Breakup With Bipolar Woman.....when Does It End

The drama will end when you end it. In the meantime dave, you keep going back for more of the same.

You may also want to check out www.Bpd411.Org and read up on borderline personality disorder too. Not because she has bpd, but just in case you are accustomed to this sort of behaviour due to life circumstances.

You are not doomed to recapitulate this drama over and over and over again! But you sound as though you are hooked on the adrenalin rush, not to mention all the hormones that go coursing through your body when you lust for someone.

Do not look for her to change. If you do not enjoy this situation, change the dynamic. You know what the working definition of crazy is? Doing the same thing endlessly, expecting a different result.

Good luck, I hope 2007 is kind to you both.

Ghada

Dave, been there done that. I broke up 4-5 times in 10 months and literally every 3-4 days we were arguing about something. You are in a destructive cycle like ghada stated and it won’t end until you end it or if she just gets fed up like my ex did and shuts you out completely. Although, I have heard this is more common for bipolar men to do. You have to work on you and believe it or not, now that you have been in a relationship with a mentally ill person, you yourself are suffering mentally. I am willing to bet your mind is spinning wondering how it all got out of control and why you can’t seem to fix it. You are beginning to believe maybe it’s you that is the crazy one. I am sure she has told you, you are selfish, uncaring, out of control, and that other’s cared about her more. Etc.Etc.Etc. Everything is your fault and most likely her life was just fine before you came into it. Your self esteem is probably zero and you are wondering if you can ever have a normal relationship again. Now the situation may get better if she is taking her medication, but believe me it only candy coats the moods swings. Now before I piss off all the bipolar people on this forum who have yelled at me before, this may not be true for every bipolar, but it certainly was my case and many others I have read on here and on other forums as well. Read the link ghada gave you. An excellent site. After reviewing the signs for boarderline personality disorder, I am convinced my ex has that along with being bipolar as well. Get yourself to a therapist. It was the best advice my ex gave me. His constant berating that “i may be the crazy one and be bipolar too” prompted me to seek help. I’ve been in therapy now for over 2 years and I can’t tell you how beneficial it’s been to me and my daughter. Through the process of healing I am beginning to learn why I picked men who either had drug problems or mental illness. You too choose to be with her or stay with her after learning she was mentally ill. You need to discover why you chose to be with her. Now I have read and heard from people that have some sort of normal relationships with bipolars that are on their medication, but not many. You most likely fell in love with her because she “needed you”. That is not healthy, because in a healthy relationship you shouldn’t have to need your partner. You should be independent and be able to stand on your own separate from them. This is not the case usually in a co-dependent relationship, as you have now with your girlfriend.

Part of the reason you cannot break the cycle to your girlfriend as well is because you are addicted to her and the cycle like ghada said. You are obsessed with her and the relationship. Like any addiction, it’s going to be hard to break. Look at me, it’s been a year and a half and I am still addicted to my ex. Here I am spending another hour of my day thinking about him and writing about him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. There are times I wish I could just go erase that part in my brain as if he never existed. But I am now in a healthy relationship with a man that I have been dating for 8 months. And although it doesn’t have the extremes highs and lows of dating my bipolar ex that made it exciting, I know that this is the way a relationship is supposed to work. I can’t go back to the ex. I know I will never have the gut wrenching love I had for him with the man I am with now, but that’s okay, because I know I can’t handle that sort of intensity again. It literally almost killed me. Now I have never been an addict in the past. Never did drugs or was addicted to any thing. But I am addicted to my ex. It took me a year to admit to it. So my therapist said I have to look at him as a drug, just like cocaine. Once you have it you want more and more, but you know if you continue to do it, it will eventually kill you or at the very least really screw up your life. Your ex on the other hand can’t stop the cycle and that’s the really sad thing about this illness. There just isn’t enough known about it to stop it. It can be controlled to a point and that depends on each individual. In my ex’s case, he was taking 4 medications. A mood stabilizer, a tranquilizer, a medication for delusions, and one for anxiety. The medications alone caused severe side effects including weight gain and short term memory loss. It constantly has to be monitored and because some of the drugs are addictive and some lose their effectiveness, they often have to be changed. I used to worry at night because once my ex took his tranquilizer he was out. I always wondered how he would be if an emergency arose in the middle of the night? It’s imperative for bipolar’s to follow a routine. Going to bed at the same time, waking at the same time, exercising at the same time. For my ex he had to swim every night. If he didn’t swim, he didn’t sleep. So his life was ruled by this illness and things he had to do just to control it. There was no late night talks, waking in the middle of the night to make love, last minute weekend trips out of town. Everything was done according to his schedule. In fact most of the time spent in bed was with him at one side with his back turned to me, because he didn’t like to be touched. Not fun. And this illness gets worse with age. So before you continue this cycle over and over again, my suggestion is to go and see a clinical psychologist, and preferably one that has bipolar clients. It will open up a whole new world of understanding for you and then you can be better informed as to which path is best for you to take. If you can get her to go with you…. All the better. Good luck!

You may find this article very informative too. The site is as well.

Http://www.Angriesout.Com/ grown20.Htm

Ghada, that link didn't work for me

No? Well, just go directly to the site and scroll down to the list of articles. It's there, honest!

You can google it too and read various permutations, with different examples of the dynamics, on the web as well.

