hi again, angry

i would go to a doctor.. And have a little chat. He/she might have methods for you to control your mouth. It's hard..Especially if you don't know when you are doing it or not. Just think.. Before you say it- how would you feel if someone said what you were thinking- directly to you? What kind of reaction do you think you would get?

I am sure there are support groups for this.. Join one- and listen in and get input from others going through the same thing as you! Google it

i hope this helps-

-= red =-

I just came across you message. I am curios whether or not you and your wife reunited. I hope so...but only if you have taken the steps to get help. There are reasons why people do what they do and there is nothing a person can do to deserve abuse from their partner. There is no justifying it either. By justifying it, you are giving yourself an excuse/permission not to change and take responsibilty. If you take the steps to get help you might find out that there is a person in there that you really like and that person is someone your wife loves. Be the husband and man you should...stand up and take a few blows from yourself...fight the demon inside. don't take your inside crap anymore. Myself, I just ended a 3 year relationship with a man who was verablly abusive for the duration of the relationship. I made apoint not to take it personal because I knew what he was saying was not true about me...unfortunately...it slowing escalated..to grabbing and just very recently he became very violent towards me. He hurt me. I reported him to the police and he is being charged. I didn't want to. But he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem. And what he did was not right. I still love him and I hope that he will now get the help he needs or realize that he was killing the relationship. I just wish someone else could have explained this to him before this all happened. I want him back...but only if he has helped himself. Unfortunately he will never know this. I hope things work out for you.

I understand how you feel! this person has not been on in a while but formt he last time I talked to him,things were not going so well,only because his wife seemed to be over everything even though he was trying to change.I have not spoken to him in a while and I hope everything is well for him.

I read this post and it made me cry. I am with a person who is verbally and emotionally abusive but he does not see what he does and blames everything on me...It is amazing to me that you see the problem and you want to work on it. It is understandable that she is scared that it will not get better and she probably feels a sense of relief since the split. You need to go to counesling for this with and/or without her. I can't say that she will ever get back with you. I got back with mine 2 years after...he changed only for him to change back to his old ways. I saw a change in him in the beginning but it was like he had me back and didn't need the counseling anymore and that was a big part of his change back to his old ways. I do think that if you start you should never stop because there is a reason why you are this way and it won't just get better right away and this is the kind of thing that you need to follow through with. I wish you the best of luck...I think that after you start counseling ask her if she will be willing to go to counseling with you, that would be a good start.

I am a verbally abusive man. I only realized this a few days ago...I really went over the edge with my ex-girlfriend. Only after a stranger said something did I realize how awful I have been. I already have an appointment with a therapist and want nothing more than to change. But I believe that any change will not fix my past...it may be that I must live with what I have done and perhaps that will be the compass that keeps me on course...I don't know...I think that once the problem is acknowledged, separation is the best...probably permanent (I only realized my abuse two days ago and can only guess). Recognition and attempts to change are good, but is it fair to ask someone to stick by you? I don't think so. It does appear while I loved my girlfriend, it was more important for me to make her love me...I was so very wrong. Let her go, you understand your problem, now understand the best thing is to let her heal. Holding on to someone who needs you to go is itself abusive...

I now it hurts, first hand...the burden we must bear for the problems we created. I'll see what my first ever therapist thinks...maybe I'm wrong in this too...I am so confused I cannot tell if I am sounding sane only to justify my insanity! I know the anger management and verbal abuse problems are mine. I feel I want to change...but if I lied to myself about my problems for decades, and without a second thought, am I lying now and just not realizing it? I will keep brief updates if my therapist thinks it will be helpful to me and in turn maybe it will be helpful to others.

please keep posting I would love to hear your story. I will send you a pm.

Rosie, not sure if my note got back to you. If not let me know...seems replying to inbox notes is hard for me at the moment too...

Well things continue to get a little better but I have a ways to go. A few breakthroughs, no resolutions yet (besides the fact just knowing things helps). I few things came out that helped me a lot including knowing the Ex is doing okay (as best I think as she can after me). I now know too that I didn't imagine everything, I just didn't understand which really pushed my anger. Then I blew things out of proportion to justify my anger to myself, that plus wanting more than she could give...bad combinations...The guilt remains and is a good focal point for my attention right now, I'm hoping it keeps me on track.

Bottom line, still working on me and refusing to quit.

I too am realizing many things. I had a revelation. I was praying the other night looking up at the stars. I began to feel this sudden panic, unimaginable grief and heartache. I didn’t understand where it came from. And then my mind replayed all the nasty things I did and said to Daniel. I saw for the 1st time his hurt at my actions. I could also see the progression. Even when he told me I still kept going and even took it more to the extreme each time until he left me.

