Hey.

I agree..I think that there is no reason for cheating! I feel that if you are in a relationship with your spouse, there is no excuse for deciding to be unfaithful! I feel that if you want out of a marriage or relationship, inform your lover, because its a very dangerous situation, stds dont discriminate..So cheating in my eyes is a big no no...

Spouses cheat becuase they have low moral period...Nothing eles.

People cheat because they are at a low or pivitol point in their lives. There is something bothering them and they need an outlet to take their mind off of it. Sometimes, it's just the thought of getting old, hense midlife crisis, others because they are bored, and someone out there senses this and begins to pay attention to them. It makes them feel special and the taboo of it is exciting. Rarely do they ever stop to think how much damage they are causing themselves and their families until it's too late. Most of the time, the spouse/partner is not to blame for these actions. It's just a need within the cheater to find something to take some form of pain they are suffering away. They never realize you can't solve a marital problem by turning outside the marriage. Some marriages are meant to fail, because there was no real love to begin with, for others cheating can be a wake up call. When the cheater sees he/she may lose everything they've worked hard for in life, they realize the devastation their actions have caused, and will fight to get back what they've lost.

I disagree raven. I dont quite know how to fully explain myself right now givin the mood im in but its just wrong.

There are basic things that humans dont do. You dont give your body away to someone eles while loving another. Porn starts are disgusting...Cheaters are disgusting.

For me personaly I cant even understand how people can "hook up" have sex and move on there day without atachment.

Regardless of the situation regardless of the state of mind(becuase you can alwasy make sure that your in a safe place before getting fked up) you dont cheat.

For all these reasons why you dont cheat and why its such a bad thing whom ever does this losses in this section of a basic moral.

I agree color, cheating is the single worst thing you can do to another human being outside of homicide. But having lived through this terrible trauma, I can tell you that the cheater is going through their own personal hell. They don't want to admit it to their spouse at first, may even get beligerant and defensive about it, but believe me, when it all comes out, and they are discovered, the hell really starts. Some will leave their partners, some won't. It all depends on how much love is left between the couple, and how the situations are handled. There are so many ups and downs, one day good, one day awful. The cheaters are usually full of indecision whether to stay or go, and they feel it's their decision to make, when in reality it's not. While they are sneaking around, they are too busy living in the moment to worry about the after effects, but when they are discovered, then the real problems start, and healing can begin if both partners want it. That's not to say it's easy, it never is, it's darnright painful to go through, and harder for the person that has to accept the betrayal and take the cheater back, than to let them go, because then you have to deal with the trust issue. There is always a reason that one person "says" they are not in love with their partner. You just don't fall out of love overnight-- rather something or someone is distracting them from that love. That's why so many people hear the statement "i love you, but i'm not in love with you" another good one is "i love you like a sister/brother." there is usually still love there, but the cheater is having a hard time distinguishing that love because they are being blinded by another kind of love(lust) at that moment in time. Things can be worked out if both parties want it, but the injured party has got to let the cheater know they are not going to stand for such betrayal. They don't deserve it, and will not let the cheater make the decisions as to what the outcome will be. The betrayed partener needs to be the stronger, because it's obvious that the cheater is not in their right frame of mind. If they were, they wouldn't do this dispicable thing to people they shared a life with.

Anyone out there speak from experience on taking back a cheater?

How do you get past the betrayal? I cannot even imagine a situation where I could ever trust her again...I feel like I have no love left for her at all!

i did. First time anyone had cheated on me. He was contrite, said all the right things. I really enjoyed my time with him. I figured, if I made the decision to get back with him, then I had to let the cheating issue drop. I couldn't 'use' it as ammo-i had to let it go and just live day by day. The truth will eventually come out.

So this contrite man did it again. With my friends. Yes, my "friends" plural. That was it. We weren't married so it was a clean break. He still contacts me, five years later, and talks about how contrite he is. What a jerk.

My take on cheating is that it is not about the other person. It's never about you, what you do or don't do. It's about the cheater's inability to keep his/her feelings reined in. It's about their lack of understanding as to what a committment is. It's their inability to understand what kind of hurt it can cause to someone. It's their desire to learn if sex with someone else is different. Or it's too many hormones swirling around. None of these things are excuses, just reasons why.

