Beer troubleshooting

symptom: feet cold and wet.
Fault: glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: feet warm and wet.
Fault: improper bladder control.
Action: stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: glass empty.
Action: get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: you have fallen over backward.
Action: have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: you have fallen forward.
Action: see above.

Symptom: beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: floor blurred.
Fault: you are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: floor moving.
Fault: you are being carried out.
Action: find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: room seems unusually dark.
Fault: bar has closed.
Action: confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: cover mouth.

Symptom: everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: you are dancing on the table.
Action: fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom: beer is crystal-clear.
Fault: it's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: punch him.

Symptom: hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: you have been in a fight.
Action: apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: you've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: see if they have free beer.

Symptom: your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: the beer is too weak.
Action: have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: beer is just right.
Action: play air guitar.