Newbie here, I joined because I need help with my life....Where do I start?


Since the tender age of 7-8 I was erm..Sexually abused. It stopped after a couple years, and started again when I was 15, it only happend once after that. When I was younger I didn't quite understand what was happening....I guess I supressed the memories for awhile, because when I was 12 they started coming back to me, at first blurry short clips, then gradually I got the whole memory...So when I was 15 I knew what was happening, and told my mother. Not much was being done...Not because she didn't love me(she loves me very much.), but because she loved my abuser too and didn't want the family to break up.
I told the school counseler, and she got child services involved. Eventually the police came to my house and my family warned me i'd be thrown in a foster home if I said anything...So the nice police man left after talking to me about anime and shrugging off the claimes. My abuser is still involved in my life, I see him quite often. He no longer touches me except for an innocent hug...But any contact with him is emotionally draining. He's close family, which only disgusts me further....I live day by day hating my body and wishing something would be done in my favor, but it's my own damn fault for letting him walk free.

So soon after, my mother got me professional help. It didn't last however, because a therapist is very expensive and we're a bit...Broke sometimes. My dad quits jobs at the drop of a hat, so therapy is out of the question now. The state fought my mom on her trying to get them to pay for it.

I hold a grudge against my dad too, he's not very kind(a bit of a bully i'm afraid)....Let's not get into that. I'll just say I stand up for my mom a lot when he shoves her around.


So about two years later I was trying to have a new life, I found someone long distance, which didn't work out so well. Breakups happen, no big deal. After that I met a nice girl that lived pretty close to me, and she said she'd never let anyone hurt me again.

I didn't know that meant "excluding me, of course"....She attempted suicide twice. Once while I wasn't aware. I just got a phonecall from the hospital. I was a bit shaken up from it...But I eventually got over it. A few months later she attempted again...This time I was involved. She popped online one morning and said she was tired of hurting everyone and wanting everything to stop...Then she signed off. I instantly looked for her phone number and by a lucky streak came across her mom's cell number instead. I called her mom and told her what she had said, and her mom gave me the home phone number again to call her. Well I called my ex to make sure she was ok, and she sounded really weak, saying she wanted to "sleep now"...I let her go. Her mom came home and took her to the hospital.

I started drinking after that, because I wanted it out of my head. I still drink.

We took a "break" for awhile, so she could get her act together...Found out couple months later that she wanted to date some boy, so I drank more.

That's the current situation.

I have all these issues and bad memories, and I don't know what to do about it. What can I do? Take some drug? That won't make the pain and shame go away. I don't know what to do anymore except self-mutilate(i don't cut, i'm afraid of sharp objects...I literally scrub my skin off until i'm bloody in a scorching hot bathtub) and drink. And I know that's not healthy...

I just want to be healthy and feel somewhat normal but I feel that i'm so far gone and so damaged that nothing can be done anymore. I'm "damaged goods" and I keep beating myself over it. I leave my house maybe once a month because i'm afraid of most social contact. I just glue myself to this computer because it's the safest place in the world to me, and I haven't even thought about my future. Do I even have one? I ask myself that same question every day. I honestly don't have an answer...


Sorry i'm whining, I just need help, and i'm so emotionally exhausted that I feel like i'm shutting down...So I need to vent too to ease my tension.

Any suggestions? And....I don't know anyone here, so I don't care what people think about me anymore. I used to get upset because long story short, my ex close friend told a bunch of strangers about me, and i'd get random people saying i'm an "incest *bleep*" and all this other garbage. It doesn't pain me anymore...Judge me if you wish...