|i'm in my senior year of college and getting ready to graduate in may.
Since my sophomore year, i've been feeling gradually worse and worse every month, and I don't know why. It seems I can't decide who I am. I'm incredibly lonely but then as soon as a girl starts to get close to me, something happens and I panic and end up pushing her away. I like the idea of being a driven career man but then I also know in my heart of hearts that much later on, when i'm 60, I will regret not stopping to "enjoy" life.
Some days are very good and I accomplish a lot. For each good day, however, there is an incredibly bad day in which I sometimes end up shutting down and just staring at the wall for three hours in silence (this happened yesterday).
I wear a mask of sorts in public, and especially in front of my parents. I have a fantastic life and I cannot imagine having a better upbringing, and therefore I have always thought that they do not deserve to have my problems on their minds. So, outwardly, I maintain a jovial facade so that people will stay off my back. I suppose i've done this all my life.
My chosen career path is one that requires...Stability. When I begin my job in a few months, there will be many background checks, etc. Including my medical history, and because of that I have never gone to see a campus counselor because I do not want my records blemished.
I know it seems like I have systematically shut down all possible avenues of help to myself, but as I said, I guess i've lived my whole life this way (kind of a misfit as a kid) and now i'm sleeping in the bed I made.
I can't do pills. Are there any mental techniques or daily practices that I could do to help boost my self-esteem/confidence/happiness? I have no right to be unhappy, given my life situation, and I hate myself for being so selfish. If I were outward looking in, my advice to myself would be a slap in the face and simple "shut up and get out there."
clearly, however, that is not working for me any more.