This is quite long.

A recollection of my hubby's manic episode

i am married for two years now. We have an 18 months old daughter. I'd like to share to you the story of my husband's manic episode.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I felt I needed to go to the psychiatrist because of post partum depression. I asked hubby if I can but he said I can't and that I didn't need it. One day, we went to his family's house and I talked to her sister. I found out that he was on anti-depression meds back in 1998 before we starting dating. That's when I learned that this sister of his has this bp, his dad, and his 2 aunts. I didn't really care because I never believed that mental illness could be genetic.

April 2005, he went to another country to work. I started finding my own job there and fortunately found one after 1 week of application. So off I go to be with him carrying my mom and my daughter.

June 2005, he came to my office and asked to have lunch with me. So we did. I noticed he seemed to be thinking of something and told me that the land that he owns which was given by his grandpa was being taken back by his grandpa. But they cannot do that since the title of the land is already under my hubby's name. His mom calls him 10 times a day and sends endless sms messages about it. We were in another country...Mind the expense that cost. But this fact bothered him a lot. This was considered his inheritance already. His mom was consulting a lawyer. Too much talk about it that he cant talk to me about it. He kept his family's problems from me. Later I found out that he sent almost all of our savings in the bank to his parents to pay off his parent's debt. Which is about 20,000 usd. A very big amount of money back home.

July 14, I noticed my hubby has been lax towards his work. He has been clamoring about his officemates everyday that it was very very tiring to listen to him. I noticed he was always adding something to his story and was working for only 4-5 hours a day and was charging 8-9 hours. Then he started to cry over small things. He was telling me his friends are using him. That his friends were using their friends to get something out of him. I knew then that he was depressed a few years back, so I told him that we can go and see a doctor so he can get off the depression. I knew he needed help...But he refused. He said he will be ok. Time went on he showed me that he was indeed fine...Until...

August 17, hubby got out of bed late again. I was on a half day leave that day. We were eating breakfast and I told him that his boss might get mad or discover that he was tampering his timesheet and I do not want him to lose his job. He got mad. He told me that there is nothing to worry about. We had a bit of discussion about it until he told me something unexpected.

He drew in his notebook 3 small circles with little circles inside. He then drew on the another page a bigger circle with little circles inside. He asked me what it was. I didn't know of course...For me they were just circles. This is what he said. The small circles are the countries with lowest tax rates so all it projects will go into this countries because the bigger circle which is rome has dictated england to put up a war with usa. He said that this is the reason why he wanted to be an sap architect. Which I did not see the connection. Can you? Anyway, I told him england and usa are not enemies. Asked him where he learned of this and answered he just analyzed it. I tried to talk to him and told him that this will not happen etc etc and he told me ok and that he understands. He decided to go to the office and asked for me and my daughter to accompany him. I agreed. But before we went out the house, he wanted me to look into this website he saved, the rosary. But the pictures were not downloaded to his pc and the website was timed out. He was very mad and kept on saying "they knew I was looking into this website.", "they removed it", "they were really good", "they did it, they did it". I asked him who are "they". He never answered my question. He explained to me the website and it doesnt mean a thing to me. It website contained pictures from leonardo da vinci's paintings, the last supper and the madonna.

In the cab, he said he didn't want to go to office but instead wanted to go to the zoo. And so we did. At the zoo, I noticed he kept on following this man who was about 50-60 years old. Then I asked him for us to go separate ways from the man. We then went to where the penguins were. He stared at the 2 sentence description of the sea cow for 10 minutes. Asked what he is doing he said he is simply reading the sea cow's description. We then walked and walked. He seemed ok but he looked like he was still thinking of something.

After the day tour, we went out for dinner and went back in the zoo to go on the night tour. But before that there was an ethnic show. Actors were from our country and acting like a tribe hunting animals etc etc. He seemed fine so I went to the souvenir shop and bought postcards to send back home. Coming out of the shop I didn't see my hubby or daughter. I saw him being pulled away from the crowd by one of the tourist guides. So I went where they sat. Then I saw him, in tears. He told the tourist guide that we all should listen. That I should start believing. He then repeated the same "concept" of the war and countries and it projects that I mentioned earlier...But this time it's different. He said that this is his "premonition". That he already saw the end of the world. The tourist guide hugged him and told him...To think of only me and our daughter. That daughter is still very young. That he is still very young. That he should not have a breakdown. The tourist guide hugged me too. Then he went back to his group, obviously troubled by my husband's statements. Hubby was also obviously disappointed by the tourist guide's reaction. I told him we go home but he insisted on going back in the zoo for the night tour.

