits of it. I used to take my anger out on my mum and hit her, but this landed me in care for 3 months in 2005. I used to do the sleeping thing back then as well. I dont know if my symptoms lead to depression or not, but i just want to stop feeling down all the time, and i want to smile without it hurting, im finding it really hard getting over my bf, and the horrible thing is; is that hes pretty much found someone else already. I miss him so bad and would do anything to have him back. I dont know what to do anymore, most of the time it feels like ending it all would be the best option Sad