First of all this whole thing starts off because I am gay or bisexual. Never said that before until now but so be it.

I am 18 and throughout all of my life I have hidden.

Throughout high school I went to every party, did every drug, and had sex with every girl that I could trying to fit in and hide all that I was. I actually had the same girlfriend for three years and at one point she was even pregnant(thats when I got really scared and confused).

First my parents would never accept it and would throw me out of my house so I will not be open about it so please dont ask.

But my problem is now that I am older and in college I would like to start a relationship I guess, and either way wouldn't hurt me. But now I am afraid to and have actually started fearing sexual encounters. I used to look at gay pornography but have tried not to suppress that and keep it locked away. It has gotten to the point where I want to be sexually active or maybe even start a relationship but getting aroused is difficult because I hate it so much.

Has anyone ever felt like this? I know if you have you probably wouldn't admit it, but I was just pulling to see if anyone else had something like this hoping I wasn't alone.