Since I was carrying our daughter, the zoo guide asked me to wait in front of the line and hubby will need to wait at the end of the line. The tram came and hubby came to me crying. When asked why, he said he just saw this pictures of the animals on the tram and said that he missed "being" with the animals...I didn't know what he meant. I guess he misses his dogs back in our country. As the tram ran, he started to shout and say "it's beautiful and that it is nice being with the animals". I was holding him because he might jump off the tram and hug the elephants or the wild pigs. So scary. As the tour came to an end. He was kind of refreshed. But I knew something was definitely wrong. We went to 7-11, he bought a box of chocolate for me, a toy for my kid, 2 magazines for me and a nature magazine. These cost a hefty 45 usd. We rode the taxi, and he couldn't tell the taxi driver where we lived!!! So I talked to the taxi instead.

At home, I asked my mom to take my daughter. I called his parents back home, cried over the phone to help me because I didn't know what I needed to do. I knew that there was something wrong. Since we were new in the country I didn't know the hospital numbers, the emergency number or even the police number. His parents asked me to accompany him and go to the hospital. I asked his brother to talk to him. So they did. Hubby cried over the phone and said he missed the rice fields and he wants to see the dogs etc etc. I went out the room because it breaks me so much to see him break into pieces over an unseen force. After the telephone conversation, I asked him to go to the doctor the next morning with me just for a talk. I promised him no meds. He agreed.

I went back to the kitchen to fix us some snacks since it was almost midnight. He also asked for that postcards that I bought from the zoo. He was saying yes to the zoo. He said that the posters were signs. The message was "see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil". He said he just analyzed the pictures.

August 18, midnight. He went to find me. I asked him if he wanted to go on vacation to see his parents and family after 1 week, since he has money in the bank. He said he cant. Because if we do our country will be destroyed. I told him to not say that. I reminded him that we will go to the doctor. He said he wont. I replied that he already agreed. He said he wont because he knows that the end of the world will come. This really blew my mind. I told him to stop acting like he is the savior. He said that he is the savior. I started crying and shouting for him to stop it. I didn't know what to do. I loved this man in front of me but it felt like I didn't know him. My mom came running to us. Hubby suddenly hugged us tightly and it hurt me and my mom. He said that we will not go back home for four years or else our families back home will be killed. That our country will be destroyed. My mom asked me to go and look at my daughter. I just went out the kitchen but was still listening nearby. He suddenly came running out and was shouting my name. My mom came running after him. He saw me and told me to just stay put. They then went to our bedroom and I went to my mom's room where my daughter was sound asleep.

2:00 am. My mom after a long conversation with hubby went out. Fixed some food for hubby and told me hubby didn't want me to sleep with him in our room. After that he kissed me goodnight and promised me that everything will be ok the next morning. My mom went to her room where I and my daughter are staying. She told me what he said.

From their earlier conversation, when I went our of the kitchen, hubby kneeled down, held my mom's hand so tight. Begged her for us to not go back home. He said we needed to stay in this country for 4 years until the war is over. He said we will all be killed. In our bedroom, he told my mom that the guys in the frobes magazine, which included bill gates and the other 2 top billionaires are out to get him. And that they envy him of his success at work and that they are plotting an assassination. The only safe place he will be is in this country. They cannot harm us here. He told my mom that he can see the future and he needed to protect us. After their long conversation, he told my mom he was hungry but only wanted tea. He made himself some tea and my mom went to make some sandwich for him.

Mom and I tried to sleep but we couldn't since we can still hear hubby still moving around the room until am in the morning. Then we slept.

We woke up at 8 am since baby wants to eat already. Hubby came into our room and then kissed me and the baby. I followed him and asked if he wanted some food. He just nod. I went to the kitchen fixed him some peanut butter sandwich. Then he came back from our room and he was holding a plastic bag. He was picking up my daughter's toys and was humming and then laughing to himself. I ask him what he was doing. I was touching his back but he made a hand gesture to refrain from touching him. I did as he requested. I watched him pick up my daughter's toys while he was humming a song I have never heard of before. His hum got louder and I got afraid so I went back to my mom's room. Locked the room and called his parent again. They told me to call the hospital already. Then I called my father and sister. They told me not to call hospital as of yet because it might be traumatic for rolex if they come and get him by force. I called the hospital and also told me to let hubby calm down first then ask him if he can accompany me to the hospital. Then after talking to them, I suddenly heard a loud thud in the room. He locked our room and he was crying out loud saying forgive him for he has sinned. Then continued loud thuds. He continued to cry. We tried to calm him down but he continued to cry and talk to himself. I heard him throw up.

