Im new here. So i want to lay down some of my background.

I've been fat my whole life, and one day i decided enough is enough. I ate under 1000 calories a day for over a year and lost all the weight. I went from 230 lbs to 150.... then i plateaued. I couldn't lose anymore. I lost those 80 lbs being healthy and counting calories. Although somedays I probably didn't eat enough to be healthy, I figured I had enough fat stored up to live off.

Once I reached 150 and stayed at that weight for 6 months with no progress, I doubled my efforts. I starved myself. STARVED! I started beating myself up anytime I put any food into my stomach, no matter how small. So the next step was obviously purging. I was so hungry I'd eat 3 days worth of food in a sitting and feel so awful about how i'd blown all my efforts, I would force myself to puke it up. But that only left me starving again...... see the vicious cycle forming?

I hear all the time how beautiful I look now that I've lost the weight, and I see how differently people treat you when you're not obese. Even my own mother and stepmother have a respect for me they never had before. All of this because of my physical appereance. Men are giving more attention than I know how to handle. This is all new to me since I've always been fat.

Now, I'm bulemic. I'm puking up blood. I'm losing my hair that once was as thick as a horse's mane. Guess where I sit? at 150 lbs. I don't get it, all of this suffering for nothing.

These days I'm not dieting. I'm eating garbage and purging it. At first bulemia seemed like a dream come true, I can eat whatever I want, and just get rid of it. No harm, no foul. But now that I'm staying home on weekends to order pizza and chinese food just to be alone with my bulemia, I'm seeing its downside more clearly. So is my bank account. I can't tell you how much I spend on food that never nourishes me. I'm pathetic....beautiful, but pathetic.