Anyways, I would get some counseling if I was trying to maintain a marriage for the sake of children or something. Cheaters can reform, but do you want to have to worry about it forever?

no, no I don't want to worry about it, period!

Sorry you had to go through that too, but at least you weren't married with children...It makes me sick to my stomach what's she's done to our family! After just over 2 months i've finally come to realize that it's her, not me, and i'm looking forward to getting out and starting over...

My frist serious relationship...She cheated on me in the worst way..Its a super long story and I dont wana go into it...But it was bad.

The next time was different...Its not that I knew she cheated..Because she didnt, its what she did. We were living togher and I went out of town, she had her ex medical answer buddy spend the night becuase they were drunk.

Next time she got drunk and ran into her ex girlfriend at a bar and decyded to spend the night with her...Hmm.

Also I have cheated..Its what ended my second long relationship. No excuse, I had to break up with her even though she forgave me I couldnt get over it..I felt 2 bad. I was drunk...Really drunk. Passed out in a bed, girl tried to wake me up by kissing me and touching me.....I was passing out and didnt realize what was going on tell I was kissing her back. I got up, pushed her off yelled at her threw a phone though the window and ran away for the night. Fun times.

Cheating sucks.

I have had the experience you are asking about. My husband cheated on me over 25 years ago. He got involved with someone at work that was older than him. It was pure hell going through it, not even knowing at first what was wrong with him. He was cocky, arrogant, and full of excuses. He lied and said he was working, going to a friend's, lots of things that were totally out of his normal character. I was beside myself with stress and finally asked him to leave. I told him I didn't know what he was looking for, but it wasn't with me and our kids. He was furious at first but did leave. After a few weeks I asked him what he was going to do, and he admitted then that there was someone else. I told him to get out and stay out, that I was going to file for divorce. He was out for a month, and then came back begging to try again. I reluctantly took him back in, but it was pure hell. I immediately felt disgusted with myself for taking him back, and was very indifferent to him. We made a promise not to ever talk about the affair again, but it took me three years to finally feel comfortable with him like we were before. The other woman didn't want to let go without a fight, but I told my husband that if I had to fight for what already belonged to me, then I didn't want him. He offered to go to counciling, but lied to the councilor out of embarrassement, so that was a waste of time. It took a while for the woman to realize that he was not going to continue the relationship, and during this time I kept my divorce papers open, which terrified my husband. I told him if he ever tried it again, we were done. I took no more crap or lies from him, and slowly he tried in every way to show me he was sincere. It's a long hard process, and finally almost 18 years later, at our daughter's wedding, he admitted fully to me how sorry he was for causing me so much pain. It was then I knew how he really felt, and how much pain he had been in himself. We have been married for 36 years next st. Patrick's day, and it was worth the effort to stay together. Not to say that the hurt has gone away, it never will. But you can't take someone back unless the are absolutely wanting to come back, and are willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you they are sorry for their actions. It's a hard, slow process, but if there is real love there, it's worth it. The main thing to remember is to not bring it up once you make the committment to stay together. I wish you the best with your wife, but you will have to determine when and if she wants to stop her affair whether she is sincere or not, and if she is not, then you have to be prepared to make the decision to get out and mean it! If all you do is bluff, then they will keep cheating. Good luck!

Amen to that raven (unless they can prove their sorry)! I have a feeling she is going to resist my leaving big time, but i've got to be strong and do it...Then if we can make it work, over time, I might be willing to take that chance.

I'm going to see a different therapist when things settle down, see if I can ever get that trust back. Right now I don't feel like I can trust anyone but my babies!

I hear ya on that d. It's hard to trust again, and I have to be honest...You probably never will totally. Somewhere in the back of your mind there is always going to be that little shred of insecurity, but that alone should push you into never putting up with this kind of treatment again. If you have been a good man, and a good husband, and know you don't deserve this kind of crap, the somewhere out there is a wonderful woman waiting for a guy like you. One who will be trustworthy! You wife has to work to earn your trust back, if she wants to save your marriage. If not, say see ya! Good luck!

that's the kicker, I have been a good father and husband, a good man. I do the "little things" to make her feel special, appreciated and what nots...Well I used to that is! She's made me feel like complete crap the past couple months, and come to find out it's because she's carrying on a relationship, thinking the grass is greener on the other side?? I don't deserve that!

