Bad Day At Hallmark

Cards:

my tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
when I looked at the tire ...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
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heard your wife left you,
how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me.
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looking back over the years
that we've been together,
i can't help but wonder ...
"what the hell was I thinking?"
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congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
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i've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.
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i must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in hell until I met you.
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as the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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happy birthday, uncle dad!
(available only in tennessee, kentucky & west virginia)
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happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost lifelike!
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when we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
i think it's time you kept your promise.
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we have been friends for a very long time ...
Let's say we stop?
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i'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
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congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
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your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
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so your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay