Hello there,

i'm a female in my twenties without any kind of health insurance and in a bit of debt. I mention the debt because it's a product of binge spending. I mention the lack of health insurance, because I am having some serious issues and i'm trying to find some advice that might prevent me from resorting to clinical therapy.

First off, I dont feel like I need therapy. I consider myself a bright person, and perhaps I just have the same rational block that others who have a problem with therapy do, but I feel like any alteration there is to be made in my mood and mentality can be made by my own hand. I dont see what paying someone to talk to me would do aside from getting me on some kind of medication (which I really dont want to do).

I called around my area and had some kind of pre-visits with some local counselors and therapists. They all pegged me with bi-polar disorder fairly immediately. But aside from the slight over spending, my so-called "manic" episodes dont seem to be doing anything too harmful. I dont do over-the-top things you hear about in other cases like sleeping around, drinking, partying, drug use, lies, or anything like that. It's very mild.

My father at first glance seems to have had some bipolar issues in his past, and he also seems to have controlled them with age and realization. His temper used to escalate to the point where it was physical and he would realize the error of his ways and take a mental dive, threatening suicide, caliming noone understood him. He has a history of substance abuse as well. He is also magnificantly giving, kind, brilliant and creative at times. I think about the good vs the bad that he has done, and it would seem a great social unjustice to stifle his good side.

I have not had much history with substance abuse. I dont like the feeling of not being in control, because I have that so often without chemical alteration.


The quick diagnosis these few people gave me worries me for a number of reasons. I feel like this diagnosis has become a blanket - a catch all. I dont want the feelings I get when i'm not feeling "down" to go away. I'm a creative person, and my best work comes from these times. Many great artists have had bipolar tendencies, and what would we have had we medicated them? And although there was a time when suicide was at the forefront of my mind when on a down swing - I seem to have talked myself out of that. I changed birth control and it has seemed to take the rough edges off of both sides of the "blade".

The problem isn't even that bad for me, honestly. I can cope. The real issue is here : i'm in a relationship with an absolutley wonderful, caring, and thankfully forgiving person with whom I share a sense of humor, comfort, friendship as well as strong physical attraction. I've hit the jackpot. I feel like im constantly compromising our relationship though. I feel like I can just be a horrible witch to him out of nowhere. It's usually control issues. The "did you do this?!""did you do that?!""you said you would do this!!" kind of things - but glorified to the point of obsession. The major problem is that I realize i'm doing it. I just can't stop. I also have some jealousy and mistrust issues. I just dont know how to stop them

i have anger issues. I have control issues. I want things done my way most of the time. I have an obsession with my current boyfriends sexual history. I masochistically dig for dirt on him, and I need to constantly hear I am the best he's ever had. I do things to make him angry. I nit pick and nag and watch myself do it but cant control it. Its like this sick part of me likes where it goes. And then I physically confront him, get in his face and poke and prod until he retaliates. I started this early in the relationship. He is trained in martial arts and knows ways to control my body without hurting me too much, but I think I tought him to be more forceful with me. He flies off the handle sooner now, and I know that it is my fault. I've worn his tolerance thin for me, and the sad part is that I feel like i'm getting better. As I said, I got off the birth control I was on and that seemed to help quite a lot. It just seems like, due to my actions, his tolerance is so short that I cant improve fast enough or well enough to within his tolerance range anymore.


I really really dont want to be put on medication. I feel like...If changing my birth control helped so much, what other parts of my life can I change before resorting to chemicals. My diet? I've tried more exercise. It definately seems to help a bit too. It helps relax me, so my hang ups arent as intense.


Any other advice on the matter would be just wonderful. Thanks for reading.