Relationships and Marriage Forum - I Don't Know How to Be Happy... I Think?

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Q: I Don't Know How to Be Happy... I Think?

asked by: sillygirl30 on February 12th, 2007

New User

I am writing to anybody who would care to read and reply back. I recently turned 30 and it was terrible. On the outside everybody tells me to be happy that I have a great life. I have three children who are all doing well. I have a nice home and a good job. Yet for the past 11 years I have done everything correctly. I always followed the rules. I bought kids clothes instead of the neck lace I really loved. I wear one pair of shoes until they are destroyed and than buy a new pair on sale only. I go to all my kids sports and their school events. I cook meals and I clean the house. I accept when my birthday is forgotten... Well almost always. You see since my husband and I got married I would forgive him when he renigged on promises and I allowed my life to be put on standby because I really truly do value my family and their needs.

Every time he forgot I would tell him that the only thing that is really important to me is that he take me away for my 30th birthday. It was my one day to be impractical and it was so important to me. I even went camping on our honey moon to save money but made him promiose to take my away for my 30 th birthday. Well I turned 30 and I got a mini van. Now I realize that a mini van is an ok gift but it came with these words " I figured that we were buying one in a few months so I wanted to surprise you and get it for you early " on top of all he told me that he spent so much on the van he did not want to spend any money on a cake and that the van was my present from the kids as well. Well I put on a happy face for the kids but it has been two months and I can't be happy any more and I can't forgive him. So much so that I just want to leave. I am so hurt that this person that should value my dreams could just ignore them. He tells me to get over it and that I am not getting a trip because we just don't have the money. (this is not true he had a very long time to save for it and we could have found the money)

i think that maybe I put so much emphasis on everybody elses lives that he does not care about mine. Sorry to those of you who think me to be petty. I am writing because I do not want to end my marriage but if I don't figure out how to forgive him I see no other option

Replies(11)

flipper

replied on February 12th, 2007

Experienced User

I can identify with you. I've been married for about that long myself, and girl, I do the same things- put my family first above myself. I also let my husband get away with forgetting things that I want, but when I really want them... I remind him!! Man, if I wanted to take a trip for my 30th birthday (which sounds great by the way), I would start planning for it six months in advance. I would have made my husband plan with me, and counted down the days. Did you do that? If it was something you really wanted, you needed to be vocal about it. That way if talk of a car came up, you could have said, yes, a car sounds nice, but this is what I want first. Lol. That's what I do.

Without knowing anything else about it, I think you might be giving your husband too hard of a time about it. He probably thought he was giving you the best gift ever by getting the minivan for you. Men like to be practical like that. He might have figured that you'd get way more use out of the car than you would a vacation. You actually might be hurting his feelings by brushing off his gesture like that.

Instead of harboring hard feelings, I think you should strike a comprimise, and ask your husband if he can think of a date when you will be able to go on your vacation. Even if it's a year away, it would still be a good solid plan that you can look forward to. Pus, you guys would have plenty of time to save up for it.

I know you're upset that you didn't get to go this year, but honestly when you do get to go, you'll probably enjoy yourself so much that you'll forget all about it.

Life's too short to get caught up in schedules anyway. You sound like a good mom, and your husband sounds nice and reasonable as well. No worries!

IrishEyesSmiling

replied on March 3rd, 2007

New User

Hi Girl

i read your post and nodded all the way through...because u could have been talking about myself.

i too do all the things with our kids, cook the meals,clean,make sure everyone is happy....except me!

i constantly feel put upon, like what i want/need doesnt matter....but guess what? thats the msg i send out everytime i let my hubby or my kids away with trampling on my needs/wants.

the other person is right in saying that men think they are doing good by buying things that can be put to good use...my hubby was forever doing this with me, until i lost and and told him that a toaster/or something for the house/family isn't for ME!

he stopped doing this, but still got me things i didnt ask for or need.

for years i had been asking for a one stone diamond engagement ring...but as we couldnt afford it, it really was out of the question.

as the years passed i still openly longed for my ONE stone ring....then 2 years ago, he brough me out to dinner,and slipped a small box across the table...well my face was a pitcure when i opened the box, he only went and bought me a THREE stone ring Rolling Eyes

and god forgive me i couldnt hide my disapointment!

