Teen Pregnancy Forum - How Do You Handle It?

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Q: How Do You Handle It?

asked by: insanemommy on January 17th, 2007

New User

I'm 20 years old, hardly a baby, (though i'm still very young) and now 17 weeks pregnant. I've made a trip to the abortion clinic, i've gone somewhat nuts and had thoughts about trying to end my pregnancy myself ( be it with herbs or cruder methods) and i'm going quite insane, I think.
I have the most wonderful fiance in the world. I love him dearly, and we're to be married next summer. He's super excited about the little boy on the way, and my mother, now that the shock has wore off, is just as pleased, his family is also consumed with baby joy. Everyone but me.
I've made countless appointments at the clinic, and each time, something has happened that has deterred me. The first time, his parents begged me to keep it, and said I would be a murderer. The second time, my fiances pleading got to me, "please don't kill our baby". The third, I was actually at the clinic and backed out after the ultrasound for reasons I can't even tell you. I'm not sure why I turned away. I just ended up going home and wasting 200 dollars on the ultrasound fee's.
I had then made up my mind and decided to give it another shot, and I woke up the morning of the appt. And was gushing the blood. I hate to say that I was hoping it was a miscarriage. But turns out, I have a low lying placenta and had to be placed in the hospital.
As you can tell, i'm haven't had luck at all with terminating, and now, I agree with everyone, I am too far along for it not to be cruel. Although I feel no love or softening tward my baby, I won't let it be ripped apart knowing it will feel pain at such a late stage. Plus, my religious beliefs leave me believing I will split hell wide open in a pretty handbasket if I do this.
I saw a therapist yesterday, and felt they judged me when they asked what I felt twards the baby. " I want it out of me". I now have to go to therapy twice a week because of my big mouth, but I figured honestly was the best policy if i'm to truly get help. I was diagnosed with manic depression.
I'm going insane. God knows where this depression is coming from, I couldn't tell you. The shrink seems to think the hormones are causing my brain to release chemicals that are triggering my constant episode. I have these horrible thoughts, i'm driving my poor fiance and my mother insane. I go to bed crying each night, and fight with the urge to just throw myself from the nearest bridge. I feel like it's taking over my body and mind and is draining the life from me.
I know you'll all think i'm awful, but I hope not. I'm older than most here, and i'm envious of all of you mothers who are younger than me and are handling this like the most mature adults, and with happiness. I wish I could trade places with you, for just one day, and maybe I could feel sane again. I have never felt so out of control. For my fiances sake, I wish I could share his happiness.
The little kicks have started, and I still feel this strange detatchment, and even horror.
May god help me if this doesn't go away, or i'm afraid i'll be the worst mother ever.
I had thought before that being pregnant would be a joy to me. Instead, something about it has driven me nuts. Hopefully the therapy helps. I'm really trying this, and i'm keeping away from the temptation to call the clinic.
Hats off to those of you that are 14 and 15 and are being supermoms about your situations.
Have any of you ever delt with this? A complete unwanted pregnancy on your part that left you thinking crazy thoughts?
Don't bash, please.

Replies(14)

ThriftyGal

replied on January 17th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Look into adoption.

Melissa_20

replied on January 17th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

I agree with tanya but concidering the fact that its not just your baby it won't work.You said that before you got pregnant you thought it would be a joyous thing for you.Maybe the horomones that have come along with the pregnancy.Do they have you on any meds for this? Why don't you want your baby.

Not being rude but you might waan post this on the abortion forum or the depresion forum.You might get more help and someone might be in an alike situation! I hope things get better for you!

Mabel

replied on January 17th, 2007

Moderator

What kind of medication are you on, sweetie? This is pregnancy depression, which is actually more common and yet not talked about as much as post partum depression.

Obviously it isn't 'luck' that has stopped you from terminating. Y.O.U have stopped you from terminating your pregnancy. Now, actually, it is too late and no one will do a late stage abortion on you. So you can put that right out of your head.

You need to get onto some type of medication and you are doing well being honest with your therapist. You aren't 'doomed' to therapy. It may not seem like it, but this is only a temporary state and things will change when your hormones get regulated again.

ThriftyGal

replied on January 17th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Oh yeah and don't think you are some evil horrible person. A lot of people have feelings like this, but won't ever admit or talk about it. We live in a society where it is almost unacceptable to talk of pregnancy or motherhood in anyway that isn't praising it, but in reality so many women have these feelings. You said you were religious, so maybe look to that for strength. I thought a lot of the same things as you while pregnant, I was so sad and really just wanted my old life back. Even after my daughter was born it wasn't instantaneous, I spend a lot of time in the hospital crying wanting to just give her to someone else. Now she is 12 days old and just in the last couple of days have I felt like I was bonding with her, which to some people might seem like i'm a bad mother, or a cold person. Just know it's very possible, and the most likely outcome, that you will love your baby, even though the way you feel right now might make you feel like that is impossible. Don't feel guilty for the way you feel, i'm sure if you could help it you wouldn't feel that way.

