Hello there,

i’m a 20-year old guy and I live in holland. Y’know, amsterdam, the city where you can get weed en go to hookers without being arrested. But I don’t do that, nor I live in amsterdam. I live in a small city near the south, near the border of belgium.

Anyway. You might guess why i’m here: i’m single and unhappy. To explain this a little history.

15-years old: a friend of mine said he had a girlfriend. That’s where it all began: I wanted a girlfriend to.
16-years old: although I still didn’t find a girlfriend many other were single as well, so why bother?
17-years old: it got bad. Many of my friends got girlfriends but what about me?
18-years old: it got even harder! Now it went totally wrong, everybody got a girlfriend except me! What the hell was wrong with me?
19-years old: all of my friends got rid of their virginity and I still didn’t kiss any girl. Can you imagine of worse humiliation? But it did happen. I kissed a girl, she became my girlfriend. It just happened so easily. Couldn’t understand how but hey, I got what I asked for. But it went wrong because several months later she dumped me. Possibly she played me just to have a boyfriend around without really caring for me. Still a virgin, I was back at the beginning. But the worst was about to begin because after I had a girl I was convinced I would find another one soon and easily. Not!
20-years old: feeling bad, real bad. It all makes me so sad, makes my cry sometimes. I got back to the situation of 18. Perhaps even worse! My 15-year old brother now has a girlfriend. I feel ashamed, humiliated and guilty (guilty to everything that happened, or to be more precisely: what did not happen and should have happened). And even my ex-girlfriend has another guy. Alright, I don’t like her any more. She wasn’t perfect but I liked her as she was. Why won’t they like me?

Why is this happening? I mean, I have good qualities, qualities that should mean something! Love, humour, lasting loyality. But appearently they don’t. Sad thing to find out. Although i’m not looking perfect (hare-lip, skinny) I don’t think i’m really ugly… I know that i’m a good person but appearently girls aren’t interested in me, at least no love intrest.

I just can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t think I can ever escape from my thoughts. Reading stories here makes me more sad. Sad to know there are others suffering the same or even worse! Especially the story of an 43-year old guy. I am too weak to withstand the years of pain and agony ahead. That’s why i’m sure I don’t reach the age of 43. Yes, I am thinking of killing myself. Not only for myself but also for others. Because all the frustration I react that to other people like my family and friends. They are also suffering under my frustration. But when i’m gone they won’t have that any longer. I know some people will be sad but I don’t think that will be very long. I think they soon except it and get along with their better life without me.

Honest, I wish this has never happened. But it did happen. It’s incredible to see that just one tiny thing managed to mess me up so badly. That just one little thing keeps my busy in a negative way. It looks so innocent and it was, at the beginning. But now, all those years later it’s horrible. I hate the facts. I can lie about the facts. I can be angry about the facts, but they’re still the facts. I don’t accept myself as I am. Simply because it’s not fair the way I was born. All the other are better off, at least most of them. Stupid reality. I wish I was someone else.

But i’m not someone else. I’m just me. And I believe all this has a reason. I don’t think it’s just ‘bad luck’. So I am trying to find out what it is. I don’t know how yet but I will. And when I finally know the answer to the riddle I think I can say goodbye to this world. Although I don’t know how yet. Where you guys live you can take a gun and get it straight over with.

I am sorry for the long pessimistic post but I was suprised to see a forum like this and I wouldn‘t leave it unnoticed.

Any responses will be much appreciated. Thank you.