I don’t know what this means for me, other than the fact that I cannot believe this man still loves me and is willing to give us a second chance. My guilt weighed heavy on my chest. How do you change that? How does one heal from that kind of pain. This man treated me like a goddess.

Im scared. Im so scared that Im broken. That I cant change or that once he comes back to me we will end up where we were before. My old behaviors always come back, they only stay hidden so long. How do I stop, how do you change your entire way of thinking and believing?

Tough to really work this stuff out. I think you got the first part, acknowledging a problem. Now what can be done? Everyone will have different approaches to working things out but it seems patience is a universal requirement. No matter how fast we want to move forward again, I think patience will help find the root of whats driving your actions. Patience will help you from pushing when you you should be listening and considering things first.

Consider the pain and guilt as a sign that there is something that needs to be done. Fact is it seems not recognizing there is a problem is common, too. Recognizing there's a problem is a victory, good job getting there.

I don't think you want to hurt anyone and if thats the case, then making sure you don't in the future will be a priority. Understand too, you're no alone. I wish I knew all the answers but then I would be in better shape myself. Again, good start, keep trying.

An update...but where to start?

The "Ex" and I had been speaking and things were going well with therapy. I had planned to see her (by mutual consent) this last weekend. Anyway, of course it fell through and I was hurt. Seems the same issues that bothered me before and pushed us apart came up. I was able to keep from letting any real anger come out but was very hurt. Anyway, had I just let it be I think things would have been okay. At this point I hold little hope of hearing from her. I still want her in my life but I need to focus on me and we need to be apart. It was way too soon and I don't know that either of us were ready.

There is obviously more to whole event in terms why things went the direction they did but I think the real answer is it was too much, too soon.

The therapist was not impressed though we were able to talk about things that I could be doing to improve myself. I am keeping on plan with sessions and will continue to do so. It's clear it will be a while and I just need to accept that (which is part of what I'm struggling with). If anything this just shows me that these problems need to be and remain my number one priority. I need not accept my problems or hang-ups (so long as I work to change things) but I do need to accept those of others or move on. I think this emphasizes as well that knowing your issues is only a start...

Can I change? You bet...I have begun to, but not overnight and not without a lot of pain.

By the way, I know this is not my personal "venting" forum, it's designed more for questions and answers. It has been helpful to "talk" though and I appreciate the patience of anyone that reads this.

I have left my husband twice now, because of his verbal abuse. The 1st time, we tried working it out and fell back into the same pattern. Here we are again, TRYING again to work it out. We have a 2 year old daughter and boy am I exhausted!! And sooo scared, that no matter what he does - it will all be the same again after a few months, I'm terrified! We're making a 4 month separation plan, which includes Anger Management, Therapy and reading books on verbal abuse. He is committing to it, I pray that it works, I'm tired of the roller coaster!!!!!!

I wish you the best, brainheart. I like the idea of a plan and really hope it works out. I'm sorry you are apprehensive but I think you are right to be. This is a hard thing to break from. If the plan works it would probably be a good idea to keep therapy in play periodically to make sure the train doesn't jump the tracks. Maybe going to therapy as a couple a few times wouldn't hurt either. I would keep a close eye on any suggestions to drop the plan, too. Lastly and not to be negative, but be prepared to move on at a moments notice. The safety and happiness of you and your child need to be insured. I'm convinced there can be change (of course I'm biased in that respect). I'm also convinced there's no guarantee it will happen.

As for my ex and I, we're done. I certainly don't want it that way but I don't see her calling and it would be wrong for me to call her. I need respect her wishes and will do so.

Thanks for the words of encouragement brokeninside. My husband has taken a very extreme approach, each time we separated - he was relentless in trying to convince me being apart was wrong. At first it was vicious, borderline psychotic, then it turned into broken, sincere, accepting, etc. I really hope it works because I am IN LOVE with the good person in him and his "other" personality is what has to change. Like you said, I need to have one foot in the door and the other ready to go, and that is hard for me. It's hard to put my faith into him and try for us, when I am constantly thinking of the likelihood of it working and our track record. Counseling is a must and so far he has stuck to the plan willingly. My daughter adores him and he is a great Dad, so if we had to split a 3rd time - I'm not sure I could physically handle the anguish. I think right now, that fear, shows I need some time to heal and just be certain we are completely okay before we get back together, even if it takes longer than we anticipated.

Well, my final "about me" on this side of the boards I hope.