After an hour he was quite. We opened the door using a key. He was lying on the floor talking to his college diploma and shouted "you're a person". Then, he stood up and smiled to us. He greeted our baby hello. He grab our baby and his mood quickly changed like a blink of an eye. He was suddenly held our baby by her hand, like being baptized during the old days, squeezing her tiny little hands so hard the her hand was turning violet. We tried to grab her from his grip and the shoved me and my mom and said that there is a message that needs to be conveyed to us. Then he asks us to kneel down. We were hysterical at this time as we were very concerned with the baby's hand. Then he pulled baby's left hand farther left and pulling the other hand farther right. My baby was crying because she was afraid and very hurt. He was now holding her like a cross...Like pulling her apart into pieces...Like a rag doll...It's a torture done in the old days right? Pulling your arms until one armed or hand gets "pulled out". My baby's fingers were violet already. I was screaming at my hubby because the little fingers might ran out of blood...And we all know what that means. I and my mom kneeled and he said the message was "see no evil, hear no evil, see no evil". Then he was laughing and he threw baby to the air 3 times and gave the baby to us. My baby's hand had bruises. Some of her veins burst. She was shaking. She was shocked. Some of her fingers were violet.

Then I called up my friend that I cannot go to work. She asked me why and I cannot help it but break into tears and told her that my hubby was sick. Very sick. My boss sent sms to me numbers of the mental hospital here. I called hospital and asked me to call ambulance. I called ambulance and asked them to be accompanied by someone big. Because hubby is muscular, 60-70 kgs and is 6 foot tall. They were not arriving after 10 minutes. I called again and they told me that they are now on the way they were just a few minutes delayed because they till waited for the police to arrive. Five minutes later the police car and the ambulance arrived. Me and my mom was shaking because of what happened to my little angel. I gave the key to the biggest police. When he opened the door, hubby came out wearing his red shades he has band aids on one of his eyes and both his ears. He was also holding a yellow highlighter pen. He hugged the big police man and acted normal. He hugged me and said he needed to drink some water. I asked my mom to go out of the house and stand beside one of the policemen. The ambulance people and the other policemen inside the house (4 of them) were all calm and talking to him in a very polite manner, which I appreciated. They asked him to sit down the stretcher for his stats to be checked. As they talked, he shouted to them and asked them to shut up. He was talking on our language and refused to talk in english. He was asking for me. I hugged me again and cried. I asked him if he wanted to see his mom and he said yes. He was pointing to the painting in front of him and said that it was mother mary in the water falls. He was hallucinating. The ambulance people got his stats and told me that they cannot bring him to the hospital since he is all normal. I refused to not let him go to the hospital because he hurt my baby already. Who knows what he will do. One of the police women asked me to go to the dinning to file a police report so they can bring him to the police station and observe him. If still acting weird then that's the time they bring him to the hospital.

After they interviewed me as to what happened, I went back to see my husband. I found him strapped on the stretcher. Face down. The policemen then handcuffed him...Like a criminal. I cant accept but I was relieved. The police asked me and my mom not go to down the house. They said to stay put and they will just contact us on what will happen to him. After 5 minutes, the another policeman came in the house to take pictures of what he did in the room. He has writings on the wall, he destroyed the cable and internet outlet. His papers were all over the place. Then he said that hubby started acting weird again in the police car. But need not to worry since they promised not to hurt him unless necessary.

After 2-3 hours, they phoned us and told us that he needs to go to the hospital because he had some head injuries. After 2 hours he was checked in the hospital. We were not allowed to see him until the next day. I was told he was tied up for the night because he was quite violent.

The next day, I went to visit him but he was very sleepy. He was not tied up anymore. I noticed his right ankle had a bad injury. Very deep, the skin and part of the muscles were cut off. Come sunday, i, mom and daughter all visited him. My daughter was so afraid of him that she threw up twice when held by him. We were still quite not in ourselves as we were all in shock. My mom threw up when we went home. I throw up in the morning. I felt like my two legs were cut off. I didn't have the strength. I felt like my whole world went to nothing. I was a his wife, I loved him but he left me. He left me. He left me.

A week and a half passed by and the doctors had given discharge orders for my hubby after 14 days. They told me that he needs to be in the hospital for at least 4 weeks. But hubby acts really normal, so we insisted of letting him go home. We went home and 3 days after he went back to work.

He had a follow up check-up wednesday that work week. He was ok.

Come friday, hubby looks weird again. His eyes was moving here and there. I didn't know why. Even if he is just watching tv his eyes were still moving rapidly. Saturday night, he held my daughter. They were walking near the window. By the way, we were staying at the 5th floor. He told my daughter "don't go there" three times...While holding her. Then I asked him why he kept on telling my daughter not to go there...He said because she wanted to jump out the window. I went to get my baby and told him why tell her that when he is the one holding the baby. He didn't answer.

Sunday morning, he woke up 5:30 am. Too early than he usually do. He went out the room and didn't return. I followed him and found him. He was at the dining table, eating sandwich, writing something and I saw him staring at the nature magazine we bought from zoo. Then I asked him to go back to bed until the sun comes out. He did. He said he was just making his schedule for the week so he doesn't have to think of it.

