Enough of Being Like This!

Aww I hope ur house gets fixed soon, I wish I could go over to friends house but it would be weird since I wont eat and they be like whats wrong, I could eat but practically nothing because I would want to run to the bathroom, but I cant bring myself to do that at another persons house

hmmm I think im comfortable about my eating when im at home when my mom isnt around, my dad doesnt care, and my lil brother doesnt mind, so im free to do whatever whenever my mom isnt home because she goes insane but doesnt say ne thing, but she'll make comments on what im eating and yesterday my dad flat out told me he doesnt care one bit that im throwing up

I'm so sad, so desperate
i found out where the scale was and weighted myself...120 pounds! I'm huge, i'm so heavy

Ur not huge, thats pretty much the right size for any girl, eat some cheerios like I am right now making me pretty happy

Lol..
I just hope that when my work and classes start next month I will lose some pounds due to the new rhythm of my days... :s now i'm pretty much at home ("holocaust home", "tsunami home"!) doing less than nothing.. :\

Holocaust home?!?! Well I hope I lose some weight also I ate sooo many cheerios last night I havent had them in forever it was insane before I ate my actual dinner I had like 2 bowls and then 15 pizza rolls, lol and then later that night had 3 more bowls, but cheerios are low in calories so thats good and they are supposed to be good for u I think

Well.. My list for today:
breakfast: 1 yogurt and one whole cereal bread with cheese and quince paste
lunch: 1 yogurt, 1 croissant with cheese and ham, 8 chips ayoy cookies, more cookies, 1 hot coco
i'm ashamed

Hmmm mine was:

breakfast:1 diet coke, dozen doughnut holes
lunch:1 diet coke, 5 cookies
dinner:4 tacos, and lots of tortilla chips

but yah tomorrows the big day where I go to therapy for the second time and for about two hours, im excited and scared about it

by the way I was wondering if anyone else keeps a food diary?

But then yesterday I didn't have tea and only had dinner at night. Today it was the same thing: breakfast, lunch, dinner.



i used to keep one, did it for a year.. It was part of my therapy to stop doing it. Ever since I stopped, I never did that again. I just memorize the things...
Tell us about your therapy session *hug* :9

Okay so yah at my 2 hour session, I had to do a whole bunch of activites, I had to put things together, do some math problems, draw some thing, say what I saw in the blobs..And repeat what she said, read some sentences, finished some sentences, and filled in sentence with the missing words we didnt talk at all just did a bunch of activites which it drove me insane!

*hug* don't be mad, really... :*

I wasnt really mad for doing all the activites but it was just boring but I dont know I kind of feel relieved that I didnt have to talk to her because the first time we actually talked she didnt understand anything about me and always ask me why and what and just made me really uncomfortable, it made me think that I was stupid for what I was saying and im not looking forward to our next session, im thinking of pulling out..

Maybe you should try a little longer, a little more... That's what I think...
And have you thrown up latelly? You managed all those days, four days, wasn't it? you can do better *hug*
ly

I think im just rather scared of therapy, I dont like that she keeps calling my mom

Realise that your therapy is not only yours. In order for it to work, your family and closer people must be involved as well. Maybe that's why mine has failed.
Do you want to make another of those "tryouts", a number of days without messing and throwing up?

Well yesterday I had another day of therapy yesterday, it was horrible and I dont really want to go back, she really hurt me with the words she said, I had a complete break down last night

Hi, again, cathy. *hug*
why are you down? What did she tell you? Don't give up. It costs, but you'll get better and better and get rid of all the bad things, like your ed. Really.
Please..

She told me I eat alot, and she just didnt say it once she said it like ten times! Just hearing it so many times was like a freaking nightmare! It kept ringing and ringing inside my head and I couldnt turn it off, but before I went insane and cried my eyes out at the therapist place, my phone went off and brought me back, and so my therapist left to go talk to my mom cause she thought it was a phone call but it wasnt but I just sat there still in shock and trying to recover from her telling me that, and so I tried to call my best friend fast just so I could ask her if she could say I dont eat alot, but she didnt answer but after I got home and called her she answered and I just completely broke down and cried my eyes out, and she actually said the words I wanted to hear without me having to ask her

but yah when she came back in from talking to my mother she was like your mom said she isnt home to see how much you eat, so she pretty much went out there and told her everything I ate without my permission, and also she told me her policy of confidentional information, she pretty much said I have no right to some of the things I say to her, she was like in my head u are in the danger zone and its my right to tell ur mother, and I was like I dont want her to know, she was like well its either me or you to tell her, so that depressed me more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay people if ur thinking about getting a therapist, I suggest you ask about they're policy and to tell them certain things u dont want to hear, b/c it f-ing sucks to hear it!!!! Or just dont get one at all and save urself the trouble of having to deal with it!

Oh yah also I have to take vitamins now and get a nutrionist(spelling?) which is gonna suck because im not gonna listen to someone who is gonna say what I can eat and not eat, but omg I told my therapist my usual lunch at school a diet coke and 4 cookies, and she said make that only 2 cookies and ur good, I was like omg are u kidding me? 4 cookies, what the hell they arent like frizbee sized cookies like tiny ones and she says thats bad for me!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate therapy!! Ah that felt good lol

I guess so but right now im at my older brothers apartment away from all the mess at home, im much more comfortable here, and I dont throw up and I can eat whatever I like and my brother doesnt say anything harsh to me