*let me clarify for everyone on here my thoughts weren't of wanting to hurt my baby or end my pregnancy myself, just some really depressing thoughts about motherhood and having my baby, and wishing for an easy way out*

Jules

replied on January 17th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

You're not a bad person, you are just an unwell one; it's good that you are getting therapy because I think that will help you a lot. I've heard of other women suffering the way you are and if you're bipolar it doesn't seem unlikely that it's the pregnancy hormones making you feel so bad.

Keep seeing your doctor/therapist/anyone who can help you. I don't think abortion is what you really want - in fact, it sounds like it may well cause you to have a further emotional decline. I understand that you want to feel 'normal' again and, at the moment, you think that means not being pregnant. Things will get better for you with the right treatment. Don't feel ashamed or down on yourself; everyone gets ill! I've had depression and social anxiety/phobias so I understand the feeling of it all crushing down on you but it won't always be like this.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy - it will be worth it!

Try posting on the bipolar board too.

Becky

replied on January 17th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

I really feel for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I was the same with my first pregnancy. I sent my daughter to live with my grandma on the other side of the country for a week and didn't want her back. I cried when I picked her up and they thought it was cause I missed her but it was cause I didn't want her back.

For the first few months her dad had her nearly all the time. I just didn't want her. I don't know what happened but one day something just clicked and I realised I did love her after all. Then I had immense guilt and wanted to be with her all the time.

I would consider adoption but think about it very carefully. It is a huge decision and one that you could regret if it is not what you really want. Failing that you could do what I did and get people to take him for the first few weeks and see if it makes a difference. You may not feel any different. You may not want him back, in which case adoption may be nessecary. But it may make you miss him enough to want him back.

Antental depression is very common and is sometimes just blamed on hormones but you are more likely to develop postnatal depression and might need tablets to help you through.

I really hope everything works out for you. Good luck and i'll be thinking of you.

Melissa_20

replied on January 17th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

tanyaface wrote:

even after my daughter was born it wasn't instantaneous, I spend a lot of time in the hospital crying wanting to just give her to someone else. Now she is 12 days old and just in the last couple of days have I felt like I was bonding with her, which to some people might seem like i'm a bad mother, or a cold person.

i thought that was odd at first but apperantly its very common to fell that way.It doesn't make you a bad mother Wink

Sail Away

replied on January 18th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

Okay...I had ppd with both of my pregnancies and never felt that I didn't love either of my kids, and I never felt the need to just want to be away from them.

If you weren't depressed before pregnancy i'm pretty sure that's the reason why your so depressed, and it seems to me like all you need is to see a doctor, get on some meds and to get some rest.

Getting pregnant is a really big change in a persons life...And I know how hard it is to soak all of it up at once. But to be seriously honestly with you...It's not all that bad. Things may seem like the end of the world now but your not in your normal state of mind. Pregnancy really does do this to some women...That's the sad thing about it, sometimes they get lucky and get on the right kind of medication and sometimes they spend 9 months having these feelings.

You'll feel differently when your little one is born, babies truly are the most precious things in the world.

oh_mommy

replied on January 18th, 2007

Supporter

dalicialovesyou wrote:

okay...I had ppd with both of my pregnancies and never felt that I didn't love either of my kids, and I never felt the need to just want to be away from them.

If you weren't depressed before pregnancy i'm pretty sure that's the reason why your so depressed, and it seems to me like all you need is to see a doctor, get on some meds and to get some rest.

Getting pregnant is a really big change in a persons life...And I know how hard it is to soak all of it up at once. But to be seriously honestly with you...It's not all that bad. Things may seem like the end of the world now but your not in your normal state of mind. Pregnancy really does do this to some women...That's the sad thing about it, sometimes they get lucky and get on the right kind of medication and sometimes they spend 9 months having these feelings.

You'll feel differently when your little one is born, babies truly are the most precious things in the world.

both pregnancys? You have more then just brayden?

Sail Away

replied on January 18th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

oh_mommy wrote:

dalicialovesyou wrote:

both pregnancys? You have more then just brayden?

yeah!! A lot of people know about it on here but I guess I don't talk about it enough for .E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. To know.

I had a baby really young actually, a girl. I gave her up for adoption. I still see her sometimes and talk to her often

haha silly girl!!

Becky

replied on January 18th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

dalicialovesyou wrote:

okay...I had ppd with both of my pregnancies and never felt that I didn't love either of my kids, and I never felt the need to just want to be away from them.

everyone is different, d

Sail Away

replied on January 18th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

beckster06 wrote:

dalicialovesyou wrote:

okay...I had ppd with both of my pregnancies and never felt that I didn't love either of my kids, and I never felt the need to just want to be away from them.

everyone is different, d

well yeah I kinda realize that lol.

Becky

replied on January 19th, 2007

Especially eHealthy

Just stating the obvious for ya Wink

Sail Away

replied on January 19th, 2007

Extremely eHealthy

beckster06 wrote:

just stating the obvious for ya Wink

uh huh

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