We went back to bed and woke up at am. We headed to the church. Only me and him. At the church, we went to the altar where we put up candles. He put one. I out 6, for my family, me and my daughter. He then started crying hard. I knew he had another mood swing attack. I asked him to accompany me outside the church so we can talk about why he cried. He said he was just sooo happy that everything now is peaceful and all. And that everything was happy. Mass started and my tears keep rolling out of my eyes as if they had their own mind. He then asked me, what does 999 mean. I said I haven't heard of it. He said he needed to talk to the priest who was conducting the mass. He then went out the church and went to the church office, to ask them to stop the mass because he needed to asked the priest what 999 means. But he has no chance. I followed him but did not find him. I waited a few minutes and went in the church again and found him again at the candle stand. I ask him if we can go home. So we did. We walked to the next bus station because I needed to distract him...That's what I thought could help him. We went home and everything seemed quite ok. Then he asked me to have a walk around the condo. So we did. By the way, our condo is the resort type. Quite a big area with 4 pools, basketball court, 3 tennis courts and about 7 towers. Anyway, as we were walking he was telling me what he felt and saw back in the church. He was trying to stop his tears but I knew...He cannot fool me the second time. When he said that the candle fire turned into human figures, I asked him to come with me to the hospital. This time I was firm. He agreed but still tried to get out of it. Like he was afraid to see a doctor. That he felt ok. That he felt "normal". I got dressed and hailed taxi.

It will take about 25 minutes before we reach the hospital. In the taxi, he started having his delusions. He acted like a lion. He was singing a religious song with hisses and growls. Then he pulled something our of his pockets, his goggles...Which were black. By this time it was already 8-9pm. He put on his goggles and cried and cried. Then he opened his eyes and said he cannot see. I wanted to laugh so hard. I wanted to slap him and tell him it's because of his goggles!!! I think by this time I wasn't about to get hysterical anymore. Since I somehow know how to handle him. I just sat there and listened to him preach that he is the saviors again. And ask forgiveness again. He was not check in at this time but came home with me. His medication increased. Had a sound sleep but woke up very early and went to work so early. Telling us he will be late.

I went to work too. But 10am I was trying to call him to ask how he is, but he wasn't answering. Until lunch time. He wasn't. So I called his office, his secretary said that some of his officemates brought him to the hospital already. I found his officemates very disturbed at the hospital lobby. They couldn't tell me what happened. But I didn't feel a thing. I was quite thankful this happened since I need him to go back to our country so his family can help take care of him. I asked the emergency doctor to please check him in the hospital because I do not want him to hurt us anymore...Specially the baby. He also agreed to be checked in. His doctors are now quite firm that he cant go out of the hospital until he gets pretty well. I asked his employer, who told me that they will terminate his employment because of his "unacceptable actions" in the clients office, to extend his employment but without pay until the time doctors say he can go home. They agreed.

Four weeks after, we were off to our country. I left my daughter who will be staying with my mom. I went back to this country after 4 days. Two weeks after arrival hubby already got a high paying job where start date will be a month from signing. I needed to go back here because I cannot simple go back home without work. I needed to supports hubby's expensive medication and doctor's fee. I needed to feed my daughter. And my contract does not another 1.5 years. If I end it earlier, I wont have a job back home, and I need to pay a month's salary as bond. I cannot risk my baby getting hungry.

I went visited him last 27th of oct.

Now, hubby is quite ok. But I know he still having attacks of moods swings, depressions and sexual fantasies specially last december when I caught him registering into this website. Professing that he cannot remember that he created that profile. Which later he admitted and said I investigate like a csi. He got mad at me for reminding his doctor's check up and refused to go last jan 3. But he went jan 20th instead. He said waste of money.

I guess, he will never know why I keep on insisting this to him. He will never understand it. Because he always tells me he is not crazy and that he is not sick and that he will be off meds also. I only want him to be stable and us to live a life that is far from calling the police, away from psychiatric wards, away from hurting our child or anyone for that matter, away from him having delusions and hallucinations.

I need him in my life..His family need him in their lives. My daughter needs him. Only me and my mom can tell how severe it was, how horrible it was and how hopeless we were. It was terribly traumatic for us. But we need him to be stable. We do not want him to experience another psychotic episode. We do not want him to lose his job once again because he loses his self-esteem and self-confidence. We do not want him to be in a psychiatric ward again. I do not want this illness to ruin his life...That's why I want him to be one meds for as long as it takes...Which is his lifetime. I hope he does follow the doctors. I wish he keeps his commitment on making himself stable and I keep my commitment to him as a wife.

For now, I am still struggling to forget what had happened. To fully accept that hubby will never be that man I married but instead a "renewed" one. Slightly different but still the same man. As long as I can still hold on to him...I will. I wish I can hold on until the end.