How Can I Help My Friend? Posted: 01-05-07 00:53am
I was going to write this in the
addiction/recovery forum, but I realized
that my friend's problem stems from
depression. So here's the story: my
friend of 19 years had started drinking at
the same time as me; she was 16 and I was
17. We drank a lot together over the
years and had occasionally gone to the
bars after we turned 21. The problem is
that now, my friend uses drinking as an
answer to all of her problems. Her
father is verbally (and was physically
abusive just recently) abusive and is a
complete tyrant to her. I had moved out
of the city this past summer to live with
my (now ex) boyfriend but every time I
came into town we would drink and have
fun. Ever since i've moved back into
town, last july, my friend seems to be on
quite a rapid downfall. She had been
unemployed for most of last year. She'd
gotten fired from a fast food restaurant
job in february and didn't find another
job until august. In august she had
gotten sick; turns out she had a
miscarriage. Then she came down with
mono, or a mono variation; this was in
mid-september, I believe.
So then in late september she was
driving home from work one day, got out of
her car, fainted because she was so sick
and had a concussion. Her dad found her
like that and also found a bottle of
alcohol in her backpack which led him to
believe she was an alcoholic. Her dad is
incredibly strict about drinking so he
pretty much went nuts when he found
alcohol bottles in her room recently. My
friend was let go from her job just last
month because she kept calling in sick.
She is still sick til this day and will
not get better because she drinks to try
to solve her depression and sickness. I
did not believe it before, but I think
she's an alcoholic. Any time I try to
voice my concern, she becomes very
offended and tells me that I do not
understand the situation. She is
desperate to get away from her psycho
father but she can't because she can't
find a job because she's sick all the
time. What can I do? Does she need to
start going to aa? How can I tell her
that without totally knowing the full
scope of the situation. I've hardly
talked to her in the past two month
because I just don't feel like dealing
with her. I know that sounds bad and I
do want to help but I really don't know
what to do.
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 01-05-07 04:10am
Hello.
That's a very hard situation.. I'm not
sure of i'd deal with it myself. Have you
tried to meet her and do things that don't
involve drinking? Maybe working out or
going to the park and then, chilled out,
to talk about that in some easy way...
:s
i don't know if this helps, but I tried
to help
good luck
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RedDelight
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 131 Location: I'm a Yettie!
Re: How Can I Help My Friend? Posted: 01-05-07 23:41pm
Hello
whew. And I thought I was the only one
with probelms! Alright... Clearly she
is an alcholic..Do you have a place of
your own?
You could do this the hard way---she will
thank you in the end-- and keep her there.
Don't let her leave/drink. It all
really depends...On the entire situation.
I would go to a local aa meeting.. And
ask what to do. You don't want to anger
her... Into drinking and driving.
However- you do want to help.. And insure
that she will take it willingly. I am
surprised he father didnt' put her in
rehab.
Watch the movie 28 days [with sandra
bullock,] with her. It's scary how
desperate she gets.. And what she does to
herself to get a drink. But it also
shows her what happens in rehab. It's
going to suck.. Throwing up, dizziness,
mood swings... But she's got to stop
before she really hurts herself... Not to
mention how it is affecting you!
Ask her- if she has any goals/ambitions?
If she could do anything- what would it
be? And...When she plans to achieve
them? Yes, she has had a string of bad
luck... But please assure her... Those
probelms occured seperately.. And are not
all related.
It's sad her dad is angry instead of hurt.
I hope he realizes how much she needs
him now. If you don't think he will
help.. And you can.. Go for it.
Pm me anytime- good luck- you are a great
friend, and hopefully, once her illness
goes away, she will realize that
-=red=-
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Honekaur
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 May 2006 Posts: 56
Thanks For Your Input Posted: 01-06-07 03:29am
I did go to her house today and we hung
out without drinking. Actually, she
can't drink now because her mom took away
all the alcohol and her dad actually took
her car keys and driver's license away
until monday. Which helps the situation
now but as soon as she gets her keys and
id back i'm sure she will be drinking
again. I'm still not sure how to
approach her about the situation. I'm
sure she will continue to drink heavily as
soon as she has liquor in her hands again.
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Re: How Can I Help My Friend? Posted: 01-06-07 13:12pm
Well, you're trying, right? Maybe it
won't be that grea the first time you try
to hang out with her, but don't give up...
Baby steps...
missdepressed
wrote:
watch the movie 28 days
[with sandra bullock,] with her. It's
scary how desperate she gets.. And what
she does to herself to get a drink. But
it also shows her what happens in rehab.
It's going to suck.. Throwing up,
dizziness, mood swings... But she's got
to stop before she really hurts herself...
Not to mention how it is affecting
you!
there's also another great movie: "when a
man loves a woman" - I guess that's the
correct name. It starrs meg ryan and andy
garcia.