we laugh about it now, but the thing is, that if u stay quiet and say nothing, u'll get nothing!

women tend to give way too much of themselves, and forget that they have a life to live too.

at the moment, i too am struggling with anger i feel towards my husband over a promise he made to me and also broke/forgot about.
i find myself thinking of walking away, but know i would never leave my kids behind.
and either way, i love my hubby...though right now, i dont know why!

i know that its going to get to the stage very soon, when we have a serious talk, because i feel like my anger is bubbling inside me...and thats not good for anyone!

all i can say is talk to your hubby, put ur cards on the table and tell him stright, that ur not happy with this, and try to make him see why u feel like this....i know, for myself, thats what i am going to do, when the moment is right.

hope things work out for you.
and i for one dont think u are silly, u have wants and needs like ur husband and kids, u deserve to have them met too.

irisheyes Smile

Makoto

replied on March 4th, 2007

Experienced User

Sorry, but us husbands sometimes get to comfortable and tend to treat our wives like they were our best male buddies(you know you are our best friends, but not our best male friend Wink

).

Anyways, holding it back is not good. You have to tell him how you feel, even if at first it causes an argument. There is no need for you to not enjoy your life and your marriage they way you want. Everyone in your family is having fun but you so it seems. Talk to them on how they can help you to enjoy your life as well.

Happy Birthday.

Duane

replied on March 28th, 2007

New User

Ans. To: I Don't Know How to Be Happy... I Think ???

WHAT in the WORLD are YOU THINKIN WOMAN ????? you should forgive him for WHAT??? for bein a SQUIDSTICK ??? c'mon get real. all i know is what you've posted, does your husband make stupid comments like that ALL the time or just SOMETIMES ??? what does YOUR HEART tell you to do ??? it really bugs me when a young woman such as yourself DOES NOT know that you CAN and SHOULD get OUT if you aren't HAPPY and in VERY DEEP love with the man. i think you need to speak to a professional, they can do wonders if they are compassionate. here's a question for YOU !!! what do YOU want to do ?? the ball's in your court, i think. lol

nightangel73

replied on March 29th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

I agree with what the other poster said about being vocal about what you want. I too would have begun to make plans six months in advance. I would never expect my man to surprise me with airplane tickets like that. A trip far away specially with kids needs to be well planned. If the man is not into details then you should not expect him to come up with everything planned out and surprise you like that.

If you still want that trip and he doesn't agree on a date even when there is money for it then I would be upset. Still i wouldn't wish to divorce for it but i would like to know what the underlying reason for it is. Is it because the man is cheap? I know my dad is cheap and no my dad would not bring my mom to an expensive trip far out just because he doesn't like to spend money in trips like that. That is the way his personality is and my mom has accepted it from the beginning. Doesn't mean he don't love her, he is just the way he is. I don't know but in order to consider divorce it will take more for me. I would need to be like physically abused or cheated something like that you know.

good luck!

jennamay

replied on February 24th, 2009

New User

I think that as we get older we all start to have these feelings as we realize that we have been putting others (our children and our spouses) ahead of us for so long. It can be hard being a mother and a wife and still taking the time out to treat yourself.

Regarding your husband's behavior on your birthday-- have you talked to him about it? Did he know how upset you were? Did he realize that you were serious about wanting him to take you away? I can't even imagine how upsetting the situation must have been for you and I think you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart and tell him that things need to change.
Put a smile on your face and start turning things around Smile

Rosie H

replied on February 24th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

I think you should voice your opinions and tell him how much that birthday meant to you. I too fell into the role of pleaser and forgot myself. I took out my unhappiness on those around me. My hubby is now demanding that I get myself back. He is so unhappy that Im such a pushover that he wants to leave. ANd here I felt he was the one doing allthis.

We are women who need to stand up to our own self. Your husband sounds like a good man. Im sure he would be thrilled to see you take your own happiness into your own hands. Sometimes they need a woman to take charge anyway.