I'm still seeking therapy and things are going well. The focus has been more about working on confidence lately and resolving issues with neediness due to a lack of confidence. This really seems to have snowballed over the years to the point that my last relationship really brought a desperation that I let control me. Interesting how one general tendency can get away from you when you pile on years of disappointments. Really the stage was set by the time I got partway into my last relationship.

Anger management hasn't been as much of a factor though I know how out-of-line I got, particularly in the end. I've been touching on some cognitive behavioral therapy for some of that control. Anger also had roots in fear and desperation. As far as demanding time through my desperation, I agree with the therapist that it wasn't such a matter of control as it was again about a desperation and neediness, some loneliness and fear. I ultimately smothered the relationship because I didn't have the confidence in myself or the relationship.

It's hard to summarize things without spitting out all the details, but suffice it to say that I have a good understanding of where my demons came from and I'm going to continue to insure that I find better and more confident ways to either express my frustrations or work through them.

I wish I had the learned what I know now sooner. I wish I had not let it hurt anyone. The regrets and shame will remain as they probably should. I will continue therapy until I feel the confidence I need as well as until prove to myself and others that I can treat people that I care about how they deserve to be treated. I know I'm not done with "me" and still have work ahead of me.

Thanks for everyones time and input. I find the boards helpful and will put in my two-bits from time to time, hopefully it will be as helpful to others as it is to me to do so.

I recommend that men read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" It is specifically about abuse, including verbal. It's not an "anger management" or "childhood trauma" or "came from an abusive home..." or substance abuse or insecurity or low self-esteem or fear of abandonment problem - they are not causes. If your therapist is focusing on those things it misses the mark and you can save your money. It is ATTITUDE - simply, "entitlement." It is very difficult and rare to "cure." Good luck.

broken inside
i m glad your getting help and your learning from your misteakes. i have mental battle scares from my past abusive relationship. i fled from philly to florida leaving everything behind & i hold so much anger inside...i left everything behind and my son and i had to start over.

Thank you Denise, I appreciate the support. I haven't forgotten how out-of-line I was during the ending of things but have backed-off on thinking the whole relationship was one of systematic verbal abuse. During the relationship I was essentially being overly needy and I had spikes of anger. The anger was sharp and that itself scared me. I didn't belitte my ex or blame her for my problems. I didn't hit her, try to control her, humiliate, or try to isolate her, etc.

I was needy and it became more pronounced as she pushed further away. I really pushed her to talk about what was going on as well which she was never really prepared to do.

In the last month or so she told me she has for years suspected she had some mild Aspergers Syndrome. We talked and I researched a little and it seemed to fit. Her learned profession is technical in nature. She has issues with crowds, eye contact, and expressing herself. She did seem a little clumsy as well. She also never seemed to understand when I upset or the depth of how upset I was (lack of empathy). She never seemed to catch my my facial and body expressions. Some of the things she did were hurtful but I now realize it wasn't always intended, she just didn't understand how hurtful they might be. I used tell a friend she just didn't seem to "get it" when I had an issue with something that I thought was going wrong in the relationship. I ignored the signs and chalked the "not getting it" up to her not wanting to "get it". While I pushed to be closer, she really couldn't be.

I didn't say much about her in my posts because I didn't want to have it look like I was blaming my ex or making excuses for my behavior. I don't blame her for my loss of self-control or for my failure to work with what should have been evident to me. Certainly I don't blame her for my anger management issues. She is who she is and had I been more sensitive I would have seen that. Nothing she did is an excuse for me reacting as I did.

HEADSPIN - Thanks for your input. I agree as does my therapist that the Freudian style has pretty much been debunked. My posts were alot me analyzing myself...the therapist wasn't heading that way. I do find it all interesting probably because this is all "new" for me. Again though, this is not the therapist's "method" and the sessions don't consist of rehashing my past.

I too am a verbally abusive male and are working on curing my problem. My wife and I were married for 7 years and divorced because of my abusive nature. Five years later we reunited and remarried. We have three children 19, 9 and 2! And again are seperated because of me.
I am the reason my wife is so unhappy because I am a jerk. I get upset, I am loud and have a very harsh east coast tounge. I have read Bancrofts book and Evans book, which now have me even more depressed.
I will do anything that is asked of me for my wife and family, but I need clear direction. The therapist makes me talk about 'my week' but never adds advice, the mens group I found was filled with court ordered violent offenders who beat or harmed their other!
I also are seeing a Dr. and have been taking Lexapro which has helped take a lot of anxity down.
But my big fear is that all the research, all the online articals, all the books make me believe that I can never stop this particular aspect of myself. The information makes me think I am a monster and aweful human being.
I admit, I need help..........but am I a lost cause?