Problems in marriages don't start after a couple months...............It's been developing for a long time...............Whether verbalized or not...............Often a women will "hint" or even say the words but if the other party is not receptive they will not "get it" until it's too late..................Perhaps not what you want to hear...................But quite common. Maybe too late maybe not..................Instead of waiting for something to happen.............Maybe you should fight fire with fire................Email her, phone her, leave her little love notes.............Nothing accusing just something to let her know you appreciate and love her........................It'll be difficult as your dealing with the "new and exciting"........................But if it's soo great............Why hasn't anything happened??................A. He's married or .B. He's playin her....................................... Whatever happens, for the childrens sake keep it sane

believe me when I say that i've tried paying more attention to her, and it's been genuine, not done as part of "damage control". She's just content to wait for counseling at this point, says nothing in the way she feels has changed. I'm fed up, I find myself browsing through the classifieds for furniture and a house to rent. I don't purposely (consciously) "go there", but every night I find myself browsing!

I believe "b" above is the right answer...What a small world it is when the guy is also about to do business with my company! I haven't met him yet, but he's a salesman to the bone and my co-worker (female) says he's quite the flirt.

For now i'm holding on to the hope that we'll make it out of this and move forward with our life together, and make some great new memories. But if it is too late, i'm preparing myself mentally for that as well.

Thank you so much for your reply, it helps.

After a few years of marriage, people become board and seek interest in other people. This may be what your wife is experiencing. After having two kids, your wife may be glad that a man still finds her attractive, and interesting.

Like many who have been in a relationship for a long time, your wife probaly misses the excitement of new love. Remember the butterflies? Remember what it felt like getting ready for your date night? All of those feelings go away after years of marriage. I think what your wife probaly needs is a little space. Maybe, be apart for a little bit so that she can decide if this marriage is what she wants. Take it a step further, and you set up a counseling session and ask her to come if she wants to save the marriage.

Be honest with your wife. Tell her how her actions are making you feel. I think that if you try to wine and dine her at this time to compete with the new guy, it may not work as much as you want it to because she has a "new" toy. Think about it this way: you have a special toy that you love and cherish, and you feel comfortable with. All of a sudden, you get a new toy that is shiny and interesting. Even though you love and cherish your special toy, you are curious about this new toy, and may neglect your special toy for a while just to test out the new toy.

I am not saying that what your wife is doing is right nor am I saying that every time a new toy comes her way, she should play with it because it is interesting. What I am saying is that people slip, and people get curious. Do all that you can to see if you can save your marriage. Divorce is sometimes the easy way out.

Best of luck...

After a few years of marriage, people become board and seek interest in other people. This may be what your wife is experiencing. After having two kids, your wife may be glad that a man still finds her attractive, and interesting.

Like many who have been in a relationship for a long time, your wife probaly misses the excitement of new love. Remember the butterflies? Remember what it felt like getting ready for your date night? All of those feelings go away after years of marriage. I think what your wife probaly needs is a little space. Maybe, be apart for a little bit so that she can decide if this marriage is what she wants. Take it a step further, and you set up a counseling session and ask her to come if she wants to save the marriage.

Be honest with your wife. Tell her how her actions are making you feel. I think that if you try to wine and dine her at this time to compete with the new guy, it may not work as much as you want it to because she has a "new" toy. Think about it this way: you have a special toy that you love and cherish, and you feel comfortable with. All of a sudden, you get a new toy that is shiny and interesting. Even though you love and cherish your special toy, you are curious about this new toy, and may neglect your special toy for a while just to test out the new toy.

I am not saying that what your wife is doing is right nor am I saying that every time a new toy comes her way, she should play with it because it is interesting. What I am saying is that people slip, and people get curious. Do all that you can to see if you can save your marriage. Divorce is sometimes the easy way out.

Best of luck...

After a few years of marriage, people become board and seek interest in other people. This may be what your wife is experiencing. After having two kids, your wife may be glad that a man still finds her attractive, and interesting.

Like many who have been in a relationship for a long time, your wife probaly misses the excitement of new love. Remember the butterflies? Remember what it felt like getting ready for your date night? All of those feelings go away after years of marriage. I think what your wife probaly needs is a little space. Maybe, be apart for a little bit so that she can decide if this marriage is what she wants. Take it a step further, and you set up a counseling session and ask her to come if she wants to save the marriage.

Be honest with your wife. Tell her how her actions are making you feel. I think that if you try to wine and dine her at this time to compete with the new guy, it may not work as much as you want it to because she has a "new" toy. Think about it this way: you have a special toy that you love and cherish, and you feel comfortable with. All of a sudden, you get a new toy that is shiny and interesting. Even though you love and cherish your special toy, you are curious about this new toy, and may neglect your special toy for a while just to test out the new toy.