I will be okay. My kids will be okay. She will probably be okay too, maybe even find love one day if she can ever come to terms with what she's done to this marriage.

Raven you are awsome...That story gave me chills and a tear in my eye.

Well, I cheated. I was stupid for a night. I cheated. And regretted it so badly. After 10yrs of faithful mariage. I regretted it so badly that I told my wife and she was completely unaware. Not even the slight doubt. She cried, I cried. I swore to her that I would do whatever it takes to mend the broken trust.


I worked really hard on this relationship. I took a lot of low blows. But I knew she was worth it. I kept on doing everything I could to make her happy. This lasted for over a year. A year during which I did absolutely everything which was in my power to re-establish love and trust. There were some really low moments. But I knew she was in a lot of pain. She tried really hard, but took some distance to get rid of the pain and in the process, was hurting me, but just to protect herself. It hurt really bad, but I loved her, I always loved her, despite having been such a complete fool. Then recently, after more than a year, she came back to me saying that everything was forgiven, and that she was in love with me again. 2 days later, I realised that she had also cheated on me. Several times. I had several times, serious doubts, but decided to believe her. And who was I to say anything anyway. But recently, doubts were gone. I confronted her and she told me. The truth was actually worse than I expected.

Despite all this, i'm still looking deep down in my heart, if I can forgive her right away, to avoid any further pain. Despite all this, i'm still in love with her.

You know, many people think cheating to get even is going to give them satisfaction or revenge. Thank god I was not one of them. I knew it would only add to the problems and to be honest, in my despair it never even occurred to me, because I loved my husband, and could never replace him with a fling. I am so glad that I didn't because it would have contributed to the end of our marriage. As they say, two wrongs don't make a right, and all I would have felt had I done it, was dirty and ashamed. As dirty and ashamed as he felt when it came out in the open. It solves nothing. The best way to get even it to hold your head up high, know you're a good person that didn't deserve this treatment from someone who is suppose to love you, and go on with your life, whatever the outcome. The cheater will see that they are dealing with someone with integrity, and let's face it, when you are looking for a life partner, which would you rather have...One who lies and cheats, and doesn't respect your vows, or one you know you can count on, to get you through the hard times. Affairs are a hard time, and with compassion and respect, you can make the cheater realize that your marriage is worth the effort. If there is love, many things can be accomplished. If they are hell bent on leaving you, nothing can bring them back, but most of the time, the cheaters are full of indecision, some even want to get caught so they can stop. We don't realize the enormous stress there is for the cheater trying to keep his other life a secret. It's not always the fun and games people think it is. Destroying a marriage never is. Whether the cheater wants to admit it or not, there is tremendous guilt involved. The only ones that don't experience that, are the repeat cheaters who just don't give a darn. And they need to be dumped!

I think people cheat for a number of reasons: as someone said, lack of attention from the other person, loss of interest in that person, revenge for who-knows-what, fear of commitment to one person, or maybe even because they grew up seeing their parents or friends cheating and began to think it was something normal and acceptable.

I know my friend's last girlfriend cheated on him with half a dozen other men before she finally broke up with him. My friend is a really nice, yet sensitive guy - that experience scarred him for life, I think. He refuses to be involved in a real relationship because deep down he's so scared of being hurt like he was again. He seems happy where he is now, surrounded by his dearest friends, but I don't know if every single one of those friends will be there for him ten years down the road. My ex's ex cheated on him, and that made him act overly protective of me (like verbally abusing my male friends who so much as waved at me because ex didn't want me to 'get any ideas').

Some people don't realize how much they can hurt their partners through cheating - it's kind of scary how many people think it's perfectly okay to do it; I don't mean anyone here, but just in general.

raven, you are very wise and so very helpful! I'm holding my head up high and keeping my heart protected. I sincerely hope i'm not one of those who's unable to trust again!

I understand, raven. I know how I felt when I did what I did. I felt so miserable. To this day, I can't even understand why I did this. I love my wife.
But now, I am not sure what to do, her words and her actions are two different things. She says she wants things to work but then I discovered what happened. Had she cheated right after I had told her, it would have been easier to understand somehow. Even if two wrongs don't make a right, I would understand why, out of anger.