In the meantime, good luck this year. I hope it proves to be a good one.

G

Okay, I found the site, which article is it?

"the drama triangle".

Sorry, I didn't realize I had left that out!

Ghada

so, dave, have we overrun your posting enough, or what?

G

Are you a therapist by chance? The site above was very helpful and really was enlightening. I have copied parts below...

This fits my ex to a “t”….
“our primary positions are generally set-up in childhood. For instance, if a parent is overly protective, doing everything for a child, then that child may grow up to feel incapable of taking care of themselves. This sets them up for a life-time role of victim. Or, the opposite; they might come to feel angry and vindictive if others don't take care of them, thereby adopting a primary persecutor stance.”

my ex is definitely the persecutor. His parents do everything for him and always have. Many times he told me I never took care of him or didn’t care about him as much as his parents did.

This describes me 100%: I can’t count how many times as a child, I thought something was horribly wrong in my family. Everyone in my family calls me the resilient child.

A fifth role--the wise, resilient child—“i’m not like them!”
another dynamic not described by karpman is the child in the family who is often wiser than the parents who knows from an early age that things are not right in the family. This child understands that there must be a better way to live than to keep wounding each other with offensive behavior. He or she starts to look outside the home for positive role models—a teacher, neighbor, healthy relative, friend’s parent or coach. If the child has talent, he/she is reinforced with attention and encouragement for his hard work. He/she becomes resilient in dealing with the dysfunction of the family and seeks healthier people to hang out with. He/she works hard and his/her identity becomes associated with hard work and talent. High achievement becomes the new defense to bolster up self esteem, but it makes the person one sided. Achievement becomes the self esteem rather than balancing all the skills necessary to form connection and create a happy family life.

The resilient child becomes successful in life due his/her incorporation of positive work skills. Working hard and even workholism becomes a defense strategy to feel good and getting the praise that comes with being seen as an excellent worker. All may go well for many years until working hard to keep self esteem high is not enough. The person starts to feel empty and have the sense that something is missing in their life as he/she has literally withdrawn from contact in the family he has created. He/she starts to feel the imbalance that spending long hours on the job or on hobbies has created. Having only limited defenses—working hard and perhaps drinking or drugging, the person turns more to what has worked in the past—working harder. But achievement no longer is enough to fill the void inside.

At this time, there may be a crisis--perhaps a mid life crisis. The defense of achievement does not work any more. At this juncture in life, there is a choice. The resilient child grown up can either crash into depression or acting out in addictions or start to examine the early pain of being brought up in a drama triangle family where unhealthy behaviors were the daily norm. This can be a shake up time where the person decides to go into recovery and address the pain of the past. It may take the form of searching for a spiritual identity and true meaning in life. Some people believe this shake-up time is the soul’s calling.

The call from the soul
the soul reaches out to get the person to examine the unresolved pain of the past to provoke personal and spiritual growth. There are certain developmental milestones across life where the personal pain is so great that the person is willing to be open and stop some of the defenses he/she has built up. The pain of the past has to be addressed. Severe pain of the present life can be an impetus to get the person to wake up and learn, stretch and grow spiritually. The call from the soul comes forth to spur the person into becoming the best person they can be.

Adnor,

no, I am not a counselor. If I were to become one I would much rather counsel the children of the mentally ill rather than their mentally ill parent(s). The children are the ones who are truly handed the short end of the stick by the profession. The whole dynamic of treating the patient as though they exist in a vacuum borders on criminal neglect, in my opinion. You would be appalled at the number of pdocs and therapist who do not even if their client is married, or a parent. Honest.

Speaking of grist for my mill, nami does not have one meeting, anywhere in this country, devoted strictly to the children of the mentally ill. Instead, they suggest alateen. While it is a fine group, it isn't the same.

Ghada

Amazing isn't it? I suffered for all these years not knowing a lot of my problems were due to being raised by a mentally ill untreated mother.

I agree with everything you said and thank you so much for sharing the links to the sites that you did.

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good luck and all the best.

Dave,

Although all the above suggestions may well be fascinating, as an alternative you may wish to join the witness protection program, change your name and move far away.

You're not married to this woman yet so you may wish to give some thought as to whether you wish to volunteer to devote your entire life to being the nursemaid and punching bag of someone who is severely mentally disturbed and may never get any better. It is possible that her illness may be controlled with medication and therapy, but there's no guarantee even of that.

Is that the kind of life you want for yourself? It's your decision and your life that's on the line, so choose wisely.

I was raised by a mentally ill mother. I rarely even saw her growing up, as she would hide in her bedroom. I watched her go in and out of mental institutions. I watched her and my father go through the same cycles over and over again. Now as an adult, I find myself having much of the same symptoms my mother had and I find myself treating my boyfriend in much of the same manner as she treated my father. Its almost like thats all I know. I dont know how to have a normal relashionship, if there is such a thing. Ive been like this within all my relashionships and none of them have lasted over 3 yrs. I am afraid to admit im like my mother and ask for help. My current boyfriend and I live together. We fight every single day and break up every other day. I know it is due to my mood swings and just plain being evil to him. I love him and dont want to lose him. But im afraid I will never change and im just going to end up hurting him. My advice to you, is to get far away from this woman. If she is not openly willing to seek help, she will only get worse. And if shes anything like me, she needs that drama. Run fast.