Good luck
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littlesqueaks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 296 Location: Caldwell, Idaho
Posted: 01-06-07 15:12pm
I don't know if her mom and dad are going
about it the right way. She is an adult
correct? Her parents treating her as if
she is child could make her rebel and
could make matters worse when she gets her
freedom back. Her parents need to be
supportive and helpful as well. If you
feel comfortable in speaking to her
parents maybe all of you can get her the
help that she needs. The one thing about
being an adult is haveing the capability
of doing whatever you want when you want
because you no longer have to worry about
being grounded or spanked. The other
thing is is that you don't have to change
unless you want to to change yourself and
most alcoholics don't realize they have a
problem until it is to late. Though
difficult if you have the time to be her
loyal friend 100%, meaning spending an
abundent amount of time with her you could
help direct her in the right direction
just by being there for her, talking to
her, being open with her, have her be open
with you and keep her away from the things
that could eventually hurt her or someone
else.
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v00d00cita
Advanced Support Team
Joined: 04 Mar 2006 Posts: 724
Thanks: 0
Thanked:4
Posted: 01-07-07 09:35am
heathercarl
wrote:
her parents treating her as
if she is child could make her rebel and
could make matters worse when she gets her
freedom back. Her parents need to be
supportive and helpful as well. If you
feel comfortable in speaking to her
parents maybe all of you can get her the
help that she needs. The one thing about
being an adult is haveing the capability
of doing whatever you want when you want
because you no longer have to worry about
being grounded or spanked. The other
thing is is that you don't have to change
unless you want to to change yourself and
most alcoholics don't realize they have a
problem until it is to late. Though
difficult if you have the time to be her
loyal friend 100%, meaning spending an
abundent amount of time with her you could
help direct her in the right direction
just by being there for her, talking to
her, being open with her, have her be open
with you and keep her away from the things
that could eventually hurt her or someone
else.
i totally agree with heather... When
their parents do such things, they are
making things worse, as you have
realised... :\
but you can be supportive in a lot of
ways!
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san54
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2003 Posts: 227 Location: Virginia
Depression Posted: 01-07-07 10:02am
Your friend needs to go to an in-patient
facility. They will be able to treat her
depression and yes her addiction. I think
she needs an intervention. You could have
her family help, if they will.
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littlesqueaks
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 296 Location: Caldwell, Idaho
Posted: 01-07-07 23:34pm
Intervention that is the word I was
looking for. You and her parents if you
can make it happen need to sit with her
and tell her how much you all care for her
and that you don't want to see her hurting
herself. Then help her through out the
days to let her know how important she is
and that you are there to help her.
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Honekaur
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 May 2006 Posts: 56
I Agree Posted: 01-08-07 01:09am
Her parents haven't helped her in life in
general, pretty much. She was
homeschooled all through middle school and
high school. We live in a neighborhood
that is lower middle class; the reason she
was homeschooled was that her dad was
afraid of her and her brother being
bullied by their schoolmates because it
happened to my friend's brother once when
they were both in elementary school.
Since then neither parent really
encouraged the kids to do anything with
their lives, they did baby the kids (yes,
sometimes did homework for them!) and were
extremely strict about letting them do
anything by themselves (for example, when
my sister and I were thirteen and eleven
we would ride the city bus to the mall but
her parents wouldn't let my friend because
they were afraid we would be kidnapped).
My friend lived a very sheltered life.
She had no ambition to do good in school;
she didn't get her first job until she was
almost nineteen and was fired from it
after several months. Then she never
really had a job after that that was
really worth putting on a resume and now
she is unemployed yet again. Her brother
on the other hand went to college got a
degree and now has a decent paying job.
He did finally move out at 25, against his
parents' wishes i'm sure but he is making
something of himself. It's strange to
see how two siblings growing up in the
same sheltered situation could grow up so
different. My friend turns 22 in a few
weeks and has no desire to get a full-time
job let alone get a higher education. In
fact, I don't think she ever held down a
full time job. Yet she complains about
her dad all the time. He is terrible to
her, but you think that would motivate her
to really start looking for a full time
job, no matter the pay, save up and get
out of there. I agree that an
intervention needs to be held. Her
parents are giving her driver's license
and keys back to her tomorrow.
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johnR
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2006 Posts: 229
Posted: 01-11-07 14:52pm
I used to complain about my parents but
finally realized I would be much better
changing myself than trying to change
them. I highly recommend her trying to
find a cbt support group in her area or
have her go to the library and read the
book by sam obitz which is based on cbt
and talks about the ways to overcome a
dysfunctional family. It sounds like she
needs tio feel better about herself and
get out of that house and then the need
tro drink will dimish in her. It sure
seems like her parents are getting some
secondery gain out of her being so
dependant on them and may not truly want
to help her so you as her friend are her
best bet at helpiong her help herself.