Thats what Im doin at least. MY satisfaction has rested soley on my spouse and children instead of me. Well thats getting old and im miserable. I am now taking charge and doing and saying what makes me feel good.

ANd you know what...Daniel appreaciates me more for it. Thats just my side...I hope some of it made sense.

ProudMommyof2008

replied on February 24th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

as a wife and mother, you should not put your needs to the very last, its not healthy. if you never do anything for yourself here and there your life can become stressful.

yeah, kids come first. but that does not mean that you should get table scraps! you can buy something off the sales racks and you wont be a bad mother for doing so too.
if you let yourself go unnoticed, you will start becoming unhappy as you already are noticing.

and i agree with other responders, your husband sounds like a great guy.
but dont you think your dragging this birthday thing out a little far? i mean do you really want your marriage to end because he did not take you somewhere for your 30th birthday? I honestly would not know how you feel about that, because myself and my boyfriend do not celebrate birthdays, we say happy birthday to each other and if i want to go somewhere on that day he'll take me but not solely because its my birthday. we dont give gifts on holidays, we give to our son, birthdays/holidays we feel are for the kids. so i would not know how you feel about him not taking you somewhere for your 30th.

But we know, men do not listen lol
My boyfriend and i joke that when he does not hear what i have said that he was listening to the ocean lol
Why not plan to go somewhere for your 31st birthday, but take initiative this time, tell him you want him to do this because you did not have an extravigant honey moon, because you did not go somewhere for your 30th like you two had planned last year, but you plan out where you want to go and tell him.
Men are not mind readers, they are not going to know how you feel if you dont speak up, and they hate guessing why you feel down or upset, so just tell him.

There will be other birthdays, and other reasons to take a trip just the two of you.
But remember to make your own happiness too, you should not go unnoticed.

Praise

replied on February 24th, 2009

New User

Happiness... does it have to depend on others..

How much of our lives we spend being happy or sad on what others do to us or dont do..does/ shd our happiness be based on others... think about it..
There's more to life than that..as I found out a few years ago.. I was the same.. letting others dictate my happiness or sadness.. fortunately I came accross a wonderful course that changed my life forever...
The art of living course.. the course taught me so many valuable lessons that we need to learn to live our lives to the fullest..
i strongly recommend you to go ahead and do it.. It has changed the lives of millions around the world.

butterflytatoo69

replied on November 11th, 2009

New User

Grass is not always greener...

I definately know where you're coming from. I got a George Foreman Grill for my 30th!!! Yes, I wanted a new grill, NOT for my birthday!!! He even fell asleep at 8:30 PM when he promised we would hang out and play pool after the kids went to bed. I know he meant well (with the gift), and it was expensive, and he knew I wanted it, but somehow didn't think a kitchen appliance was inappropriate for my b-day. Men seem to have the worst bouts of insensitivity at the worst possible time.

I was so angry, and felt unappreciated and disappointed. I was even embarrased that my guy could be so insensitive when people asked me what he got me.

Eventually I got over it, but he hasn't learned from that mistake. I learned better than to expect sensitivity from someone who is insensitive. This is who he is, and has always been. He is great to me in every other aspect. He's great to my kids, and to me. I was married to an abusive liar and cheater before I met him.

I think if you want a trip, and plan to take him with you, then YOU should make the plans, and TELL HIM where you guys are going. Don't expect him to change now, but you can change yourself and how you react. If you plan on staying with him, the romance and special things will be up to you. I was single at 26, and believe me, there are guys far worse than my guy out there, and probably worse than your guy too.

W0LF

replied on November 11th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy (online)

My girlfriend was in Thialand for over a month over my 30th. She sent me an online gift certificate to Black Angus. I went to sleep alone. It was so ironically inconsiderate that I couldn't help but laugh. When I thought about it I realized that I had no reason to be upset. She didn't chose to have to go to Thailand, I didn't make plans for my 30th or emphasize that it was a hard age to have to swallow. She did what she could with her hectic schedule to recognize my birthday.

The greatness of your relationships is never based on a single night. It is the consistency of love, trust and grace that serves as a consistent reminder of their love for you. Just the same you can't allow a single incident become the downfall of your relationship.

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