I am not saying that what your wife is doing is right nor am I saying that every time a new toy comes her way, she should play with it because it is interesting. What I am saying is that people slip, and people get curious. Do all that you can to see if you can save your marriage. Divorce is sometimes the easy way out.

Best of luck...

Okay, here's the scoop; she's not been cheating, what I determined as an emotional affair wasn't that at all. We discussed and worked that part out the other day...She hasn't been cheating at all, and i've confirmed that myself and through our conversation.

So we're still distant with each other, but i'm trying to give her space and not rock the boat, let her sort out her feelings and see what the next step is. I've been daydreaming about a divorce, it actually sounds appealing at times, but I know that's not the case. My kids would be devastated and nothing about a divorce would be "easy". I know that for sure, being a child of divorced parents.

Today she went to see the therapist, and sent an email saying she really liked him and thought he would be a good one. I replied that I was glad she liked him and that was it. I wanted to pry and ask what they discussed, when her next appt is, etc, but I didn't. Give her space. Let her come to me.

I do feel i'm somewhat emotionall prepared for a split if she requests one. But it will have to come from her, unless this crap goes on for several months and I just can't take it. I'm a pretty patient guy, and my mom is giving me a concerned ear to bend, so I think i'm okay with support there. I do want to go with the wife to the therapist, and I hope she requests that soon. She already knows I wanted to go to the first visit, so i'll not ask again.

Anyone out there gone the "give space" route and had results (good or bad)? I'd be interested in chatting you up if so...Thanks for the ear!

Had the same experience 25 years ago. The best way to handle this is not to ask what you have to do to fix things because you didn't cause the problem, she did. Wining and dining is not the answer. You need to distance yourself from her emotionally right now. Crying and blaming yourself for something you didn't do makes you look more desperate and pathetic to her, which will make her resent you because it makes her feel more guilty. You need to take charge of your emotions, and make her think you can do just fine without her if you have to. You don't need a wife that can't keep her vows after such a short marriage. The more strong and independant you become, the more attractive she will find you. If she still has love there for you, this is usually a good way to snap her out of it. Let her know she could lose you. Not the other way around. After all, she is the one who is allegedly cheating, and you aren't. So which partner would be more attractive to someone, a loyal one or a cheater? If she doesn't stop what she is doing with this other man, tell her it's done, period. And don't bluff. You have to be prepared to face the fact that she may leave, but in the end, would you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you, and can't be trusted? Most people wouldn't. You can be miserable alone! Worked for me, and as I said, that was over 25 years ago. You have to respect yourself enough to know you will not tolerate this kind of behavior from her. If you are a good husband, you don't deserve this shameless treatment. Good luck!

raven, thank you so much for your words, your wisdom. I read this at the right time. I found several emails over the weekend between the two of them, and confronted her with it. She lied to me previously, said it was over back in dec, so I told her to end it now, get into counseling together and let's fix this. If not, I told her I was walking out. She sent him an email (still claims it to be nothing physical, just phone and email) and copied me on it, ending it. I cannot seriously believe her now, but i'll find out if she has contact with him again.

I'm prepared to end it at anytime, but I do want to try counseling, to see if I can get that trust back, the trust she ripped away. She is the bad guy here, not me! I will no longer cater to her, I will do as you say and just be me and take the good with the bad, and if she gets her caca together, then fine. If not, i'll be fine.

Thanks again, you don't know how much I needed to hear your words today! You gave me strength to keep fighting the good fight!

Glad to be of help. This isn't going to be easy. You have to be prepared for the worst, but bear in mind that you are a good person, and your life will get better. Hard as it is to believe, she is suffering too, with indecision, so you have to be the one to make the decisions-- and not for her-- for yourself. Usually when they do this, they keep on doing it because we allow them to, and the reason they don't walk out for the other person altogether right away is because they are uncertain, tempting as it may be, that what is out there will be better in the end than what they have. But the one thing you can't do is tolerate this inexcusable behavior from her. I would even go so far as to tell her to leave if it comes to that. Why should you uproot yourself because of something she is doing? Take charge of the situation, let her know you still love her, but you will not let her treat you this way, and are prepared to end it if you have to. There may be some tough moments getting things back on track, and she has to know that she must earn your trust back, and it's not going to happen overnight. It won't happen until she proves to you that she is sincere. Actions speak louder than words. Watch the things she does, they will tell you what you need to know. God bless and hope you can both get through this. If there is real love still there, you will. If not, then you haven't really lost anything.

Hi again raven, and thank you again!

We are going to the therapist today and everything is coming out...I'm not going to hold back anything!

I'll update later today or tomorrow on what happened. This is a great community here and I am thankful to have found it...More later.
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